That's
a sinister canard, Foxman said. "It means they think Jews meet at Canter's Deli
on Friday mornings to decide what's best for the Jews." Foxman's argument made
me rethink: I have to eat at Canter's more often.EMPIRIA Magazin - Kuliffay Hanna szelekciója
POLITIKAI HUMOR, SZATÍRA, IRÓNIA
(angol nyelvű válogatás)
POLITICAL HUMOR, SATIRE, MOCKERY
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
(George Carlin)
THE ROVING EYE - The Dead
Drone sketch
(Hats
off, of course, to Monty Python)
A group of journalists attend a
United States Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) press conference in a
nondescript room in Langley, Virginia.
Journalist 1 [approaching the
podium]: Excuse me, I wish to register a complaint.
[CIA spokesman/spook
does not respond.]
Journalist 1: 'Ello, Miss?
CIA spook: What do
you mean "miss"? I'm no Victoria Nuland, buddy.
Journalist 1: I'm sorry,
I thought this was the State Department. I wish to make a complaint.
CIA
spook: We're closin' for now, gotta move forward with our shadow war in Iran.
Journalist 1: Precisely. I wish to complain about this spy drone of
yours that disappeared this week in eastern Iran.
CIA spook: Oh yes,
the, uh, the RQ-170 ... And your information is incorrect, that was in eastern
Afghanistan. What's, uh ... What's wrong with it?
Journalist 1: I'll
tell ya what's wrong with it, buddy. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
CIA spook: No, no, it's uh ... it's resting.
Journalist 1: In the
freaking Iranian desert? Look, buddy, we all know a dead drone when we see one,
and I'm looking at one - in Iran - right now.
CIA spook: No, no, it's
not dead, it's ... it's restin'! Remarkable drone, the RQ-170, ain't it?
Beautiful radar-evading piece of technology, right? Can't tell you more about it
because it's classified.
Journalist 1: "Classified" doesn't cut it. It's
stone dead.
CIA spook: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Journalist 1: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! [Shouting at a
joystick] 'Ello, Mister Dodo Drone! I've got a lovely fresh IRGC [Iranian
Revolutionary Guards Corps] target for you if you just show ...
[CIA
spook hits the joystick]
CIA spook: There, it beeped!
Journalist
1: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the remote control!
CIA spook: I
never!!
Journalist 1: Yes, you did!
CIA spook: I never, never
did anything ...
Journalist 1: [Yelling and hitting the joystick
repeatedly] 'Ello!!!!! Dronie Boy! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is
the god damned CIA calling!
[Thumps joystick on the CIA spook's lectern.
Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.]
Journalist
1: Now that's what I call a dead drone.
CIA spook: No, no ... No, it's
stunned!
Journalist 1: STUNNED?!?
CIA spook: Yeah! You stunned
it, just as it was wakin' up! RQ-170s stun easily.
Journalist 1: Um ...
now look, buddy, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That drone is definitely
deceased, and when you guys issued a press statement a while ago, you assured us
all that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired because of its
prolonged secret mission.
CIA spook: There is no indication, I repeat,
no indication, that Iran shot it down.
Journalist 1: But you're missing
a drone. It was on a secret mission. It crash-landed in Iran. And Iran says they
shot the bloody thing down.
CIA spook: Well, it's ... it's, ah ... it
probably thought it was in the Nevada desert.
Journalist 1: NEVADA
DESERT?!?!?!? What kind of crap is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back
in Iran, of all places? By now the Revolutionary Guards must be throwing a party
to the Russians, the Chinese, the Pakistanis, the North Koreans for God's sake,
so everyone can rip your technology apart, for a price ...
CIA spook:
The RQ-170 prefers keepin' on its back! Hey, remarkable drone! Lovely tech
features, radar evasion, portable ...
Journalist 1: Look, the IRNA news
agency took the liberty of examining that drone after it crash-landed, they
discovered that, yes, it was nailed to the soil of eastern Iran. [Pause]
CIA spook: Well, o'course we nailed it over there! If we hadn't nailed that
drone down, it would have flown away and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Journalist
1: "VOOM"?!? Buddy, this drone wouldn't "voom" if you sent the Navy SEALS Team
Six to give it an electric shock. It's bleedin' demised!
CIA spook: No
no! It's a trick! It's a top-secret counter-insurgency trick to fool the enemy!
Journalist 1: It's not a bloody trick! It's passed on! This drone is no
more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its industrial-military
complex maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace in a Shi'ite
paradise! Its metabolic processes are now history! It's off the twig! It's
kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and
joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DRONE!! [Pause]
CIA
spook: Well, we'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the
lectern). Sorry sir, I talked to our boss, General David Petraeus and uh, we're
right out of secret drones.
Journalist 1: I see. I see, I get the
picture.
CIA spook: We got loads of bunker-buster bombs though. [Pause]
Journalist
1: Do they spy?
CIA spook: Nnnnot really.
Journalist 1: WELL
THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, AIN'T THAT RIGHT?!!???!!?
CIA spook:
N-no, I guess not. [Acts stiff, looks at his feet]
Journalist 1: Well.
[Pause]
CIA spook: [Quietly] D'you ... d'you want to go visit the
Pentagon and take a peek at their ... contingency plans?
Journalist 1:
[Looks around] Yeah, all right, sure.
(Pepe Escobar. December 2011)
My Bad: A
Political Medley
After a week of sometimes indignant public denials and
insistence that he was the victim of an Internet hacker, a weeping and
stammering ... [Representative Anthony D. Weiner] acknowledged at a news
conference that he had sent the photo of himself in his underwear to ... a
college student in Seattle.
— The Times, June 7
TODAY, I want to briefly address a private matter. (1)
I’d like to take this time to clear up some of the questions that have been
raised over the past 10 days or so, and take full responsibility for my actions.
(2)
There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by
how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and
things happened in my life that were not appropriate. (3) I was blind to
how arrogant and self-centered I had become; I did not recognize that I thought
mostly of myself. The worst part about this is I even tried not to become caught
up in my own self-importance. Unfortunately, the urge to believe in it was
stronger than the power to fight it. (4) I know that my public comments
and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. (5)
I made a serious mistake. (6) I haven’t told the truth,
and I’ve done things I deeply regret. (7) I’ve been unfaithful to my
wife. (8) That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it. (9) This is
no time for evasions, denials or alibis. I fully accept responsibility and I am
truly sorry for my actions. (10)
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by
a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also
very concerned about protecting my family. (11) To all those I have
disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.
(12) I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff
and my constituents. (13)
As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open
for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the
mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself. (14)
Over the course of my public life, I have insisted — I believe correctly — that
people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their
conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself. (15)
I’ve let down a lot of people. That’s the bottom line. And I
let them down and in every instance I would ask their forgiveness. Forgiveness
is not an immediate process, it is in fact a process that takes time and I’ll be
in that process for quite some weeks and months and I suspect years ahead.
(16) I do not believe that God tortures any person simply for its own sake.
(17) I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down
in their hearts hope there’s a forgiving God. Somebody once said that when we’re
young, we seek justice, but as we get older, we seek mercy. There’s something to
that, I think. (18)
As we go through the process of working through this there are
going to be some hard decisions to be made, to be dealt with. (19) I owe
a humble thank you to the many people who helped to get me here, and who helped
me serve effectively. (20) I am very proud of the things we have
accomplished during my administration. (21)
But I guess where I’m trying to go with this is there are
moral absolutes and that God’s law indeed is there to protect you from yourself,
and there are consequences if you breach that. This press conference is a
consequence. (22) I ask that the media respect my wife and children
through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and
criticism, my family does not. (23)
Thank you for watching. And good night. (24)
(1) Eliot Spitzer, March 10, 2008.
(2) Anthony D. Weiner, June 6, 2011.
(3) Newt Gingrich, March 8, 2011.
(5) Bill Clinton, Aug. 17, 1998.
(8) Mark Sanford, June 24, 2009.
(9) Larry Craig, Aug. 28, 2007.
(10) Jesse Jackson, Jan. 18, 2001.
(12) John Edwards, Jan. 21, 2010.
(13) Christopher Lee, Feb. 9, 2011.
(15) Mr. Spitzer, March 12, 2008.
(17) James E. McGreevey, Aug. 12,
2004.
(23) Arnold Schwarzenegger, May 17,
2011.
(By THOMAS VINCIGUERRA. Published: June 8, 2011)
Paul Wolfowitz
From Dickipedia - A
Wiki of Dicks
Paul Dundes Wolfowitz
(b. December 22, 1943) is a visiting scholar at the American Enterprise
Institute, former academic, diplomat, military strategist, policymaker, and a
dick. Wolfowitz served in the Defense and State Departments under Carter,
Reagan, George H. W. Bush, and George W. Bush. In 2007, he resigned from the
World Bank after an investigation over a promotion he secured for his
girlfriend, and the fact that the affair forced people to conclude that someone
was, indeed, willingly having sexual intercourse with Wolfowitz.
Wolfowitz was born to a Polish-Jewish immigrant family in New York. In 1957,
Wolfowitz, then fourteen years old, spent a year living in Israel, as if Israel
didn't have enough problems. Even as a child, Wolfowitz was a strong supporter
of Israel, and, like many neocons, would channel that passion into a lifelong
devotion to screwing up the Middle East.
As something of a dick prodigy, Wolfowitz began attending Cornell while still a
high school student. Later, while still an undergraduate, he met Claire Selgin.
They married in 1968, after which he convinced her to have sexual intercourse
with him at least three times, producing the couple's three children.
The two separated in 1999. It is unknown why it took Claire Wolfowitz until 1999
to divorce, though one possible explanation is that, as a prominent
anthropologist, she traveled frequently and was thus better able to tolerate
being in a marriage with a dick like Wolfowitz.
In addition to English, Wolfowitz is able to be a dick in five other languages,
Arabic, French, German, Hebrew, and Indonesian.
After graduating from Cornell, Wolfowitz attended the University of Chicago,
because he wished to study with Leo Strauss, the intellectual godfather to an
entire generation of neocon dicks.
In 1970, Wolfowitz went to Yale, where he earned a Ph.D. in political science.
His doctoral dissertation was on "water desalinization in the Middle East."
Though his dissertation did not solve the water supply crisis there, the issue,
largely due to Wolfowitz's later efforts, is no longer considered among the
region's top problems.
One of Wolfowitz's students at Yale was I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the dick who
later became an aide to Vice President Dick Cheney and was convicted in the
Valerie Plame affair.
After working in the Carter and Reagan administrations, Wolfowitz became George
H.W. Bush's U.S. Undersecretary of Defense for Policy and was responsible for
realigning U.S. military strategy in the post-cold war environment, which has
been a stunning success. This is known as a joke.
Following the Persian Gulf War in 1991, Wolfowitz co-wrote the Defense Planning
Guidance to "set the nation’s direction for the next century." The Bush
administration had decided not to move into Baghdad and overthrow Saddam
Hussein, favoring instead a policy of containment. Wolfowitz’s plan called for
"preemption" and "unilateralism." It is unfortunate that we will just never know
how that would have turned out.
After the election of President Bill Clinton in 1992, Wolfowitz left government
service and became a private sector dick, until the Republicans regained power
in 2000 and reassembled the network of fringe neocon dicks, much like the old
gang from Ocean's 11, except with more death, chaos, car bombs, and
suffering.
In 1997, Wolfowitz was associated with the Project for a New American Century, a
Washington, D.C.-based think tank founded by second generation dicks William
Kristol and Robert Kagan. PNAC's goal was to channel the feelings of sexual
inadequacy felt by neocons into a foreign policy program. In regards to that
goal it is generally thought to have been a great success.
From 2001 to 2005, Wolfowitz served at President George W. Bush's Deputy
Secretary of Defense. In May 2001, Wolfowitz ordered the recall of 600,000
military berets made in China, stating "U.S. troops shall not wear berets made
in China." Up until then, few knew about Wolfowitz's muscular fashion policy.
There has been some speculation that Wolfowitz was also behind the sudden switch
to skinny jeans in 2006.
Of the attacks of 9-11, Wolfowitz said: "9/11 really was a wake up call and that
if we take proper advantage of this opportunity to prevent the future terrorist
use of weapons of mass destruction that it will have been an extremely valuable
wake up call." Though many criticisms have been made against Wolfowitz over the
course of his career, failing to "take proper advantage" of the deaths of other
people's children has never been among them. It is only too bad that the 2,974
victims of 9/11 couldn't have gone through their "extremely valuable deaths" earlier.
Having f***ed up the military and political aspects of the Middle East, only the
financial sector was to enjoy Wolfowitz's vision and acumen. Accordingly, in
2005 Bush put forth Wolfowitz to be the President of the World Bank. The
nomination split opinion. On one side was every sane person in the world, on the
other, the Wall Street Journal editorial page.
While at the bank, Wolfowitz's relationship with a bank staffer, Shaha Ali Riza,
became public. This was a problem for two reasons. The first: bank rules
prohibit sexual relationships between a staff member and a manager, even if the
former reports to the latter only indirectly. The second reason: someone is
having sexual intercourse with Paul Wolfowitz. Presumably, she would regularly
and willingly see Wolfowitz naked. Most likely, she even let him touch her.
Sexually. Worst of all, though Riza was in her early 50's when she began dating
Wolfowitz, recent scientific advances have made it possible that Riza could even
have brought yet another Wolfowitz into the world. This would seem to be in
direct conflict with the World Bank's mission of helping to improve conditions
in the world.
After an ensuing ethics investigation, Wolfowitz announced his resignation from
the bank on May 17, 2007. A week later The New York Post reported that Wolfowitz
and Riza had split up, leaving Wolfowitz to satisfy himself sexually, perhaps
with images of his handiwork in the Middle East.
(Dickipedia is a production of
Huffington Post Comedy.
The 10 Funniest, Strangest Stories of the Year
Here are the stories from 2010
that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
Please be advised: the Top Ten
Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate
News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and
linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and
track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars. Sure,
sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and
devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that
offer a break from the tension. That allow us to view the desolation from
the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. (. . .) So here they are, the stories
from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
10. Dick Cheney’s 6th
heart attack. How does a guy without a heart have 6 heart attacks? It would
be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps
spitting him back.
9. Barack Obama. True to
his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against
him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right
sees him as Malcolm X. The left - Urkel.
8. Christine O’Donnell.
Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she’s not a witch. Then the local Wiccan
community denied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn’t lead
above the fold on her election eve mailer.
7. California Gubernatorial
Candidate Meg Whitman. A Jerry Brown staffer called her a “ho” and she went
ballistic. “Its an insult to all women.” Nooooo, we’re pretty sure it was
specific to you. Spends more than a seventh of a billion dollars on her campaign
and still cuts her hair with a salad shooter. Go figure.
6. Glenn Beck. Attempts to
reclaim the civil rights movement by holding a rally on the steps of the Lincoln
Memorial. Because isn’t it about time angry middle aged pudgy white guys got a
fair shake from society?
5. Health Care. 2700 pages
long. Or 2900. They’re still not sure. Lot of stuff can happen in 200 pages.
I’ve read Harry Potter.
4. The TSA’s new search policy.
Just direct me to the agent who didn’t volunteer for the gig.
3. Sarah Palin. At Tea
Party Convention she criticized Obama for over dependency on a Teleprompter
while she had notes written on her hand. Which is a 5th grade
teleprompter for people who can’t read fast. Every two weeks there’s something
with her. Every two weeks, she erupts. She’s like Republican herpes. And I mean
that in a good way.
2. George W Bush’s
Autobiography. Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider. Wherein he talks
about how glad he is to be out of Washington. That makes about 310 million of
us. Online campaign urges customers to transfer book from Non Fiction to True
Crime.
1. BP Oil Spill. Largest pile of toxic sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s latest book. Brightside: Able to refuel jet ski midtrip.Please be advised: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars. Sure, sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that offer a break from the tension. That allow us to view the desolation from the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. Like when Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Elena Kagan and the Chilean miners were disrupted by the Icelandic Volcano from attending the World Cup. A worthy account yes, but alas, not esteemed enough for our list.
Terrorists. Go get'em, Interpol!
Dear Interpol:
As a longtime feminist activist, I have been overjoyed to discover your new
commitment to engaging in global manhunts to arrest and prosecute men who behave
like narcissistic jerks to women they are dating.
I see that Julian Assange is accused of having consensual sex with two
women, in one case using a condom that broke. I understand, from the alleged victims' complaints to the media, that Assange is also accused of
texting and tweeting in the taxi on the way to one of the women's apartments
while on a date, and, disgustingly enough, 'reading stories about himself
online' in the cab.
Both alleged victims are also upset that he began dating a second woman
while still being in a relationship with the first. (Of course, as a feminist, I
am also pleased that the alleged victims are using feminist-inspired rhetoric
and law to assuage what appears to be personal injured feelings. That's what our
brave suffragette foremothers intended!).
Thank you again, Interpol. I know you will now prioritize the global manhunt
for 1.3 million guys I have heard similar complaints about personally in the US
alone -- there is an entire fraternity at the University of Texas you need to
arrest immediately. I also have firsthand information that John Smith in
Providence, Rhode Island, went to a stag party -- with strippers! -- that his
girlfriend wanted him to skip, and that Mark Levinson in Corvallis, Oregon, did
not notice that his girlfriend got a really cute new haircut -- even though it
was THREE INCHES SHORTER.
Terrorists. Go get 'em, Interpol!
Yours gratefully,
Naomi Wolf
Opinion: Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider
You have to marvel at George W. Bush's audacious return to the national stage,
not to mention his curious timing. After all, there wasn't what you would call
an overwhelming popular demand for his reappearance. Apparently even putative
war criminals got to make a living. But it's going to take more than one
media-blitzing book tour to scrub his image. For that he'll either need another
two or three decades of restorative exile or a wire-mesh scouring pad the size
of Albania.
Here comes the New Bush, just like the Old Bush. The first
volume of 43's memoirs (oh, there will be more) has been released, and, though
you know in your heart he wanted to call it "The Great Decider" or "Decisions
Decided by the Deciding Decider," cooler heads prevailed at Crown Publishing
Group, simply titling it "Decision Points" as told to George Bush by Dick
Cheney. No. I just made that last part up. And neither is Amazon bundling the
autobiography with "My Pet Goat," but it's a fiendishly good idea.
Not sure who edited this puppy, but odds are that person burned through
about four spell checks. Ironically, he's got a long way to go to live up to the
standards set in previous Bush family tell-alls, especially the one penned by
his mother's dog. Booksellers will surely decide which section to stock the
volume geographically. In Dallas, it will go under Biography. In D.C., Current
Events. San Francisco, Horror. And New Orleans, True Crime.
To be honest,
it's kind of creepy to see Laura's husband plastered all over the tube again
after a two-year sabbatical. Like Hollywood rebooting a particularly gruesome
series of "Nightmare on K Street" movies. Can't be easy for him either, flacking
512 pages of redacted reminiscences with an approval rating hovering around the
level of "go to snake belly and dig," but that's show biz.
This
collection of recollections, or, more precisely, lack thereof, is about as
revealing as an aerial view of an underground bunker. To say this print revival
effort is not big on revelations is like implying moles don't need sunblock.
Then again, maybe it's a continuation his own personal Don't Ask, Don't Tell,
Then Lie, policy. George Bush and introspection: Not a match. The board goes
back.
He does nail a colloquial tone in this tome, leading off with a self-deprecating
tour of his storied misspent youth. Then takes too much time whining about the
churlish noise of politics, oblivious to the fact that his good buddy Karl Rove
is responsible for adding numerous decimal points to the decibel damage. Goes on
to speak about how happy he is to be out of Washington, and with all due
respect, may I say, sir, that makes 310 million of us.
Throughout the
book, Bush clings to the notion that waterboarding is legal and not torture (cuz
a guy said so), which should hold a measure of solace to the segment of the
book-reading public who would rather be waterboarded than read this unapologetic
self-serving hogwash. Although admittedly, compared with other presidential
self-chroniclings -- not half bad. Definitely two steps above the expected "I
Can Haz Prezidenzy?" Crayons sold separately.
(Will Durst)
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is "quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today," and the Chicago Tribune calls him a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Osgood." 2010
Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels
VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level. Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter's Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his "most humble apologies" to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.
"This is absolutely unacceptable," Pope Benedict said. "It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors. And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood," he continued. "They should know that they're only allowed one small child every other month."
The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of "tender, tender young flesh" had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.
"The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation—it's simply unavoidable," Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. "But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries. The majority of priests don't want to molest kids at all," he added. "But for those who do, we must make sure they're doing it at a reasonable rate."
Following the pope's speech, the Vatican released a statement outlining its plan to reduce pedophilia. Starting next year, specially trained cardinals will make unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests' sexual activity. These senior officials will also have the authority to enforce harsh punishments for any clergy member violating his allotment of pedophilia.
"If a priest goes even one child over the limit, there will be hell to pay," said Prefect Emeritus of the Congregation for Bishops Giovanni Battista Re, explaining the Vatican's new "Three Strikes, You're Out Rule." "After the third offense, the offending priest will immediately be moved to another parish. This will give officials time to investigate the case, and will act as an effective deterrent since it usually takes months for priests to gain the trust of the new children."
As a "goodwill measure," Cardinal Re said all churches will also be required to display a sign next to the altar showing the number of days since the last molestation. Criticism of the pope's new plan has already begun to emerge from within the Catholic Church itself. Rev. Walter Moore, a pastor at St. Peter's in Chicago, questioned the Vatican's methodology in calculating the molestation rates, saying the church's inconsistent definition of pedophilia may have skewed the numbers.
"Is it technically pedophilia if the child's clothes are fully on the entire time? What if he's asleep when it happens?" Moore said. "It's time we had some clear guidance from Rome on this issue. For instance, the church counts it as one incident regardless of whether the child is molested multiple times by the same individual or by two priests at once. That's just plain wrong. Plus, if it's supposed to be a special secret between the priest and the boy, is it even any of the church's business in the first place?" he added. "Maybe Brandon is just trying to get attention."
The Vatican would not release details of the pope's upcoming world tour, in which he plans to clear up any confusion on the matter by personally demonstrating what constitutes molestation.
(The ONION. April issue, 2010)
Huge Deficits May Hamper America's Ability to Wage Pointless Wars, Pentagon Fears
WASHINGTON -- Mounting budget deficits for the foreseeable future may "greatly hamper" the U.S.'s ability to wage pointless wars, a leading Pentagon general says.
According to Gen. Blanton Creegan, "The days of our invading a country for no reason whatsoever may be at an end." Gen. Creegan adds, "In the past, we were able to start a war with a country simply because we said they might have WMD -- now, we may actually have to check first."
The General says that the Pentagon was especially worried that, given the new budget constraints, the United States may no longer be able to engage in "open-ended quagmires with no end in sight."
"We still have the money to put boots on the ground," he says. "But we can't afford to put anyone in those boots."
"Going forward, we are going to need to have a reason for going to war, a clearly defined mission, and a realistic exit strategy," Gen. Creegan adds. "This could put us out of business."
Reflecting on the waning of America's ability to engage in pointless conflict, the General waxes philosophical: "It was fun while it lasted."
(The Andy Borowitz Report)
IRAQ WAR SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY – “WE’LL KNOW BETTER NEXT TIME”
(. . .) Hey, kids! I know that right now, if you're watching the "news" at all, you're probably neck deep in health care and whip counts and wondering how Bart Stupak is going to vote. But you know what happened seven years ago today? The United States launched a pointless war in Iraq! Not a deficit-neutral one, either! But for some reason, nobody cares about it anymore.
You remember why we went to war in the first place, even? A reminder: it was because the American people were sold on the idea that Saddam Hussein was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And in a post-9/11 world, that wouldn't stand! The only thing that would stand was crazy over-reaction to everything! Actual weapons inspectors kept telling us that they couldn't find any WMDs -- but that was coming from Hans Blix, some kind of Swedish socialist, and Mohammed ElBaradei, whose name sounds pretty Muslimy! And then Donald Rumsfeld said that absence of evidence wasn't evidence of absence and that there were unknown unknowns and what not, and so we trotted off to invade Iraq on the thinnest of pretexts, and what ho! It turns out that Saddam's awesome military capacity amounted to "occasionally being able to boil some soup."
Of course, that wasn't the only reason we invaded! America needed to show the terrorists that we were serious. But as it turned out, fighting the actual terrorists was hard. But Iraq looked like it would be a cakewalk, the very sort of place where we could execute the vision of Thomas Friedman: What they needed to see was American boys and girls going from house to house, from Basra to Baghdad and basically saying, "Which part of this sentence don't you understand. You don't think that we care about our open society? You think this [terrorism] bubble fantasy, we're just going to let it grow? Well, suck on this. Yes! Let's forcibly sodomize some people who had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, to prove our seriousness!
See, we were going to "fight the terrorists in Iraq so that we wouldn't have to fight them here," in America. Nobody could explain why we simply couldn't keep fighting those terrorists in Afghanistan, where they were. You know, it was March when we launched the war, so maybe we were all just really caught up in the NCAA tournament, and we wanted to play the terrorists on a neutral court. Eventually, a microscopic terrorist organization called "al Qaeda in Iraq" sprung up where none existed before. Meanwhile, our actual enemies made their way to safe havens, reconstituted themselves and touched off a golden age of global jihad.
Eventually, goals got grander and vaguer and more impossible to deliver on. At some point, our mission became "spreading democracy" at the tip of a bayonet. We were going to settle Iraq out, create an American ally, and slowly all the bad actors in the region would turn around. It was a pretty, pretty theory -- surely, among the prettiest! In practice however, getting bogged down in Iraq strengthened the hand of the Iranian regime, emboldened Hezbollah and did nothing to prevent the elevation of Hamas in Palestine. (. . .) Of course, we can all celebrate the deposing of Saddam Hussein, a brutal dictator who murdered the citizens of Halabja with poison gas developed from chemical precursors that became available after President Ronald Reagan removed Iraq from the list of State Sponsors of Terrorism. What's harder to celebrate is the way Saddam's ouster culminated in a early morning hanging at which his executors chanted the name of Moqtada al Sadr -- that avatar of Jeffersonian democracy. After the execution, Hussein's body was repeatedly stabbed, in keeping with post-Enlightenment government traditions.
In 2004, John Kerry ran for President against George W. Bush, and the War on Iraq was the key issue of the day. Unfortunately for Kerry, he ran into the little problem of not being able to reconcile his previous support for the War In Iraq with his latter-day opposition to it. So, rather than just do the right thing and admit he was wrong, he attempted to split the difference. Sure, the whole war in Iraq was a terrible strategy, Kerry reasoned, but if America would just put him in charge of the terrible strategy, he would make everything better through the sheer force of his John Kerryness. There weren't nearly enough Americans willing to vote for that nonsense, however, and Bush was re-elected to a second term.
In the years that followed, Democrats stood up and swore up and down that Bush needed to bring an end to the war. We needed a timetable for withdrawal! We needed a hard date set to end the occupation! We needed to take back up the War in Afghanistan, where our enemies were. But the poor little dear Democrats just didn't have the votes to do anything! Of course, that all changed in 2006, when the Democrats were swept back in to legislative power on the strength of their constant promise to end the War in Iraq. But when the time came to act on their promises, the Democrats completely and utterly punked out, like cowardly little shits, and the war wended on.
I guess I'm leaving some stuff out, like the widespread insurgency, the sectarian violence, the shame of Abu Ghraib, the displacement of thousands of people from their homes, the destruction of a nations' infrastructure, the looting of a nations' culture and many, many thousand of deaths. On the other hand, there was a SURGE! And it demonstrated that U.S. military casualties could be reduced by adding reinforcements. I hadn't thought this premise was the least bit controversial, but everyone talked about the Surge as if they'd just discovered a vein of Unobtainium, or something. Oh, and at no time did the media bother to seriously question the wisdom of any of this, because to do so would mean inviting the reputation-killing charge of Not Being Serious, which would mean fewer invitations to cocktail parties where one could get drunk with Christopher Hitchens.
Eventually, in November of 2008, the Bush administration entered into a Status of Forces Agreement with the Iraqis that finally solidified the setting of a timetable for withdrawal and a hard end-date to the Iraqi occupation. The drawing down of troops is proceeding according to those guidelines, and the Iraqis are holding elections. Of course, bombs are going off all over the place during those elections, but we're not going to let that get in the way of the success we all richly deserve. And now, Thomas Friedman is saying things like, "It's Up To The Iraqis Now. Good Luck". And that is just a PERFECT explication of where the Very Important People In America are at, right now. Former President George W. Bush's gut instinct that this region craved and needed democracy was always right. It should have and could have been pursued with much better planning and execution. This war has been extraordinarily painful and costly. But democracy was never going to have a virgin birth in a place like Iraq, which has never known any such thing.
Some argue that nothing that happens in Iraq will ever justify the costs. Historians will sort that out. Personally, at this stage, I only care about one thing: that the outcome in Iraq be positive enough and forward-looking enough that those who have actually paid the price -- in lost loved ones or injured bodies, in broken homes or broken lives, be they Iraqis or Americans or Brits -- see Iraq evolve into something that will enable them to say that whatever the cost, it has given freedom and decent government to people who had none. That, though, will depend on Iraqis and their leaders. See, WE DID IT. Even though the actual doing of it was terrible, and people died, and it cost us untold sums of money. But nobody promised it would be easy, except for those who did! Historians will sort it out, in textbooks being cooked up by McCarthy-loving dullards in Texas. We have given Iraq a great gift, and if they cannot eventually overcome the death and devastation and displacement and distrust, well... THAT'S THEIR FAULT.
See, that's the amazing thing: everyone who led the charge into Iraq really believes that they are going to walk away clean from this! Everyone actually believes that it is perfectly OK to have not learned a goddamn thing from all of this. Well, we'll know better next time.
(Jason Linkins)
A Hypothetical Invasion of Bolivia
Suppose the world had awakened this morning to the news that the Russian army had attacked and invaded Bolivia. Thousands of Russian paratroopers have landed in the country, securing airports, permitting hundreds of Russian transport planes to bring in tens of thousands of Russian soldiers
Despite being badly outmanned and outgunned, the Bolivians, both military and civilian, are resisting the invasion fiercely. Both the Russians and the Bolivians are suffering hundreds of casualties.
When asked why Russia has decided to invade Bolivia, Russian officials respond, “In order to spread democracy, stability, peace, and freedom in Latin America.”
What would be the reaction of the American people? My hunch is that at least 99 percent of the American people and 100 percent of U.S. officials would be angry and outraged. Immediately, U.S. officials would be denouncing the raw, naked aggression and demanding that Russia exit Bolivia immediately. Many federal officials would even be demanding U.S. intervention on behalf of the Bolivians.
My hunch also is that there would be very little sympathy for the Russian soldiers who were losing the lives in the battles. The attitude among Americans would be that they shouldn’t have invaded Bolivian in the first place. Virtually all the sympathy, I think, would be with the Bolivian people, especially those who were losing their lives in the conflict.
Now, change the identity of the invader. This time the world wakes up to the news that the United States has invaded Bolivia. Fierce battles are taking place and both sides are taking heavy casualties. When asked why the U.S. has invaded Bolivia, U.S. officials respond, “In order to spread democracy, stability, peace, and freedom in Latin America.”
My hunch is that the reaction of many Americans would be entirely different. Bumper stickers would immediately appear on cars across the land exhorting Americans to “support the troops.” The following Sunday and every Sunday after that, ministers in both Catholic and Protestant churches would be asking their parishioners to bow their heads in silence and pray for the troops who are in harm’s way, working for peace and defending our freedoms in a faraway land. American soldiers being killed would be mourned and medaled as having died in the service of their country. The Bolivian dead would be called “the bad guys.”
How can we be certain that the American reaction to a Russian invasion of Bolivia would be dramatically different from a U.S. invasion of the country? Two reasons: Afghanistan, which both the Soviet Union and the U.S. invaded, and Iraq, which the U.S. invaded.
(Jacob G. Hornberger)
FILL IN THE BLANK STORIES
It’s easy to get jaundiced covering politics and government after awhile. So much of what happens in Washingtonworld is so predictable it’s like the old joke about old jokes. They’re so familiar someone assigns numbers to them. Even after the historic election of Barack Obama, the collapse of the economy, and the sweeping agenda he’s proposing, the narrative is falling into the old joke patterns. Just for laughs, let’s compile a top 10 list for the comedians here in DC. They appear in no particular order.
1) (Country’s name) erupts into angry ant-government demonstrations , followed by repression. (President’s name) administration spokesmen say the best course for the US government is to not get too deeply involved for fear of scuttling vital, delicate negotiations. (Opposition party) critics bitterly complain on (Fox News) (MSNBC) that President (name) is failing to stand up for American principles.
2) (Name) Bank has paid back federal stimulus money much more quickly than economists felt would be economically prudent. Although the bank is still receiving (number) billions in federal aid Treasury Secretary (name) put out a statement saying the “pay back is another indication our economic turnaround plan is working”. (Name) Bank officials deny the move has anything to do with executive compensation restrictions attached to government funds.
3) The (Congressional Budget Office) (Independent Budget Monitor) released a study today that estimated the cost of President (Name)’s (Name) Initiative. The amount exceeded by (number) Billion dollars any earlier projections. (Party) opposition leaders immediately blasted on (Fox News) (MSNBC) the administration for “dangerous fiscal irresponsibility which will saddle our children and grandchildren with crippling debt”. At the White House Press secretary called the report “sobering but added “This just demonstrates the urgency for reforming the broken (name) system.
4) The American Civil Liberties Union has criticized the (Name) national security legislation as a “dangerous threat to civil liberties”. Government spokesmen who refused to be identified because they were not authorized to speak about top secret matters they knew nothing about because they were in no way connected to the proposed bill told the (media name) that the measure is necessary to continue the War Against (name war), and that safeguards are in place to protect the fundamental (name) rights of innocent Americans.
5) (Muslim name) who has filed a lawsuit claiming that his civil rights were violated when he was identified by a government (name the privacy intrusion) sweep, then kidnapped and sent to (classified) by the (CIA, FBI) where he was tortured, will be unable to proceed with his legal action after lawyers for the (President’s name) Justice Department successfully argued the litigation would reveal “State Secrets”.
6) US military officials in (war zone) acknowledged that (high number) of civilians had been killed in an attack run by US (name drone) (B-1) aircraft in which (number) ton bombs were dropped on a (school) (mosque). Originally, the Pentagon insisted (low number) had been killed and that all were enemy fighters. Survivors in the (country) village were bitter and said they would fight “the murderous Americans”. Defense officials, meanwhile announced a new program aimed at “winning the hearts and minds” of the (country) population.
7) (President) administration lawyers cited concerns that releasing pictures that show American interrogators torturing captives would inflame anger against US forces.
8) Supreme Court nominee (name) issued a statement today announcing (he) (she) would resign from the (gender)-only (name) club after (opposition party) supporters had accused (him) (her) on (Fox News) (MSNBC) of (chauvinist) (reverse) sexism.
9) (Politician) has expressed outrage after (Commentator or Comedian) said that (his) (her) daughter had been (”pimped out) (”knocked up”) (whatever). (Commentator) (Comedian) denied he was fanning the flames of the controversy to improve ratings.
10) (Newspaper) (Radio TV) organizations held still another meeting to try and figure out why fewer and fewer (readers) (viewers) were paying attention to these stories.
(Bob Franken – Franken Sense)
Pharisees on the Potomac
Like cats that have lost their whiskers, the Republicans seem off balance now that they have lost their talent for hypocrisy.
They are still practicing the ancient political art of Tartuffery, of course, just without their former aplomb.
Who can forget the glory years, when the Gipper invoked God but never went to church? When Arlen Specter accused Anita Hill of perjury to distract from Clarence Thomas’s false witness? When Newt Gingrich and other conservatives indulged in affairs with young Washington peaches as they pushed to impeach Bill Clinton?
No one had more flair than W. and Cheney, crowing about making us safe as they made the world more dangerous, and bragging about fiscal restraint while they spent us into oblivion.
Now when Republicans get caught flouting the principles they dictate, they are not able to practice hypocrisy with such impunity.
Loverboy Mark Sanford’s career continued to go south last week as news organizations exposed his two-faced tactics on travel expenses. When he ran for South Carolina governor in 2002, he attacked the Democratic incumbent for “lavish spending” on hotels and planes. Once elected, he asked state employees to bunk together in hotel rooms when they traveled and chastised staffers who spent more than the $208 federal rate.
But, as Politico reports: “He routinely billed taxpayers for high-end airline seats, racking up more than $44,000 on business and first-class tickets. He often stayed in pricey hotels that far exceeded the rates he imposed on other state employees.” On a trade mission to China, Sanford spent $12,000 on business-class tickets, leaving aides in economy for about $1,900.
The religious boardinghouse in Washington where Sanford sought succor from fellow conservatives, where he agonized to pals about his tango with the enticing María, is also back in the news. Affiliated with a secretive Capitol Hill group known as the Fellowship — which also sponsored Bible study and prayer circles attended by Hillary Clinton when she was a senator — the pious dwelling is becoming a tourist attraction, a monument to Republican hypocrisy.
The C Street house, as the flag-flying brick rowhouse near the Capitol is known, serves as a residence and Bible study retreat for many Christian conservative lawmakers. But it looks as if what these guys were praying for was a chance to get lucky.
John Ensign, the Promise Keeper who broke all his promises, resides there. As The Washington Post reported, Senator Tom Coburn, who lives there, had an emotional meeting about forgiveness at the house with Doug Hampton, the husband of Ensign’s mistress. (Forgiveness plus bribery can often do the trick.) Coburn says he would not talk to a court or the Senate ethics committee about the episode because he was counseling Ensign partly as a doctor. (Coburn is an ob-gyn.)
Last week, The Associated Press revealed that the estranged wife of a former Republican congressman, Chip Pickering of Mississippi, had filed an alienation of affection lawsuit seeking damages against her husband’s gal pal, a wealthy former college sweetheart named Elizabeth Creekmore Byrd. The suit charges that as a lawmaker, Chip used C Street as a divine love nest. (. . . .)
(Maureen Dowd)
Who Is This "Dick Cheeny" Guy and Why Should I Care What He Thinks?
I'm using my channel-flicker to flick through the channels today, and I see this 100-year-old grouchy guy named "Dick Cheeny" giving a speech at the "American Enzyme Institute" (?), and it looks like his mouth is about to slide off the side of his face and expose his skull, so I stop and watch.
Lo and behold, the guy isn't speaking about enzymes at all. As far as I can tell, he's talking about torturing people -- namely, that President Obama, who is president, which means he is in charge, which means he decides American foreign policy, which means everyone else can shut up, isn't doing enough of it.
My initial thought was, "Who is this Dick Cheeny guy and why should I give a flying purple goddamn what he thinks?" Do people believe he's important? Because he sounds like someone who lives on the subway and wears origami sailor hats made out of Soldier of Fortune magazines.
As far as I could tell, his speech was actually some weird kind of mouth-yoga where you keep returning to "9/11" position every thirty seconds:
For me, one of the defining experiences was the morning of 9/11 itself. As you might recall, I was in my office in that first hour, when radar caught sight of an airliner heading toward the White House at 500 miles an hour.
Actually, no, Mr. Face-sliding-off, I don't recall that on 9/11 you were in your office (at the RadioShack where you work?). You could have been bussing tables at Applebee's, or stuffing envelopes from home, or drinking a protein shake made of your own bile. How would I know? I have no idea who you are. Why are you on my television?
But then Cheeny started talking about how "rounding up random Afghan teenagers and torturing them in Cuba's armpit has saved trillions of American lives," and "if we let a bunch of scraggledy-bearded douchebags into the American penal system, somehow they'll hypnotize the guards and convert the wardens and build a mustard-gas-Islam-fart-bomb," or whatever, and I started thinking, "Wait a minute, this guy looks familiar."
Then he started in about "dark days" and "gathering threats" and "nefarious enemies" and "the desert-people are scheming" and "even a piece of cheese can be a mighty weapon" and then I remembered:
This is the guy everyone in America deemed a total asshole and decided to ignore about five years ago.
THE END.
(All quotes from memory)
(David Rees)
* * *
"All in all, we're proud of the change we've brought to Washington in these first hundred days but we've got a lot of work left to do, as all of you know. So I'd like to talk a little bit about what my administration plans to achieve in the next hundred days.
During the second hundred days, we will design, build and open a library dedicated to my first hundred days. (Laughter.) It's going to be big, folks. (Laughter.) In the next hundred days, I will learn to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the prompter. (Laughter.)
In the next hundred days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. (Laughter.) Although not a color that appears in the natural world. (Laughter.) What's up, John? (Laughter.)
In the next hundred days, I will meet with a leader who rules over millions with an iron fist, who owns the airwaves and uses his power to crush all who would challenge his authority at the ballot box. It's good to see you, Mayor Bloomberg. (Laughter.)
In the next hundred days, we will housetrain our dog, Bo, because the last thing Tim Geithner needs is someone else treating him like a fire hydrant. (Laughter.) In the next hundred days, I will strongly consider losing my cool. (Laughter.)
Finally, I believe that my next hundred days will be so successful I will be able to complete them in 72 days. (Laughter.) And on the 73rd day, I will rest." (Laughter.)
(Keeping with tradition, President Obama got a chance to try his hand at stand-up at the White House Correspondent's Dinner Saturday night. Above is an excerpt.)
* * *
Cheny starts pro-torture Facebook page
In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.
In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the former vice president seems to be attempting something far more ambitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.
"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.
The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's certainly something Lynne and I share."
But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture fan page -- only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date -- the vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding fans.
"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin. "I'd feel like someone was always watching me."
At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking. That's my job now."
(Andy Borowitz)
* * *
Sarah Palin's $159,050 Conflict of Interest
While you read this, Alaska's First Dude, Todd Palin, is riding a snowmobile -- I'm sorry, snow machine -- 1971 miles from Big Lake to Fairbanks. In the course of performing this awesome feat, his Arctic Cat's powerful two-stroke engine will emit the same amount of hydrocarbons as an automobile driving from Chicago to San Francisco and back 150 times.
A small price for the rest of us to pay to honor the indomitability of the human spirit and one man's ability to sit and hold on.
It's not just a blaze of glory and aromatic hydrocarbon. A conventional two-stroke engine emits as much as a quarter of its fuel unburned, directly into the air. This week, as a participant in the Iron Dog™ snow machine race, Todd Palin will release as many cancer-causing and smog-forming pollutants as a Chevy Malibu driven around the Earth at its equator 28 times.
Seems like a lot of work, just to get away from Sarah Palin.
But Todd's not just doing it because he hates his home life and likes things that make loud noises and emit benzene. He does it because it's there. And for hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and gifts from corporations who do business with the Governor's office.
For riding a snowmobile.
Something you could train a bear to do.
The Emperor Nero used to clean up at the Olympic games. It was eerie. He won everything. According to Suetonius, he once won a chariot race despite falling off and not finishing the course. That's how good he was. He also never wore the same clothes twice. So he would have fit right in with the Palins there also.
I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just saying.
The total purse value of this year's Iron Dog™ is $159,050. The sponsors include the petroleum giants Tesoro and Conoco-Phillips; State Farm, Wells Fargo, Frontier Airlines, Alaska Airlines and the Alaska First National Bank.
The Iron Dog™ has fewer than 40 entrants a year, and one of them is always Todd.
Does this smell? I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I hate the cold and I think motor sports is an oxymoron. But he is Alaska's First Lady, and Tesoro is an oil company.
Let's say this was Louisiana in the '30s. If Texaco sponsored a pancake-eating contest, and Huey Long's wife kept winning it, there would have been talk.
To be fair, Todd can't win the whole purse.
There are lots of little door prizes just for rookies and women and steak dinners for Cutest Hat. Just like in Jack London days.
And, to be fair, Todd doesn't always walk away from the camping trip with the hundred grand first prize. He's only won four times.
Once after Sarah was elected to the Wasilla City Council, once after she was elected mayor, the year she was appointed to the Alaska Oil and Gas Commission, and the year she was elected governor.
(Chris Kelly. Writer, Real Time with Bill Maher)
* * *
Obama Considers Tax on Cabinet
President Barack Obama is mulling a controversial new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.
While the unorthodox tax proposal is reportedly "only in the planning stages," it is being eyed as a possible way to balance the Federal budget.
"According to projections, if members of the Cabinet actually paid their taxes, we could wind up with a budget surplus in excess of $18.2 billion," said Obama economic adviser Paul Volcker.
Mr. Volcker said he strongly favored the plan, but added, "Fortunately for me, I'm not officially in the Cabinet."
But imposing taxes on Cabinet members may be easier said than done, critics of the plan warn.
"Remember, these people are not used to paying taxes," said one White House source. "They are going to be hopping mad about this."
Another wrinkle in the plan is how the taxes would actually be collected, with President Obama reportedly favoring a cash-at-the-door entry fee for every Cabinet meeting.
"If they don't have the money, they don't get in," said the source. "They're not going to be able to just sail into the White House for free like the Jonas Brothers."
When told of Mr. Obama's plan to make his Cabinet members pay taxes, Fmr. Sen. Tom Daschle responded, "Whew! Sounds like I dodged a bullet."
(Andy Borowitz)
* * *
Harman: It's Not My Fault I Couldn't Figure Out Domestic Wiretapping Was Illegal
You rise to become the top Democrat on the House Intelligence committee. When you get this position you become part of the elite 'Gang of Eight,' and as part of your intel briefings, you are told that under orders from the president, the National Security Agency set up "unique access points inside the U.S. telecommunications infrastructure." You are assured that this is legal. You are a trained lawyer.
What do you do?
Well, if you are one particular Congresswoman, you don't think that's its highly suspicious that the NSA is operating inside the United States. You don't find a way to research the legality of the program, by getting hypothetical answers from constitutional and intelligence experts. You don't read the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act to see if the program sounds legal.
Instead, you wait until 2004 when a reporter comes sniffing around and then you warn him not run a story.
Then, after the story finally runs some 13 months later, you call for the prosecution of the New York Times for revealing the illegality you thought was legality.
Then you smell changes in the political winds, perhaps get a little curious. Three years after becoming the top Democrat on the Intelligence committee, you finally decide to learn about the history of FISA and learn that it is the ONLY way for the nation's spooks to spy on Americans. You start stamping your feet a little bit in public.
Then you wonder why Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a fellow Democratic Californian congresswoman, passes you over in 2006 for the chair of the House Intelligence committee.
Then you try to defend yourself online in 2008 saying you were not for the program when it was secret and against it when it was revealed.
You are Jane Harman, (D-California).
(By Ryan Singel)
* * *
Top 10 Reasons Sarah Palin Cancels the Debate
10. Suspicious Russian tourists spotted across the Bering strait in Dezhnevo
9. Wrasslin' a bear
8. Learns Tina Fey will be watching
7. When taken on tour of White House by McCain handlers, is "inadvertently" locked in Cheney's man-sized safe
6. Schedule for memorizing state capitals thrown off by need for new schedule to memorize states
5. Speechless after finally looking up what "MILF" stands for
4. On deadline to finish her book, Namin' Your Baby the Alaskan Way
3. Needs more time to really nail those hilarious hair-plug zingers
2. No matter how hard she scrubs, she can't get Kissinger's moral stank off of her
1. Stuck in traffic on the Bridge to Nowhere
* * *
An Obama Fable – It’s All About the Mood, Dude
The Obamarama Campaign Express was roaring down a New Hampshire highway near Nashua when an aide spotted the sprawling No Holds Barred Sports Bar. “Let’s stop the bus,” she urged, “and do some random schmoozing.”
Obama and his entourage poured out of the bus and headed for the front door, over which hung a large sign: “HOME OF THE POLI-BEER: WHERE BOOZE, POLITICS AND SPORTS MIX IT UP!”
Inside the packed bar, the guys and gals were gathering for the Big Game to start. Before the game, however, there was an hour for political talk time. Their eyes widened in amazement when they saw Barack, bounding through the doorway with his secret service detail.
The bar had a big pit, with a huge crackling fireplace, where the patrons have their regular give and take. Obama was ready for some of that.
He started: “I stand for change. They said we set our sights too high in Iowa. They said now is not the time. I proved the cynics wrong in corn country and I’ll prove them wrong in the granite state. To show you I mean it, no speech, go at me. Our time for change has come.”
Guy number one - ”Ok, Barack, you’re going for the power in the Big House, the big companies already have the power, how ya gonna make us little people powerful?”
Obama - ”Stay tuned. One leap at a time. We are one people. Get me there first.”
Gal number one - ”You say, CHANGE, well how are you going to cut the bloated military budget full of vast waste, fraud and abuse, when you’ve specifically said you’ll ‘expand and modernize the military?’ Why, it’s already half or more of the government’s operating budget, squeezing programs for children, health and all that. I’m an accountant and I know numbers.”
Obama - ”Exactly. Our time for change has come. I’m going to change the old weapons with new weapons and the old soldiers with the new soldiers. That’s real change-at the grass roots.”
Guy number two - ”You don’t seem to have any rough edges, Barack.”
Obama - ”It’s all about the mood, dude.”
The crowd was getting agitated and the questions came faster and faster.
“Why are you for nuclear power with taxpayer guarantees?”
“Will you oppose Congress getting pay raises, pensions and health insurance until the American people get the same?”
“Do you favor repealing the anti-union nightmare-the Taft-Hartley Act of 1947?”
“How can you talk about change and take gobs of campaign money from the big corporate lawyers and bosses?”
Obama, smiling: - “It’s ALL about the mood, dudes. All the rest are details you can look up on my website-obama_is_us.org. We are choosing hope over fear.”
Gal number two - ”Ok, answer this one that probably isn’t on your website. When are you going to meet with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and campaign in the black ghettos-say Harlem or Watts?”
Obama - ”Whoaa, give that tough lady a Poli-beer on me! We are one nation.”
Guy number three (with an Obama face mask) -”I’m the old Obama, remember me? I was for single-payer, full medicare for everyone. I was strongly for Palestinian rights and for replacing NAFTA and WTO, not for tweaking them. I was for taxing the super-rich and defending class actions. I was for capping credit-card and loan shark interest rates. What happened to me?”
Obama - ”Well, didn’t I tell you that I stand for CHANGE?”
Gal number three - ”You seem to be for everyone, but not everyone is for everyone. Some are against everyone. Tell me, are the big corporations, the greedy defense contractors, drug, oil and insurance companies, starting to quake in their boots at the thought that you are now the front-runner?”
Obama, lifting his chin - ”Well, Ma’am, we haven’t ordered our seismometer yet.”
Oooohs and boos float around the pit. A few start drifting away.
Guy number four - ”You’re one of those smart Haavard lawyers, Barack. You were a constitutional law teacher. You were against the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq. So, why aren’t you putting two and two together-impeachment of the war criminals in the White House followed by conviction in the Senate?”
Obama - ”You don’t understand (testily), impeachment talk is just more of the same old Washington politics. I stand for change. No need to point fingers. We are one people.”
Gal number four - ”Hello, Barack. I’m Hermaphrodite and I luv your blended politics of harmony.”
Obama - ”Great! Then how about a quick dance around the bar before we have to leave,” he said, humming to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic - ”We are choosing unity over division, we’re sending a powerful message, that change is a coming to America, it is all about the mood, dude…”
(Ralph Nader)
* * *
Hello, God? It's me, Dubya!
Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.
Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I? I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.
And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack for when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"
Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?
I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlyle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.
Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.
Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?
Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.
Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?
We bombed them nasty Iraqis in Your name, Lord! Afghanis, too! Hell, I've even gone so far as to tell anyone who'll listen that it was your very will that we invade those countries, that you were pretty much speaking to me, through me, when I told General Whatshisname to go ahead and bomb the living crap outta them evil evildoers and never you mind the women and babies you just git me some war on terror, beeyatch! Whoops, sorry.
Oh, I know what them liberals say, that your son Jesus Christ was a card-carrying pacifist, hated war and hated bloodletting and hated hate. But damn, your boy certainly didn't know about the price of crude, you know? I mean, a Christian's gotta do what a Christian's gotta do to fuel up the SUV and keep the Saudis happy and keep the Lockheed stock from steppin' in a financial cow pie, am I right, Lord? Can I get a "Hell yeah"? Whoops, sorry again.
Lord, I just don't understand. I know I'm not much of a businessman, or a leader, or a public speaker, or a humanitarian, or a foreign-policy expert, or a lover of nuance, or a deep thinker, or much of anything positive or life affirming that anyone can name, really. But I'm a darned nice guy. A "decent man." This is what everyone says. And I thought we had a deal.
I thought we had an understanding that if I took my narrow hypocritical bloody misinterpretations of the Good Book's teachings and spread them all over this planet like Johnny Ashcroft anoints himself in Crisco every night, I thought if I mocked the separation of church and state at every turn and brought a twisted version of your Word to the huddled masses who weren't blessed enough to be in me and my daddy's tax bracket, you'd sorta, you know, help me out a little.
Like, maybe you'd finally get this ugly Iraq quagmire thing taken care of for me. Maybe get those scary godless Islamic peoples to see the born-again light. And maybe in the process guarantee me a first-class seat on the glory train to salvation? Or at least a friggin' second term?
Hello? Lord? You still there? God's Own Party, remember? We're all about you, baby. Except for the blood and the tortures and the warmongering and the homophobia and the misogyny and the raping of Your glorious planet on a daily basis. Besides that, you rock!
So, again, before I rush off to bed so Laura can read me another page of "Goodnight Moon," I just gotta ask: What gives, Sir? I pray every night that you'll smite my enemies and hold back the heathen liberals and Democrats and also them idiot environmentalists, the ones who want to protect the forests and clean up the air and save the freakin' whales, when, hellfire, I ain't seen a whale here in D.C. since Teddy Kennedy cannonballed in Senator Leahy's pool. Haw! See? I still got my God-given sense o' humor! People love that hokey Texas crap! Bless me, Jesus!
But nothing seems to be working anymore. S'cuze my French, Lord, but dammit, why you lettin' that cheap Catholic wanna-be Kerry hone in on me? Why is that commie Michael Moore's 9/11 movie so damn successful, despite all of Uncle Dick's promises that the party would shut it down? Why is my "easy" little war only getting worse, and bloodier, and more confusing, and why is it giving me rashy itches in my nether parts? Why are my approval ratings slipping down lower'n an altar boy's pants in a Catholic rectory?
Don't you approve of my religious zealotry? Of how we slam Islam every day? Didn't you like it when I let Gen. William Boykin say, when talkin' about hammering them nasty Iraqis, that "my God is much bigger than their Allah," and it got splashed all over the Arab media? Two million Muslims hate me like a cancer, Lord! If that don't get me some bonus points in your book, I don't know what does.
And yet you're still lettin' scandal after scandal stain my pure, holy name. Rummy and his rape and torture, Wolfie and his Chalabi, Cheney and his Halliburton, Ashcroft and his Guantánamo Bay, Powell and his vial of anthrax, Rove and his very existence. Why, it's a gul-dang rogue's gallery of beady-eyed mean-ass misprision! Hey! Check it out! I said a neat word! Misprision! I wish I knew what it meant. You hafta save me, Lord. You have to pump up my poll ratings, get the damned liberal media off my back (but not Fox News! Never them), make the people believe again.
See, they're not falling for the fear crap quite so much anymore. The bogus Orange Alerts and terror warnings ain't having the same effect. They're seein' through the dumb-guy schtick. They ain't buying any of the 1,001 reasons we made up to launch war on Iraq. Seems most 'Murkins don't really like being internationally loathed, disrespected, mocked, being made into a sad global joke. Go figger.
Maybe it'll help when we "capture" Osama bin Laden just before election time, when we finally "discover" him in a remote hilltop cave deep in Afghanistan -- a.k.a., a secret basement somewhere in Jersey where we've had him stashed for months for just this occasion. You think that'll help? Rove says it's a lock. I ain't so sure.
I guess that's it for now, Lord. I'm getting' sleepy from all this hard thinkin'. Thank you for listening, Lord. I know you're up there, right now, waving a little American flag and admiring your NRA lifetime membership plaque and voting Republican and givin' them icky gay people some nasty STDs and completely ignoring the rest of this big scary unpronounceable planet. Gul-dang heathens!
You're the best, Lord. Bless me, one more time, OK? I'm gonna need it.
(Mark Morford. SF Gate)
* * *
Conservatives try to sabotage McCain's loss by asking Sarah to
drop out
Sarah Palin, we are a better website because of you.
Kathleen Parker, a conservative columnist for the National Review Online, is calling for Sarah Palin to drop out of the race.
"Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves. She can bow out for personal reasons, perhaps because she wants to spend more time with her newborn. No one would criticize a mother who puts her family first."
Sarah, darling, don't listen to that nasty slut Kathleen Parker. She has an ulterior motive- she's trying to get McCain in the White House. I'm not.
Seriously, Sarah Heath Palin, I can't live without you. Like Paulson to Pelosi, I'm on my knees, begging you to be my partner in comedy until Nov 4th, when Barack Obama sends you and the entire GOP back to Wasilla with gift baskets of condoms and rape kits.
Every word that shoots from your sarcastic yet uninformed mouth is a gift from God. (Or a witch!) And Sarah, you head my favorite family since the Brady Bunch. The adorably miserable Bristol, soldier-boy Track and his coke habit, the Christchild Trig, Piper the licker and Willow, the mysterious one. Don't get me started on the Eskimo husband Todd who keeps puttin' it in ya after all these years. Do you know how many Palin stories we've done? 234. Whoops, this one -235. Never mind. The number rises quicker than the debt clock.
Just today, new video emerged of your swimsuit walk in the Miss Alaska competition. Yes, you were a runner up in Miss Alaska, and yes, you will lose Miss Vice-President, but 23/6 has a more impressive crown, Miss Internet Traffic.
(Posted by: Laurie Kilmartin)
* * *
Prank call
[phone rings]
Palin: This is Sarah.
Avenger: Uh, yeah, uh, Governor Palin. . .
Palin: Hello!
Avenger: Just hold on for Sarkozy, one moment.
In the background, Palin: [Oh, it's not him yet (unintelligible) I always do
that]
Avenger: Yes, yes, hello, governor
In the background, Palin: [I'll just have people hand it to me right when it's]
Avenger: Yes, hello, misses governor?
Palin: Hello, this is Sarah, how are you?
Avenger: Fine and you, this is Nicolas speaking, how are you?
Palin: Oh, so good, it's so good to hear you [giggle] thank you for calling us.
Avenger: Oh, it's a pleasure
Palin: Thank you sir. We have such great respect for you, John McCain and I. We
love you, and thank you taking a few minutes to talk to me.
Avenger: I follow your campaigns closely with my special campaign adviser [not
sure what name he says here] you know.
Palin: Yes, good.
Avenger: Excellent, uh, are you confident?
Palin: Very confident, and we're thankful that polls are showing that the race
is tightening, and. . .
Avenger: Well, I know very well that the campaign can be exhausting, how do you
feel right now my dear?
Palin: I feel so good. I feel like we're in a marathon, and at the very end of a
marathon, you get your second wind, and you plow through the finish...
Avenger: You see, I got where I am in France because I'm real, and you seem to
be someone who's real as well.
Palin: Yes. [giggle] Yeah. [giggle] uh, heh, Nicholos, we so appreciate this
opportunity. . .
Avenger: You know, I see you as a president one day, you too. . .
Palin: [giggle] Maybe in 8 years.
Avenger: Well, uh, I . . . for you. You know, we have a lot in common because
personally one of my favorite activities is to hunt too.
Palin: Oh, very good, we should go hunting together.
Avenger: Exactly, we should go try hunting by helicopter like you did, I never
did that. Like we say in France [something in French]
Palin: I think we'd have a lot of fun together, as we're getting work done -- We
can kill two birds with one stone that way
Avenger: I just love killing those animals, mm mm, take away life that is so
fun.
Avenger: I'd really love to go as long as we don't bring your Vice President
Cheney [laugh]
Palin: No, I'll be a careful shot.
Avenger: Yes, see, you know we have a lot in common also because except from my
ass I can see Belgium, that's kind of ...
Palin: Well see, we're all next door to countries that we need to be working
with, yes.
Avenger: Some people said in the last days that you weren't unexperienced enough
in foreign relations, and you know, that's completely false. That's the thing I
said to the prime minister of Canada Steph Carse. . .
Palin: Well, he's doing fine too, and Yeah, when you come into a position
underestimated, it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics
wrong, you work that much harder. . .
Avenger: I was wondering because you are so next to him, one of my good friends
also the prime minister of Quebec Mister [Franc Ouvrier?] has met him recently
did he come to one of your rallies
Palin: I haven't seen him at one of the rallies, but it's been great working
with the Canadian officials in my role as governor. We have a great cooperative
effort there as we work on all of our resource development projects. You know, I
look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your
beautiful wife, oh my goodness, you added a lot of energy to your country with
uhm with that beautiful family of yours.
Avenger: Thank you very much. You know my wife Cécilia would love to meet you,
uh, you know, even thought she was a bit jealous today that I was supposed to
speak to you today.
Palin: Well, give her a big hug from me.
Avenger: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model, and she is
so hot in bed, she even wrote a song for you.
Palin: Oh my goodness, I didn't know that.
Avenger: Yes, in French it's called [says something in French] or if you prefer
in English, Joe the plumber, [singing] it's his life, Joe the plumber...
Palin: Maybe she understands some of that unfair criticism, but I bet she is
such a hard worker too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism,
and. . .
Avenger: To be sure, I don't quite understand the phenomenon Joe the plumber,
that's not your husband?
Palin: That's not my husband, but he's a normal American who just works hard and
does not want government to take his money.
Avenger: Yes, yes, I understand, we have the equivalent of Joe the plumber in
France, it's called [says something in French]
Palin: Right, that's what it's all about, is the middle class, and government
needing to work for them, you're a very good example for us here.
Avenger: Uh, I see a bit about NBC even Fox News was not an ally sorry about as
much as usual.
Palin: Yeah, that's what we're up against.
Avenger: I must say Governor Palin, I love the documentary they made on your
life, you know uh, Nailin' Palin. . .
Palin: Oh good. Thank you. Yes.
Avenger: That was really edgy.
Palin: Uh, well good. [giggle]
Avenger: I really loved you, and I must say something also governor. You've been
pranked. By the Masked Avengers. We are two comedians from Montreal.
Palin: Ohhhh, have we been pranked? And what radio station is this?
Avenger: This is for CKOI in Montreal.
Palin: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters.
Avenger: C-K - hello?
[unintelligible talking in the background]
Avenger: If one voice can change the world for Obama, one [unintelligible] can
change the world for McCain.
[unintelligible talking in the background]
Palin's staff member: I'm sorry, I have to let you go, thank you.
* * *
I can fly this plane just fine, darn it!
Why, hello there, folks! May I call you "folks"? I'll be your pilot today. What? Am I "qualified" to fly this jalopy? You betcha! Why? Because I'm a mom, that's why. No, I don't know what all these switches and handles and whatnot are. I don't CARE what they are, to tell ya the truth. The important thing is that I'm ready, I'm willing, and (wink) I'm eager as heck to get the job done! THAT'S what matters.
Doncha think? O-kay then. Here we go!
Whoops! Whew. That's a lotta noise. And just a teeny bit of fire back there. But what the heck, right? It's fuel, and energy happens to be my specialty.
What? Who's that fella yellin' over the radio? Air traffic control? Well, who the heck cares? No, honestly, really: Who cares? I sure as heck don't, and I don't think my passengers do either.
What's my heading? What's my heading? We're on the right track and we know where we want to go, that's for darn sure.
No, I'm not going to give you my "bearings," or whatever it is you call those little numbers. Look here, Buster, I might not answer those questions the way you or the other pilots might like. But you know what? I'm going to talk straight to my passengers here, without the filter of any darned air traffic controllers or FAA or whatever the heck you all are calling yourselves now.
I mean, how good can you all be at your jobs, anyhoo? There are just heck of a lot, I mean a HECK of a lot of plane crashes all the darn time. So real people like me and my passengers figure it's time for some fresh air in this whole flying business anyway.
What? What are you saying there in your fancy-dancy tower down there? We don't have towers like that on Main Street in Wasilla, buster, you can bet your life. Nope. Just a whole heck of a lot of common sense, which is all too rare in this world today, doncha think?
And don't you think that if I can handle a crying baby and ban a book and milk the federal government for all the pork my little town can hold then I can fly your darn little airplane, for crying out loud?
What? are you TALKING again? Saying that most crashes are due to pilot error? Like, because the pilot didn't KNOW stuff?
There you go again with your LOOKING BACK. We'd rather look FORWARD where I come from. But then, heck, I guess that's just the darned difference between you and us, isn't it? But you're a good talker, though. I'll give ya that.
Why aren't I changed my heading to zero-one-niner as instructed? Because I'm the mommy, that's why, Mr. Smarty-Pants. I think I've got enough sense to know when to turn a darn airplane.
What's that? Raise flaps? Raise FLAPS? Raise flaps or we'll CRASH? There you go again, raising the white flag of surrender just when we ....
..... [static] ...
Wait. Wait. Team, I think we found a couple survivors. They're in critical condition -- looks like they'll need surgery right here at the crash site. But a routine depressurizing of the skull should save this guy's life. Can we get the neurosurgeon over here stat? Here she is. Thank God. We got the expert here just in time.
Oh, heck. Ouch. That's gotta hurt, right? No, I didn't go to any fancy-dancy medical school but I'm a Mom so believe-you-me I've seen a booboo or two in my day and if somebody around here just has a sharp thimgamajig we'll have you fixed up in a jiffy. Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit!
(RJ Eskow)
* * *
Palin Offers Thankfulnesses
In order to celebrate Thanksgiving, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued what she called "my list of thankfulnesses":
The first thankfulness being that I'm thankful for this turkey, and also too for the metal funnel thingy that cut the turkey's head clean off while it was flapping its wings trying to get out and all. That was fun.
The next thankfulness being that I'm thankful that Levi is going to marry our Bristol, and I'm hoping also that we'll know soon what his location is.
Another thankfulness too being that I'm thankful for Sen. Ted Stevens, because compared to what he did and all it doesn't seem like a big deal if you tried to get some dumb old trooper fired.
My next thankfulness being I have thankfulness for our President-elect Barack Obama, and proudness, too, even though he probably is spending Thanksgiving palling around with Bill Ayres and Osama bin Laden and the Unabomber also.
A darned important thankfulness being I'm sure thankful that when the lawyers from the RNC came to take back all of that clothing they didn't check under Piper's bed. Good job, Piper!
And my last thankfulness, which I saved for last because it is the most important thankfulness, would be the turkey again also. I'm thankful that God created turkeys with so many tiny little bones in them and also too I hope Katie Couric chokes on one.
(Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.)
* * *
Interview With God: God Returns! America Saved!
Supports Bush 100 Percent
God has returned to America.
His interest in this nation and its people is the subject of much discussion here in this country mainly from those disgruntled Americans who, in the 2004 national elections, lost to God’s choice, President George W. Bush.
Anyway, the losers can’t figure out why God cares about this place.
After all, they say, Earth is located in the outer realm of the Milky Way galaxy—the Orion Arm to be exact---along with the 100 billion stars and billions of other objects that make up the Milky Way. The Milky Way is one of at least 125 billion other galaxies that are known at the present time. All of which is to wonder why God bothers with Americans and, more interestingly, how God covers the unfathomable distances between galaxies.
God consented to an interview on this matter and visited me at my home in Virginia.
As for travel, God said that it has to do with String Theory, multiple dimensions and changing space. On his enthusiasm for America, God claimed that the most faithful are the most malleable -- an American trait he likes--and it’s easier being God when there are a majority of unquestioning subjects. And besides, God said he likes the support he is getting in the USA these days and figures that the separation of church and state will finally end under President George W. Bush.
God is Fashionable, Can Bench Press a Galaxy
God is as white as fresh snow, wears a flowing sparkling gown, a well trimmed white beard, and holds a golden staff. In short, he looks like Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings series.
God is 12 feet tall and 1000 pounds of solid muscle. He can bench press a galaxy while at the same time willing the creation of millions of different species on planets all over the universe
And, of course, he is proficient in the use of all types of firearms. God points out that he has multiple personalities just as the universe has multiple dimensions and that he really is the One God.
For example, in America he is the Judeo Christian God and in other countries he could be Allah, Brahma or Buddha. God said that he is like a Swiss Army Knife -- multifunctional for all occasions. He said there are billions of species like us but that “the Americans have impressed me with their audacity to think I’m on their side.”
Why has God paid a visit to America?
Polls show that over 90 percent of Americans believe in God. In the early 1950’s they inscribed In God We Trust on all their currency to show the Communists of the day that they were not atheists. In times of national crisis such as 9/11 or the attempted removal of “under God” in the American Pledge of Allegiance, Americans will gather together in public to sing God Bless America or recite the Pledge with an ending emphasis on Under God. And God said he is most pleased that 70 percent of Americans believe that Darwin and Wallace’s Theory of Evolution is false.
Creationism “is the way to go” he said. He is thrilled that many US Senators and Congressmen are introducing legislation on God’s behalf and that President Bush authorized the filing of legal briefs in support of displaying the Ten Commandments in public institutions.
God Discovers Pentagon Plot, Endorses Cycle of Violence
God was not pleased with the two-earner trend in America. He said that women need to be home with the children because “you don’t want those strangers in day care guiding your children.”
God was visibly upset over the subject of abortion, gay marriage, and the sexification of America. He indicated that the country needed to be purified of these sins and that he had confidence in the good people running America would set things straight. He noted that there was some merit in women in the USA wearing burkas in public or at least veils.
God joked about Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s plot to drug him and extract information on the technology he uses to traverse the vast distances of the universe. “Rumsfeld and the Flag Officers over in the Pentagon thought they could develop me as a weapons system,” he said. “I just love that American attitude, by golly”.
But admire that attitude as he did, God said that Rumsfeld and his plotters had crossed the line and that, “at this moment they are no longer relevant.” Later I learned that Rumsfeld was giving one of his “stuff happens” briefings and it was being televised on national television. The videotape showed that Rumsfeld was in mid-sentence “freedom is…” and then, poof!, he was gone. Rumsfeld’s opponents called it a miracle but I was saddened because there was no better liar and ruthless Washington, DC operative than Rumsfeld. I admired his clarity of purpose. But, God had his reasons and who was I to argue with him.
The elimination of the plotters led God to say that there’s no problem with the endless cycle of violence. “It’s what makes God tick. The universe depends on it. It’s what makes life worth living. I like high stakes and life is the highest of them all.
Life and death games must be played whether on the streets of America or the slums of Iraq.” He said, for example, that he applauded the beheadings of foreigners in Iraq as well as the killing by the US military of anything that moved in Fallujah.
God said that President Bush should continue his Global War on Terror and the militarization of the world. But he pointed out that Americans shouldn’t flatter themselves too much.
“Today I’m with you and tomorrow I could be against you. I could take this planet and toss it into the sun. What do a billion lives mean to me when I can create a billion more to play with?”
God Finds Comedy in Government, Media
God indicated that Comedy Central television has nothing on the politicians, military commanders and business leaders that appear on “the serious” channels like CNN, Fox, NBC, CBS, ABC and their assorted affiliates. When you know they are lying is when it most hilarious, according to God. Besides, Americans like their lies and myths and there is nothing wrong with that, he pointed out, “After all they think I’m some peaceful divinity.”
“And so what if the military tried to make heroes out of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman. Of course the Pentagon was lying. But they know most Americans believe whatever the Pentagon’s storyline is. What do you expect from a people that put a floating eyeball and pyramid on the back of their currency [one dollar bill]?”
God pointed out that these are the days of unaccountability in America and that everyone should take advantage of “life in the big lie.” Truth is out and religion is in, according to God.
He said when he reads the major newspapers like the Washington Post and the New York Times; he ignores the comic section because the comedy is on the front page and editorial page. “But the most humorous moments for me came when President Bush was on TV telling Iran not to interfere in the Iraqi elections. I laughed till I cried. Imagine that. Bush knows his country has, over the decades, meddled in more elections [Georgia, Ukraine, most recent for example] than any other country. And then in another speech, Bush was telling his audience that they found Saddam in a hole in Iraq. No one pointed out that Bush was holed up in a bunker out West on 911.” God began laughing uncontrollably but pointed out that Bush was his man. “You have to lie to lead, “ God said, “and this group of leaders running your country, including Democrats, are the best I’ve seen in a dozen galaxies.”
God said that Americans will always believe in him. “You remember when I said the truth is out and religion is in. Look, violence, lying cheating, killing, hustling are just part of life. There’s no peace in this universe and that’s the truth. And no, there is no Satan. That’s simply a fairy tale. I’m the damn Creator, I ought to know. People try so hard to cover their violent natures and stench with words like freedom and democracy, and with fancy clothes and perfumes. They portray their enemies as vile but that is just looking in the mirror and not liking what they see. And you all want power. I’ll tell you, if you accept Me, it’s a lot easier to live in this violent world. I take responsibility for you. You are absolved.
Again, I point out to you that a life or a billion lives mean nothing to me. I have destroyed whole galaxies and a billion species at the snap of a finger. I let my own son be nailed to a cross not to save you but because he was preaching non-violent nonsense. I thought I’d leave him on Earth but he is my son—though not the only--and he is coming around to my way of thinking.”
God was getting impatient, but I had to ask about free will.
“Whether you accept me or not, you are created in my violent image. Look around you. All things are created and die in a never ending violent cycle. War, disease, genocide, crime, drugs, hate, love, laughter, sacrifice, honor-- these are all designed into the universe I made. Do you have any reason to believe you can change anything? Just be thankful I’ve taken a liking to you. ”
Whew! Good thing President Bush has an open line to God.
(John Stanton is a Global Research Contributing Editor. He is a Virginia based writer specializing in national security and political matters. He is the author of America 2004: A Power But Not Super and co-author of America’s Nightmare.)
* * *
Palin Hoping to be Named Ambassador to Africa
Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has reached out to President-elect Obama's transition team to indicate her interest in being named "ambassador to the nation of Africa," the governor confirmed today.
Gov. Palin said that although she had planned to continue in her position in Anchorage, she was willing to leave the governorship "because Africa is just such a darned important country."
"I have always been very, very interested in the nation of Africa, partly because of it being located where it is," she said. "If you are standing in Africa and you look real close, you can see South Africa."
She added that she had received phone calls encouraging her to vie for the post, including one from French president Nicholas Sarkozy.
In other news from the Palin family, Bristol Palin's fiancé Levi Johnston said he was "totally stoked" about Tuesday night's election returns, calling the results "definitely a game-changer for me."
"The election of Barack Obama means different things to different people," he said. "To me, it means freedom, dude!"
* * *
Silverware Pattern
Good morning. I hope you all enjoyed the holiday reception at the White House as much as Laura and I enjoyed it. We took an inventory of the silverware, and this year only a few pieces were missing. So like if you see Gregory, tell him to bring them back. [Laughter]
-- President Bush at today’s press conference (referring to NBC's David Gregory)
I love meeting with the Members. For those of you who have been to our office, thanks for coming. For those of you that have not been to our office yet, you're coming. Just don't take any silverware. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, February 2, 2001, two weeks after taking office; remarks at the Republican Congressional Retreat in Williamsburg, Virginia
It's good to see my old fellow owner, "the Boss." [Laughter] What a record you've had -- a man who demands excellence and oftentimes gets it. [Laughter] But thank you for coming, George. I know the real boss of the Yankees is here, too, Arthur Richman. [Laughter] How are you, Arthur? Good to see you. I told you one of these days we would get to the White House. Just don't take any silverware, Arthur. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, May 4, 2001, referring to Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and senior advisor Arthur Richman during remarks honoring 2000 World Series Champion New York Yankees
Thank you all for coming. I'll see you Thursday, coats and ties. [Laughter] This year, Gregory, don't take any silverware. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, December 15, 2003 press conference; referring to upcoming holiday party
I want to thank Bob Wallace, the executive director. He spends a lot of time in the Oval Office. I'm always checking the silverware drawer. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, August 22, 2007, referring to VFW executive director Robert E. Wallace during remarks at Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention in Kansas City, Missouri
As you know, this is the second time that we've had editorial cartoonists here during this term. Last May I had some of you over for lunch. We're still looking for the missing silverware. [Laughter]
-- President Ronald Reagan, May 7, 1987; remarks to Members of the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists
(Brian Williams)
* * *
Who runs Hollywood? C'mon.
I have never been so upset by a poll in my life. Only 22% of Americans now believe "the movie and television industries are pretty much run by Jews," down from nearly 50% in 1964. The Anti-Defamation League, which released the poll results last month, sees in these numbers a victory against stereotyping. Actually, it just shows how dumb America has gotten. Jews totally run Hollywood.
How deeply Jewish is Hollywood? When the studio chiefs took out a full-page ad in the Los Angeles Times a few weeks ago to demand that the Screen Actors Guild settle its contract, the open letter was signed by: News Corp. President Peter Chernin (Jewish), Paramount Pictures Chairman Brad Grey (Jewish), Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Robert Iger (Jewish), Sony Pictures Chairman Michael Lynton (surprise, Dutch Jew), Warner Bros. Chairman Barry Meyer (Jewish), CBS Corp. Chief Executive Leslie Moonves (so Jewish his great uncle was the first prime minister of Israel), MGM Chairman Harry Sloan (Jewish) and NBC Universal Chief Executive Jeff Zucker (mega-Jewish). If either of the Weinstein brothers had signed, this group would have not only the power to shut down all film production but to form a minyan with enough Fiji water on hand to fill a mikvah.
The person they were yelling at in that ad was SAG President Alan Rosenberg (take a guess). The scathing rebuttal to the ad was written by entertainment super-agent Ari Emanuel (Jew with Israeli parents) on the Huffington Post, which is owned by Arianna Huffington (not Jewish and has never worked in Hollywood.)
The Jews are so dominant, I had to scour the trades to come up with six Gentiles in high positions at entertainment companies. When I called them to talk about their incredible advancement, five of them refused to talk to me, apparently out of fear of insulting Jews. The sixth, AMC President Charlie Collier, turned out to be Jewish.
As a proud Jew, I want America to know about our accomplishment. Yes, we control Hollywood. Without us, you'd be flipping between "The 700 Club" and "Davey and Goliath" on TV all day.
So I've taken it upon myself to re-convince America that Jews run Hollywood by launching a public relations campaign, because that's what we do best. I'm weighing several slogans, including: "Hollywood: More Jewish than ever!"; "Hollywood: From the people who brought you the Bible"; and "Hollywood: If you enjoy TV and movies, then you probably like Jews after all."
I called ADL Chairman Abe Foxman, who was in Santiago, Chile, where, he told me to my dismay, he was not hunting Nazis. He dismissed my whole proposition, saying that the number of people who think Jews run Hollywood is still too high. The ADL poll, he pointed out, showed that 59% of Americans think Hollywood execs "do not share the religious and moral values of most Americans," and 43% think the entertainment industry is waging an organized campaign to "weaken the influence of religious values in this country."
That's
a sinister canard, Foxman said. "It means they think Jews meet at Canter's Deli
on Friday mornings to decide what's best for the Jews." Foxman's argument made
me rethink: I have to eat at Canter's more often.
"That's a very dangerous phrase, 'Jews control Hollywood.' What is true is that there are a lot of Jews in Hollywood," he said. Instead of "control," Foxman would prefer people say that many executives in the industry "happen to be Jewish," as in "all eight major film studios are run by men who happen to be Jewish."
But Foxman said he is proud of the accomplishments of American Jews. "I think Jews are disproportionately represented in the creative industry. They're disproportionate as lawyers and probably medicine here as well," he said. He argues that this does not mean that Jews make pro-Jewish movies any more than they do pro-Jewish surgery. Though other countries, I've noticed, aren't so big on circumcision.
I appreciate Foxman's concerns. And maybe my life spent in a New Jersey-New York/Bay Area-L.A. pro-Semitic cocoon has left me naive. But I don't care if Americans think we're running the news media, Hollywood, Wall Street or the government. I just care that we get to keep running them.
(Joel Stein. LA Times. 2008)
* * *
Anyone hear of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism as another Intelligent Design theory to be taught in schools? It started in response to the Kansas school board elected to teach ID along side evolution. Here’s a snippet of the letter sent to the KS school board that started this movement:
“I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Sincerely Yours,
Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.
* * *
Mitticisms: "Martin Luther King
Earlier this month, in a speech defending the racist, uhm, quirks of his proud but secret religion, Mitt Romney declared:
"I saw my father march with Martin Luther King."
So, well, that's that. Except, according to a report in the Boston Phoenix, it turns out that depends on what your definition of "saw" is. And "march." And "with." And "Martin Luther King."
Because it never happened.
"A spokesperson for Mitt Romney now tells the Phoenix that George W. Romney and Martin Luther King Jr. marched together in June, 1963 -- although possibly not on the same day or in the same city." ... Romney spokesperson Eric Fehrnstrom suggests that these two were part of the same "series" of events, co-sponsored by King and the NAACP, and is thus consistent with Romney's claim that 'I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.'"
Mitt, Fehrnstrom explains, was speaking "figuratively."
Although they never marched together, they did march separately. In that they were both in Michigan and ambulatory at the same time. And, by "the same time," I mean "different times."
Except, if you read the Phoenix story, George Romney didn't actually "march" anywhere. But he was present at an event. Where King was not. And Mitt never "saw" it, because he was doing missionary work in France.
WHAT MITT MEANT:
We can all agree that George Romney and Martin Luther King were both alive in June, 1963.
UPDATE:
The Romney campaign is still looking for an event where George Romney might have marched with Martin Luther King. Romney seems to have been at King's funeral, but that doesn't count, since Baptists don't believe the dead walk and we don't know what Mormons believe. Mitt would tell you, but then he'd have to kill you, and rebaptize you against your will.
Another helpful lead from Team Mitt? The event where Mitt Romney might have seen his father marching with Dr. King and/or kissing Santa Claus occurred somewhere between 1963 and 1968.
So Mitt might not have been ministering to the French; he might have been in high school, to see it, if it happened or not, which is anybody's guess.
And a clarification from the candidate himself:
"When we say, 'I saw the Patriots win the World Series, it doesn't necessarily mean you were there -- excuse me, the Super Bowl. I saw my dad become president of American Motors. Did that mean you were there for the ceremony? No, it's a figure of speech."
It's basic etymology. When a man says: "I saw," you should know it's just an expression. For "I didn't see."
Except the American Motors comparison doesn't really work. Presumably there are pay stubs from that. Because presumably it really happened. A more precise analogy would be: "I saw my dad invent the internal combustion engine."
With Medgar Evers.
Your family might believe it. But it doesn't make it even figuratively true.
(Chris Kelly)
* * *
Their God is Bigger than our God
Gosh, we haven't heard much from God lately, have we? I'm wondering why that is. His mouthpieces in America -- who always seem so sure of themselves, so sure that they alone hear God speaking, and so willing to share His wisdom with the rest of us -- have gone strangely quiet of late.
Remember when 9/11 happened and Jerry Falwell put it all into perspective for us? There we were thinking it had something to do with Islamic fundamentalism or US imperialism or something, but Falwell set us all straight, saying to Pat Robertson, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" Mr. Falwell went on to thunder that it is these elements "which have attempted to secularize America, have removed our nation from its relationship with Christ on which it was founded. I therefore believe that that created an environment which possibly has caused God to lift the veil of protection which has allowed no one to attack America on our soil since 1812."
Okay, glad we got that straightened out. But it's breathtaking, isn't it, to think of People For the American Way being behind 9/11? So it was Norman Lear all along, not Osama! This kinda stuff goes on all the time, of course, and George W. Bush as well as legions of his followers believe that he was anointed by God to rule America and the world. To the extent they even think about it, they are startled to learn that others, particularly in the Mid-East, have somehow missed the joy and glory of their grand vision. One of my personal favorites in this all too rich vein is the Middle East peace prescription offered by Billy's son, Franklin Graham, suggesting that Muslims and Jews should simply try "surrendering their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ and having their hearts changed by the Holy Spirit." It all seems so simple when you think of it that way. Hey, why can't we get talent like that in the State Department?
Like I said, this stuff goes on all the time. Franklin once inadvertently sent me a fundraising letter which began with the line "Our God is indeed an awesome God!" I know it was meant as a joyous declaration of fact, but why did it seem like he was trying harder to convince himself than he was me? Franklin, whose daddy shared anti-Semitic laments with presidents in between offering them political cover and providing personal relief to their consciences, heavily laden as they were with dirty tricks and war crimes, also gave us the geo-strategically helpful line in which he described Islam a "very evil and wicked religion". How many GIs will have to die just for that little bit of anti-diplomacy alone?
Still, without a doubt the finest single exemplar of such thought comes to us courtesy of Lieutenant General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, whom the Bush administration made deputy undersecretary of Defense for intelligence in 2003, and gave responsibility for tracking down the likes of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
The Bush family is, of course, famous for its loyalty demands, but General Boykin made John "kiss-up, kick-down" Bolton look as irreverent as a fart in church by comparison when he said of W, "He's in the White House because God put him there". Which is so weird, anyhow, because God kept telling me throughout the 2000 campaign that He was a Nader man, through and through. Boy, was I wrong. No wonder these guys are so sure of their direct pipeline to the Almighty. Nevertheless, that was hardly the General's most controversial statement. This is the guy whose astonishing remarks managed to recruit a whole new generation of terrorists with just two lines. "I knew my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." Boykin said in a speech discussing his battle against a Muslim warlord in Somalia.
Not even George W. Bush manages to say things this dumb. He just hires people like Boykin to do that. (. . .)
(David Michael Green)
* * *
STEPHEN COLBERT:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh, what have I said? I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. (…)
[Re-Improved Colbert transcript by Frederick blogger (Daily Kosh)]
* * *
CD 1:
1. "Rise of the Vulcans; The Neocon Two-step" (Cheney/Rumsfeld/Perle/Wolfowitz
and the Neocon chorus)
2. "Bring it On! Bring it On!", (Bush/Neocon chorus)
3. "Who would Jesus Bomb?" (Bush/Dobson/Falwell/Haggard)
4. "Saddam, You Tried to Kill My Daddy; Just a Tiny Drop of Oil" (duet)(Bush/Cheney)
5."Gonna Have My Yellowcake and Eat it Too" (Cheney)
6. "Sixteen Little Words" (Powell/Rice)
7. "Liberators and Flowers" (Rumsfeld)
8. "The Patriot Act; Seize the Day", (Cheney/Rove)
9. "Watch What You Say" (Fleischer/ The Press Corps chorus)
10. "Are You With Us or A Traitor?" (Rove)
11."Lean but Mean" (Rumsfeld)
12. "But, But, But" (The Democrats' chorus)
13. "Never Criticize Your President" (Lieberman)
CD 2:
1. "With A Guy Like You" (Bush/Cheney/Rove/Chalabi)
2. "Last Throes" (Cheney)
3. "The Boogeyman's Gonna Get Ya!" (Cheney)
4. "Got All Those Ducks in a Row" (Rove, Diebold chorus)
5. "But, But, But" (reprise); Abu Ghraib" (The Democrats' chorus, the Press
Corps chorus)
6. "Stay the Course!" (Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld)
7. "I'm the Decider" (Bush)
8. "Stand Up, Stand Down" (Bush, The Generals' chorus)
9. "About to Turn That Corner" (Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld/Rice/Rove/Lieberman and the
Neocon chorus)
10. "Vote, Vote, Vote" (Cheney/Rove/Bush/the Democrats' chorus)
11. "I have Bad News" (Rove)
13. "Forget About It" (Kissinger)
12. "Poppy" (G.H.W. Bush/James Baker/Brent Scowcroft)
13. medley: "Stay the Course" (reprise); "Last Throes" (reprise);"But, But, But"
(reprise)"Forget About it" (reprise) (The Neocon chorus, The Press Chorus, The
Generals' chorus)
14. Finale: "Does Anybody Know What To Do?" (ensemble)
(posted by:pinko)
* * *
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly
Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the
lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you
really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some
chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of
relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he
says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go
ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great
artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How
can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
* * *
George Bush and the Queen
While visiting
England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her
leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with
intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to
demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says,
"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior
Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but
nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
* * *
W.M.D. in Iran?
TIM RUSSERT: Mr. Vice President, welcome to “Meet the Press.”
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Good morning, Tim.
RUSSERT: How close are we to war with Iran?
CHENEY: Well, I think we are in the final stages of diplomacy, obviously. We have done virtually everything we can with respect to carrots, if you will. It’s time for squash. Not to mention mushrooms, clouds of them.
RUSSERT: But you squashed Iraq and that didn’t work out so well.
CHENEY: Iraq will be fine, Tim. It just needs a firmer hand. We learned that lesson. We’re not going to get hung up on democracy this time. (Expletive) purple thumbs.
RUSSERT: Isn’t Secretary Rice still pushing carrots for Iran?
CHENEY: The more carrots Condi feeds ’em, the better they’ll be able to see the bombs coming.
RUSSERT: First you threatened to take action if Iran built a nuclear weapon. Now you’re threatening to take action if Iran knows how to build a nuclear weapon. What’s next? You threaten to take action if Ahmadinejad dresses up as a nuclear weapon for Halloween?
CHENEY: Well, the difficulty here is, each time he has rejected what he was called upon to do by the international community. I’m not sure now, no matter what he says, that anyone would believe him. He’s pretending he doesn’t have W.M.D., just like Saddam.
RUSSERT: But Saddam didn’t have W.M.D.
CHENEY: He did, Tim.
RUSSERT: He did?
CHENEY: Ever wonder what happened to them?
RUSSERT: What happened to them?
CHENEY: Think about it, Tim.
RUSSERT: The New York Times reported yesterday that the suspected nuclear reactor in Syria bombed by Israeli jets was well under construction in 2003, the same year we went to war with Syria’s neighbor Iraq. Did we go after the wrong country?
CHENEY: Syria is not a country, Tim. It’s a way station run by an eye doctor.
RUSSERT: Conservatives are tossing around some lock-and-load language. The president is talking about Iran sparking a “nuclear holocaust” and World War III. Giuliani adviser Norman Podhoretz thinks we’re in World War IV. Shouldn’t you at least give the new sanctions against Iran a chance to work?
CHENEY: Oh, we have, Tim. The sanctions were announced Thursday. It’s now Sunday. I think things have gotten so bad inside Iran, from the standpoint of the Iranian people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.
RUSSERT: But what if your analysis is not correct — again? Let’s put up on the screen part of an interview The New York Times’s Thom Shanker did with the new chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen: “With America at war in two Muslim countries, he said, attacking a third Islamic nation in the region ‘has extraordinary challenges and risks associated with it.’ The military option, he said, should be a last resort.” Your own chairman of the Joint Chiefs does not think the military can handle a third war.
CHENEY: If Admiral Mullen wants to be Admiral Sullen, that’s his business. I’m not going to be a defeatist or question the courage of our fighting men.
RUSSERT: Critics say that if you attack Iran, there will be riots in every Muslim capital, the Iranians will flood Iraq with more explosives and money for the Shiite militias. They say you’ll only end up making more enemies for America, and our troops.
CHENEY: Why don’t we just give the Islamofascists Sudetenland, Tim? Peace in our time.
RUSSERT: The Europeans are upset that you might start another war in their backyard.
CHENEY: (Rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath) Eurappeasers.
RUSSERT: An Iranian spokesman dismissed the new U.S. sanctions as “worthless and ineffective” and said they were “doomed to fail as before.” And Gen. Mohammad Ali Jafari, the head of Iran’s elite Revolutionary Guards — a group you have accused of proliferating weapons of mass destruction — also warned that his forces would respond with an “even more decisive” strike if attacked.
CHENEY: Don’t worry about General Ali Baba, Tim. We gave the Israelis his home address.
RUSSERT: How will you even know where to bomb, given that all the experts say the Iranians have hidden their real nuclear facilities underground?
CHENEY: Can you say magic carpet bombing, Tim? We didn’t build those bunker busters just to stack ’em up in a warehouse in North Dakota.
RUSSERT: It’s so close to the next election, Mr. Vice President, shouldn’t you just keep on the diplomatic track and let the next president make this decision?
CHENEY: You really want Rudy Giuliani playing with the nuclear button, Tim? Now, that’s insane.
(Maureen Dowd. NYT)
* * *
Mitt Romney’s Jesus is Just as Good as the Leading Brand
A lot of people think Mitt Romney chose to give his religion speech this week because he's afraid of the Rev. Mike Huckabee. (A man whose main qualifications for the Oval Office are a personal relationship with Jesus and the ability to lose weight.) Mike is breathing down Mitt's neck in Iowa, which can't be pleasant, because bulimics have terrible breath.
I think there's a simpler explanation and, touchingly, it has to do with faith. Mitt Romney made his religion speech during Hanukkah because he's the only candidate oily enough to burn for eight days.
If you missed the speech, it can be summed up pretty simply: He proclaimed the right of every American to freely and openly practice any religion, including his own, about which he won't divulge a single detail, even if you killed his children right in front of him, one after another.
And he doesn't care which of you atheist bastards and Islamic jihadists know it.
Now just give me your vote, and stop bothering me with all these questions. I've spent a lot of money. --
It got a little slippery there for a second, what with name-checking Kennedy and Lincoln - who you'd think would have less to say about religion and more about gun control - but it came down to this:
1- Mitt loves religious freedom.
2- You love religious freedom.
3- Religious freedom is being threatened by atheists and people who ask Mitt a lot of fool questions about his relatives in the Star System Kolob.
4- If Mitt answers these questions, the ACLU will come to your town and kick over your crèche.
5- As long as we all love Jesus (or something more or less Jesus-ish) we can agree to disagree about the details.
6- If we disagree about the details, Jihadists will come and unstrenghen your family.
7- Wasn't it cool when George Bush Sr. crashed his plane and got picked up by that submarine?
8- I swear this was Mitt's opener.
9- Hey, George Bush is patriarchal and fell from the sky. Why don't we worship him?
Okay, to you and me it's all just the same old runny dogshit. You weren't going to vote for him anyway. Because you're reading a website, and computers work because of science. But did Romney make the sale to the evangelical values voters, the ones who pray people like us get struck down by a just and loving God, and it's painful and slow, and the sooner the better?
I don't think so.
Here's the difficult passage, the one Mitt raced through like the side effects of Nasonex:
There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance. Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree.
In other words: I'm glad you asked that question. I'm not going to answer it. As a tribute to this great land of ours.
Because here's the thing that Mitt Romney can't say: The Mormon Jesus has about as much in common with Jesus of Nazareth as the Los Angeles Kings have with King Tut. They have the same name, kind of, and that's it.
The Gospel Jesus lived in Galilee. The Mormon Jesus lived in Albany. (Where he fought the Indians. Because he wasn't just the Lamb of God, he was also the Last of the Mohicans.) Mormon Jesus? Three wives, a planetful of kids. Gospel Jesus? Living alone and loving it.
It doesn't even have the theological weight to be heresy; it's a simple case of mistaken identity.
And I know that sounds like I'm being flip, but that's only because I don't care. But if it matters to you, it really, really matters.
Mitt Romney wants Christians to think that Mormonism is just another "brand." (He called it a brand earlier this week, in Manchester. Which is how most really devoted people talk about their faith.) But most Christians are pretty brand loyal. It's kind of important to them. They didn't just choose their church for the parking. They like to think they've put some thought into it.
Evelyn Waugh thought that the difference between the real church (Roman Catholicism) and some fake-o crap (Anglicanism) was so obvious that if you couldn't figure it out, it was your problem. He said that trying to explain it was like trying to teach an Australian about architecture.
Mitt Romney doesn't want to explain anything. He just wants to blur the distinctions, change the subject, and make the sale.
Mitt Romney isn't proud of his faith. If he were, he wouldn't react to questions about it like he'd just been asked to describe his parents having sex.
He could put this whole thing to rest by answering one question about his Jesus, just so we know we've got the right guy: Was he Satan's brother? If the answer is "yes" -- and the Book of Mormon says it is -- Mitt and Pat Robertson are talking about two totally different Middle Eastern drifters.
See where profiling will get you?
(Chris Kelly)
* * *
YOU KNOW YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO BE VICE-PRESIDENT
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you name your favorite gun "Trig".
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the Bush Doctrine works out of the local nail shop and specializes in hot-waxing.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when a "voice in your head" tells you to ban most of the pages from the library's atlas.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you deep fry your polar bear in crude oil that you drilled yourself.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your underage teen daughters get their sex education from the instructions on the back of a bible.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only charitable organization you contribute to is the NRA.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your schedule revolves around five daily rapture breaks.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only war you have any knowledge of is with a guy who won't fire your ex-in-laws.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you compare yourself to animals.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when Republicans believe you can lie with the best of them.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when "token" is something you believe gets you on a bus.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your dentist tells you he's going to have to "drill" and you pee your pants a little with excitement.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your doctor prescribes "pork" as a cure-all for that constant feeling of hunger.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you need air-conditioners in every room but you think it's because someone keeps closing the refrigerator door.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only real requirement from your boss, is that you know how to change diapers... errr, Depends.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you use a helicopter to hunt down the father of your daughter's illegitimate child.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the petrified mastodon tusk on your desk was created with the rest of the world 4,000 years ago.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you want to kill almost everything in sight, but you refer to yourself as "pro life".
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when every day is high-school reunion day.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you can't satisfactorily answer prepackaged questions posed by one of the lamest MSM mouthpieces available.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you are openly reviled by women whose standard mantra was "give me a woman - any woman".
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when so-called "Democrats" believe you are so special that nobody should mock and laugh at you... and deride your complete clown performance.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your so-called "boss" has the life expectancy of a fruit fly.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your recent flight over Canada qualifies as your International Experience.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your recipe for deep-fried polar bear heart is your most endearing contribution to American culture.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the strings that have been tied to your arms and legs are a new fashion accessory.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you charge taxpayers extra every night you sleep in your own bed.
You know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you can smile and sneer at the same time.
(posted September 15th, 2008 3:40 pm)
* * *
McCain's Playbook: Hate, Fear and Caveman Politics
Even the briefest of surveys of the supporters gracing McCain's events underscores the kind of red-meat appeal he's making. Immediately after his speech in New Orleans, a pair of sweet-looking old ladies put down their McCain signs long enough to fill me in on why they're here. "I tell you," says one, "if Michelle Obama really doesn't like it here in America, I'd be very pleased to raise the money to send her back to Africa."
The diminutive and smiling old lady's friend leans over. "That's going a little too far, dear."
"Too far?" says the first. "Farrakhan is saying they were brought here against their will, and their bodies are still feeding the sharks at the bottom of the sea! I mean, really!"
"OK, sharks still eating bodies," I say, writing it all down. "Could I have your name, ma'am?"
"Janice Berg," says the first old lady. "And lest you think I'm Jewish, the name comes from Norway. Berg is 'mountain' in Norwegian. I'm part German, part French myself."
(…)
Cindy Oestriecher, a McCain supporter who turned out for his speech in New Orleans, is stumped when I ask her for an example of Obama's lack of patriotism. "What was that thing about anti-American?" she asks a friend. "What were they referring to?"
"What thing?" asks the friend.
"People were talking about that thing, that anti-American thing," Cindy says, frowning.
"You mean about the flag, the thing on the Internet?" the friend replies.
"Yeah, I guess," says Cindy. "The anti-American thing." "That bothers you?" I ask.
"Of course it does!"
"But you don't even know what it is," I say. "You just know that someone else said he was anti-American. You don't even know who it was that said it!"
She shrugs.
(…)
A few paces away, I catch up with a man named Ron Saucier and a woman who would only identify herself as Mary. Ron says his problem with Obama is the integrity thing. "He exaggerates too much," Ron says. "He's not honest."
"OK," I say. "What does he exaggerate about?"
"Well, like that time he was saying he had a white mother and a white grandmother," he says.
I ask him how this is an exaggeration.
"Well, he was saying ..." he begins. "As if that qualifies him to ..."
Despite my repeated prodding, Ron seems unable or unwilling to say aloud exactly what he means. Finally, his friend Mary, a grave-looking blonde with fierce anger lines around her eyes, jumps in, points a finger and blurts out one of the all-time man-on-the-street quotes.
"Look, you either are or you aren't," she says.
"And he aren't," Ron says, nodding with relief.
(Matt Taíbbi. Rolling Stone Magazine)
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