think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and
cross it deliberately.”
Agency Busy Spying on Three Hundred Million People Failed to Notice One
Dude Working for It
A U.S. intelligence agency was so busy spying on three hundred million Americans
that it failed to notice one dude who was working for it, a spokesman for the
agency acknowledged today.
“I guess we were so busy monitoring the everyday communications of every man,
woman, and child in the nation that we didn’t notice that a contractor working
for us was downloading tons of classified documents,” the agency spokesman said.
“It’s definitely embarrassing, for sure.”
Despite having an annual budget in the neighborhood of ten billion dollars, the
agency had no idea that a dude who was working for it five days a week was
getting ready to send those classified documents to a journalist who would then
tell everybody in the world.
“Maybe if we hadn’t been so busy keeping our eye on those other three hundred
million people, we would have noticed that this one guy who was working right
under our noses was up to something totally fishy,” the spokesman said. “But you
know what they say about hindsight.”
As for where that guy who leaked the documents was planning to go next, the
spokesman admitted, “We don’t have a clue.”
“I know what you’re thinking—an intelligence agency probably should know that
Hong Kong has an international airport and that its departures board lists
flights to Moscow and whatnot,” the spokesman said. “I don’t know what to say.
Maybe we need a bigger budget or something.”
Posted by Andy Borowitz. June 24, 2013
* * *
The Etiquette of War and Surveillance
Letters to Colonel
Note: In the sequester and government-shutdown era, the classic military
newspaper Stars and Stripes is facing some of the problems of its
civilian brethren and so downsizing its print edition.
Among the features to go: Dear Abby. As it happens, TomDispatch is ready to step
into the breach. We’ve called on an old and knowledgeable friend, Colonel
Manners (ret.), whose experience in military and surveillance matters is evident
from his impressive CV (unfortunately, a classified document). His assignment:
to answer letters from Americans puzzled by the etiquette, manners, and language
of the arcane national security world of Washington. Here is a first sampling
from a column that, in syndication, could go global.]
Dear Col. Manners,
I’m an embattled
newspaper editor. Recently, I read a
New Yorker piece
by Ken Auletta that included this disturbing passage about the New York Times:
"In early August, the Times was working on a story about an intercepted
terror threat when James R. Clapper, the administration’s director of
intelligence, asked the paper’s Washington bureau to withhold certain details.
Clapper warned that, if the full version were made public, the Times
'would have blood on our hands.'" The Times withheld those details.
However, with so many classified documents
pouring out of Washington and the
possibility that some might come into the possession of my paper, I worry about
finding blood on my hands, too. On a personal note, I’m extremely
squeamish. In college, I had to leave my biology class when the professor
showed a film on Harvey’s discovery of the circulatory system. While
watching Grey’s Anatomy, I have to close my eyes whenever surgery comes
on screen. I grow faint if I get a paper cut. Any suggestions?
Stressed and Bloody Anxious in Chicago
Dear Stressed and
I see your problem.
Fortunately, I can assure you that it’s all in your head. To understand
why, you need to grasp a distinction that’s clear in Washington, but might be
less so in Chicago. When a government official suggests that an outsider
might have “blood” on his or her hands -- as happened repeatedly, for instance,
Bradley Manning imbroglio -- they are
talking about prospective blood, future blood. Negative reactions to
blood, according to scientific studies, are due, in part, to its alarming red
color. Future blood, being metaphorical, is not red. If it gets on
your hands, you will not actually “see” it.
In Washington, this is
similarly true of past blood. Take National Intelligence Director Clapper.
From 2001-2006, he was the director of the National Geospatial-Intelligence
Agency, then undersecretary of defense for intelligence, before being nominated
in the Obama years to head the office of national intelligence. In other
words, he has served in Washington throughout the Iraq and Afghan Wars, as well
as the Global War on Terror. Like many Washington officials, military and
civilian, who supported the American global mission in those years, he might be
said to have some responsibility for any number of deaths and so to have “blood
on his hands.” Think of the
almost 4,500 Americans who died in Iraq or
the nearly 2,300 who have, thus far, died in
Afghanistan, or the tens of thousands of
Afghans who died in those years.
Now, here’s the point:
Washington is not disturbed by such blood. The reason is simple. It,
too, can’t be seen. I’ve met Clapper and I can assure you that, when he
shakes your hand, there is not the slightest trace of a reddish tint anywhere on
it. (He’s got an impressively firm grip, by the way!) This, I hope,
will lighten your unnecessarily grim mood. Like so many other stalwarts in
our national security universe, Clapper is a model. He is unfazed, and his
“blood” is far more real than the highly speculative and metaphorical blood that
might someday be on your hands for a killing related to the release of a
classified document. Note that, despite the appearance of startling
numbers of such documents in recent years, there is no record of prospective
blood actually being spilled.
Yours truly, Col.
Dear Col. Manners,
As the owner of a
furniture store in Kalamazoo, Michigan, I’ve been worried about our competitors,
especially IKEA, getting a step on us. So here’s what I want to know:
recently, speaking of Iran, President Obama
said that he was keeping “all options on the
table,” adding that “we will do anything to make sure Iran doesn’t get a nuclear
weapon.” I’ve noticed that this phrase has, since 9/11,
more popular in
Washington. I was wondering about that
table everyone is talking about. Given that it seems to be reserved for
major weapons systems of various sorts and nothing else (at least nothing else
is ever mentioned), who manufactures such a table? Can I order it
somewhere? Does it really exist or is it just an image meant to stand in
for a future military assault on Iran (or wherever)? Would it be too big
to fit in my store? I’m most appreciative for any information you could
give me on the subject.
Tabled in Kalamazoo
Dear Tabled in
That table is quite
real. I saw one once. I obviously can’t say where, though it held a
set of bunker-busting missiles. I should add that it is not a table in the
normal sense -- i.e., one of those four-legged, flat-topped structures we tend
to place in our dining rooms or kitchens. Again, I can say no more.
Rest assured, however, that when the president says “all options are on the
table,” he means it. And you are quite accurate in pointing out that on
such tables “all” the options are indeed military. Though always referred
to in the singular, in reality, there are a number of such tables for each
country mentioned; the Syrian ones, for example, hold Tomahawk missiles and B-2
bombers; the Iranian ones, those bunker-busters, among other major weapons
I don't know if you
noticed, but on the night before the recent government shutdown, the Pentagon
went on a buying spree, dumping
$5 billion into the accounts of major
weapons makers (and others). According to someone I trust in Washington,
the intelligence community similarly dipped into its black budget accounts and
bought a number of things, including at least three back-up “option tables” at a
cost of millions of dollars. (Again, I can’t tell you exactly how much.)
Unfortunately, you cannot purchase such products for your store. The good
news is that neither can IKEA.
Dear Col. Manners,
I have to ask for your
discretion, for reasons that will quickly become apparent. There are
12 documented cases in which a National
Security Agency employee used NSA surveillance programs to hack into a
partner’s, lover’s, or romantic interest’s email or listen in on his or her
phone calls. And this is generally considered just “the tip of the
iceberg.” I am a civilian employee of the NSA. Consider me the
unlucky thirteenth case. I know that such acts are sardonically known as
LoveINT, but in my case that wasn’t it.
As I’ve told my former partner, I just wanted to know if she and a friend of
ours were planning a surprise birthday party for me. (I’m one of those
people who doesn’t like to be caught off-guard.)
The Agency took no
action against me, but my partner has never forgiven me. (She’s now living
with our former mutual friend.) She still insists that I should apologize.
I consider this irrational. I say that no harm was done. I’ve
pointed out to her that the NSA
hacked into the emails and phone calls of
Dilma Rousseff, the Brazilian president, and the president of the United States
has refused to apologize. His only response was to launch a
many months-long “broad review” of NSA
practices. (Believe me, there’s nothing to investigate. We did it.)
As far as I can see, there’s an equivalency in the two cases: like my partner,
Rousseff responded in an overly emotional way,
calling off a long planned trip to
Washington and later
denouncing the U.S. at the United Nations.
Here’s my question: if the president doesn’t have to apologize, why should I?
Who’s in the right here? Please settle this dispute for me.
Dear Unlucky 13,
I’m afraid that the
rules of etiquette are different in the two cases you cite. While I regret
to tell you this, you are in the wrong and should apologize. In our
personal lives, it is important to say we’re sorry to those we treat badly, and
hacking into your partner’s email is, by definition, bad manners.
Similarly, on a global
scale, if, say, the Argentinean government had hacked into President Rousseff’s
email, an apology would indeed be in order. It’s clearly not a good
neighborly thing to do. But I hardly need to add the obvious: the United
States is not a normal nation. It’s the planet's sole superpower. It
goes by a different rulebook, which it writes itself, and that is as it should
be. So if we Americans have been playing by house rules in the case of the
NSA and Rousseff, then what is there to apologize for?
It’s common knowledge
that an American president does not apologize for the acts of his hackers or his
soldiers or his spies or his officials or his drones. In addition, it’s obvious
that such an apology would be impractical and set this country on the road to
hell. After all, once a president stopped playing by the superpower
rulebook and started apologizing, just consider the Pandora’s box he would open
(without a hint of hope at the bottom). If we were a normal nation, there
would be a vast list of things he would have to apologize for, including, just
in the last decade,
assassination, and so on and so forth.
So, Unlucky 13, swallow
your bad luck and say you’re sorry, but don’t ask the president to do the same.
Col. Manners (ret.)
Dear Col. Manners,
I’m a housewife in Tulsa and I had a question for you about the president’s plan
for a Syrian intervention. I know that, in the end, it didn’t happen, and
I hope you won’t think it’s frivolous of me to bring it up a month later, but I
simply couldn’t get it out of my mind. Here’s what I’ve been wondering
about: Why is it called “humanitarian intervention” when the president’s (and
plan, as best I understood it, was to loose
Tomahawk missiles and bombers on Damascus? I don’t see anything “human” or
"humanitarian" in that. And here’s another related question: why are such
strikes always referred to as “surgical” and “precise” when, as far as I can
tell, they invariably
Dear Oklahoma Gal,
Nothing frivolous about
your thinking! Let me start with that “surgically precise.” The
answer is: American weapons makers are the best in the world and so all of our
latest weapons are indeed surgical and precise in their impact. Keep in
mind, however, that, as studies
have shown, “surgically precise” is a term
with significant latitude. Consider, for instance, that, according to a
report published in the Archives of Surgery, in a six-and-a-half-year
period, Colorado doctors operated on the wrong patient at least 25 times, and
another 107 times on the wrong body part. So, surgically precise -- yes,
As for that term
“humanitarian intervention,” as you probably know, the Supreme Court long ago
turned the corporation into a “person” for
matters of law. The Pentagon has functionally done the same thing for
weapons like the Tomahawk missile for matters of war. That transformation
may not have the force of law, but it does have force, so to speak.
Because the Tomahawk is an American missile (produced by the
Raytheon corporation, a genuine American
outfit), and because, by definition, what we Americans do always comes from the
best of intentions and an essential goodness of heart, because, that is, we are
exceptional, as one of a kind, in war as in
peace, a missile attack on Syria (or elsewhere) would, by definition, be both
“human” and “humanitarian” -- and to complete the phrase in question, no one
could deny that, had it happened, it would also have been an “intervention.”
After all, Washington’s record on interventions speaks for itself. No
country in memory has been as prolific an interventionist as the U.S.A. -- and
it’s a record, like all records, worth taking some pride in.
Col. Manners (ret.)
Tom Engelhardt )
* * *
“Compared to Dick Cheney… George W. Bush is a Saint.”
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside
Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.
His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, ‘We’ve been getting a lot
of bad publicity because of the president’s position on stem cell research, the
Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We’ll make a
$100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the
President is a Saint.’
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, ‘The Church is
desperate for funding ~ I’ll do it.’
Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:
“I’d like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a
cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can’t put a compound sentence
bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam war and went AWOL to avoid a
drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.
is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-Americans into
this country on his shipping line.
took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the
lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money,
causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most
hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly. He appointed
fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread
death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina. He
awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we
now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor
than we’ve had since the Depression.
has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.
The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion
Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred per barrel, leading to transportation costs
which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time
jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.
Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he’s afraid
to lose votes from religious kooks.
is the worst example of a true Christian I’ve ever known, but compared to Dick
Cheney…George W. Bush is a Saint.”
June 22, 2008
* * *
U.S. Seemingly Unaware of Irony in Accusing Snowden of Spying
The United States government charged former intelligence analyst Edward Snowden
with spying on Friday, apparently unaware that in doing so it had created a
situation dripping with irony.
a press conference to discuss the accusations, an N.S.A. spokesman surprised
observers by announcing the spying charges against Mr. Snowden with a totally
“These charges send a clear message,” the spokesman said. “In the United States,
you can’t spy on people.”
Seemingly not kidding, the spokesman went on to discuss another charge against
Mr. Snowden—the theft of government documents: “The American people have the
right to assume that their private documents will remain private and won’t be
collected by someone in the government for his own purposes.”
“Only by bringing Mr. Snowden to justice can we safeguard the most precious of
American rights: privacy,” added the spokesman, apparently serious.
(Posted by Andy Borowitz. June 22, 2013)
* * *
Counsels Anthony Wiener
WASHINGTON – This morning an anonymous source gave the New York Times a
recording of a telephone conversation between former Congressman Anthony Wiener
and former President Bill Clinton a few days after Weiner left office in
disgrace. The source claims the recording was found in a dumpster behind a
popular Hooters restaurant in Washington D.C. by a curious vagrant. The
tape was delivered to the Times early this morning by a person wearing a
Richard Nixon mask and large clown shoes. Following is a transcript of their
WIENER: Anthony Wiener here.
CLINTON: Anthony! So good to hear from you.
WIENER: You’re not just saying that?
CLINTON: No, not at all. (several seconds pass)
WIENER: OK, good. Uh, I think I need to apologize to
WIENER: Because you officiated at my wedding to Huma.
WIENER: Huma, my wife.
CLINTON: Beautiful woman.
WIENER: Thank you. So I want to apologize.
CLINTON: OK, I guess. Sure, why not.
WIENER: OK. Uh….I’m sorry.
CLINTON: Anything else?
WIENER: No, I guess not.
(Several seconds of silence)
CLINTON: OK, thanks for calling.
WIENER: Uh…I was also wondering if maybe, you know,
maybe you could say something publicly in my defense.
CLINTON: (laughs) No offense, buddy, but what could I
possibly say in your defense?
WIENER: I don’t know, maybe that what I did was
inappropriate but you think I should stay in politics and relentlessly fight for
CLINTON: Who in their right mind would believe that?
WIENER: But you were the president. People listen to
CLINTON: Yes, I was, and I had some issues of my own
with the fairer sex. I think if I attempt to come to your rescue it could very
well end up the most laughable moment in recent history. Worse than Jesse
Jackson giving me spiritual advice on adultery with his mistress in the other
WIENER: But the American people love you!
CLINTON: Yes I believe they do, and I have no
intention of losing that love, no matter how misplaced it might be.
WIENER: I’m really hurting here, Bill.
CLINTON: I feel your pain Wiener, I really do. And
don’t call me Bill.
WIENER: I’m sorry, Mr. President.
CLINTON: You need to stop thinking about yourself and
think about your wife.
WIENER: No offense, sir, but you really don’t
have room to talk.
CLINTON: Excuse me?
WIENER: Look what you did to Hillary.
CLINTON: First of all, it’s Mrs Clinton. And
second…..that was a lot different.
CLINTON: C’mon Wiener, you’ve seen my wife.
WIENER: You know I’ve always wondered, why did she
stay with you?
CLINTON: She wanted to be the first woman president.
She used me for her own selfish ambition.
WIENER: I wonder what my wife wants?
CLINTON: Millions are asking the same question, buddy.
WIENER: It’s just so painful.
CLINTON: (laughs) I can imagine. You go through your
entire life with the name Wiener and in the end it’s your wiener that destroys
you. Ironic isn’t it?
WIENER: Your wiener destroyed you too. Isn’t it the
CLINTON: Not even in the same ballpark. Most
important, I kept my job. But I was persecuted for having almost sex with a
real woman. You scurry around with your childish messages and little
underwear pictures on a computer screen. That doesn’t make it for me. I need to
be able to grab me some corn-fed meat.
WIENER: Corn what?
CLINTON: I like em’ corn fed and dolled up like a cheap
hooker on a New Orleans riverboat.
WIENER: If I was, let’s say a mayor, I’ll bet I could
be having real sex with women who ride riverboats. I had lots of girls sending
CLINTON: From what I’ve been told, you really don’t
know who’s sending you things on the Internet. It could have been Dick Cheney
sending you messages from his basement in his underwear, drinking canned beer
and blowing wind.
WIENER: Well maybe the worst is over. I’m going to a
rehab place to wait for everything to die down.
CLINTON: I don’t want to burst your bubble, but you
haven’t seen the worst yet. Not even close.
WIENER: You mean my wife?
CLINTON: Pay back is a bitch, and they relish every
moment of it.
WIENER: How bad is it going to be?
CLINTON: Have you ever noticed the size of Hillary’s
WIENER: Uh, sure.
CLINTON: Every now and then she’ll wrap those things
around me in bed and just squeeze.
WIENER: Pretty bad?
CLINTON: It’s like a pair of vice-grips from hell. And
the look on her face when she’s squeezing, all those years of pent-up rage
boiling up….with her eyes bulging and the veins in her neck throbbing….
WIENER: Sounds horrifying!
CLINTON: And it’s at home so she’s not wearing make-up.
CLINTON: Burning in the flames of hell could not
WIENER: But my wife is skinny. Her legs aren’t
anything like Hillary’s.
CLINTON: Does she have long toenails? Sharp elbows?
Are her fingers long enough to wrap around your neck? What about her teeth? Your
wife has some pretty big teeth and they look sharp. Hey, isn’t she a Muslim?
CLINTON: And you’re Jewish?
CLINTON: Whew! I’d keep my eyes peeled. Those people
like to video tape their violence.
WIENER: I could leave.
CLINTON: Where you gonna go? Who’s gonna want you
WIENER: Lots of women, sir. I have a whole bunch
following me on Twitter.
CLINTON: You need to wake up, son. Those girls
followed you around because you were a congressman. Same reason your wife
married you. That’s all being slurped down the drain like piss in the men’s room
at a Redskins game. You’re toast, Wiener. After you resign you’re going to need
your wife to pay the bills. Who’s going to hire you? You’re a pariah. Your own
family members will shun you.
WIENER: But you survived.
CLINTON: There’s a reason they called me Slick Willie.
WIENER: Maybe I can be Slick Wiener.
CLINTON: Ain’t gonna work. First of all, it sounds
really stupid. Second, I’m a phenomenon. Even the most dour Republican will tell
WIENER: What am I going to do?
CLINTON: That global warming stuff seems to be where
all the washed-up people are headed.
WIENER: There is some good money in it. Maybe I’ll
give it a try.
CLINTON: OK, I gotta run. Good luck, Wiener.
WIENER: Thanks Mr. President.
CLINTON: And Wiener?
WIENER: Mr. President?
CLINTON: Unless there’s a live woman in close
proximity, keep it in your pants, huh?
WIENER: I’ll try.
Mark Donahue.The Daily Rash.
* * *
Vitsmun - while in a sea of "God" rhetoric in the aftermath of the Moore, OK
tornado - was being interviewed by CNN's Wolf Blitzer
asked by Wolf "Do you thank the Lord?" she quickly responded that she was an
important that our community shows that we have your back when you come out
publicly as an atheist. Let's show the world that you don’t need to believe in a
god to have human compassion nor does all charity fall under the banner of
religion. Let's get this courageous woman and her family back in their own home.
for your contribution
from Doug Stanhope
say a prayer on my knees for everyone donates ten bucks. It will be twice as
valuable as a real prayer or your money back.
of 5000 claimed
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know if you're praying to the right god so dont take any chances. Your Get out
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some folks seem to have it so darn easy? Probably have a Guardian Angel over
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* * *
Bill Maher’s History of Anti-Catholicism
2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Francis:
After labeling the pope a “virgin bachelor,” Maher opined, “What other business
could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since
forever and you still keep your customers?”
2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI:
After displaying pictures of notable persons holding signs mocking themselves,
Maher showed a picture of the pope emeritus holding a sign saying, “Not actually
sick…I just hated that f***ing job.”
15, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the resignation of Pope Benedict
“Now…as you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know,
Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and
today—Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a
fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest’s lap.”
okay to let go. No one can fault you for losing faith in an organization that
won’t even allow women as priests, because, the reasoning goes, Jesus didn’t
have any female apostles. Yeah, you remember the Last Supper: a total sausage
is that any enterprise that excludes women almost always descends into sexual
deviancy. At least at my bathhouse.”
any culture that’s traditionally hostile to women, and I will show you a culture
that is screwed up. Like the Taliban. Like our military with its enormous rape
problem. And like the Catholic Church.”
11, 2013, “Conan” [TBS], smearing priests: “We found early this
year or last year in the Republican primaries when the Republicans made
contraception an issue, 98% of Catholics use birth control and the only ones who
don’t are the priests. They would if altar boys could get pregnant.”
12, 2012, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the vice presidential debate
between Congressman Paul Ryan and Vice President Joe Biden: “I have
not seen an old Catholic guy give it to a young Catholic guy like that since
since I was an altar boy.”
2011, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the 2011 John Jay Report on Sex
Abuse in the Catholic Church: Maher and his panel of
guests discussed the release of the 2011 John Jay Report on Sex Abuse in the
Catholic Church. Maher branded all priests as abusers and falsely claimed that
the report blamed the 60s for the abuse scandal.
said, “Here is what they found: Not as bad as you think; it magically solved
itself one day in 1985…. And the Church isn’t the problem, celibacy isn’t the
problem, repressed homosexuality isn’t the problem. You know what the problem
was? The 60s… I’m not kidding, they said it was the permissive attitude of the
“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on a Catholics Come Home ad campaign:
“The Catholic Church is changing. We get it. You don’t want us touching your
kids. Message received. This chart shows alleged inappropriate behavior toward
children since 90 AD. (Chart shows arrow going up every year) When we first
started keeping records. We are going to bring those numbers down. We are not
miracle workers but here is our pledge to you. You bring your kids back to
church and there will be a significantly lower chance that he or she will be
inappropriately touched—particularly she. And if one of our priests does touch
one of your kids, you will dine absolutely free at Long John Silver’s. We’re the
new Catholic Church and we know it’s time to roll up our sleeves and pull up our
19, 2010, “The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” [MSNBC], on gay priests:
“What’s interesting to me is the way conservatives—and I would put the military
in this lately in the way they’ve been talking about it and the Catholic Church
talk about gay as if it’s something that we really can’t resist if it’s around
us. You know, that’s how the Catholic Church talks about it. You know, our
priests are not sinning, they’re just giving into temptation when they’re
molesting children and going gay and stuff like that.”
28, 2010, “Joy Behar Show” [HLN], on having faith: “Religion
is all about sticking in fingers in your ears and humming. They don’t want to
hear what the reality is. They want to believe what they believe. It’s—it’s not
about critical thinking. I mean, faith is the purposeful suspension of critical
know if anybody could read the Bible and still want to be a religious person. It
is a book that is filled with immorality, wickedness, and then just plain
28, 2010, “Joy Behar Show” [HLN], on the Bible: “But it
is a lot of wickedness, there’s a lot God acting like a psychopath and just
ethnically cleansing people and wiping people out…. I was pointing out on the
show Friday night the Ten Commandments. You know, this is the ultimate list of
the ten things right from God and it doesn’t include rape, incest, or genocide.
That’s ok. That’s not on the top ten. But apparently swearing, working on Sunday
and building statues to other gods, those are the things that are important.”
19, 2008, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” [NBC], on Proposition 8:
Leno: “I don’t know how two people getting married will suddenly ruin my
marriage. I was told this will ruin my marriage. If two gay people—how? What
does it matter to me?”
“It doesn’t matter. And of course it’s all coming from religion, which is ironic
because Jesus never said anything about homosexuality in the Bible. And, you
know, what if Jesus was gay? I am not saying he was. But it wouldn’t make him
any worse. I mean, it could be. He was a gentle guy, never got married. Every
prayer ends with ‘ah, men.’ I’m just—What? What did I say?”
14, 2008,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on priest saying he would withhold
Communion for people who voted for Obama: “A Catholic priest in
South Carolina has told his congregation: if you voted for Obama you can’t
receive Communion. That’s right, the cracker won’t let you get the cracker. He
said supporting Obama constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil. Then
he proceeds to pass around the plate so everyone could chip in to pay off the
child f***ing lawsuits.”
“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking pope as Nazi and accusing him of
covering up for molester: “And, finally, New Rule: Whenever you combine a
secretive compound, religion and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there’s going to be
some child f***ing going on. In fact, whenever a cult leader sets himself up as
‘God’s infallible wing man’ here on earth, lock away the kids.
why I’d like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing
religious cult. Its leader also has a compound. And this guy not only operates
outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats.
That’s right. The pope is coming to America this week, and, ladies, he’s single!
know what you’re thinking: ‘Bill, you can’t be saying that the Catholic Church
is no better than this creepy Texas cult! For one thing, altar boys can’t even
really, what tripped up the ‘little cult on the prairie’ was that they only
abused hundreds of kids, not thousands all over the world. Cults get raided.
Religions get parades. How does the Catholic Church get away with all of their
buggery? VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!
have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call
you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you ‘pope.’
like if you can’t pay your mortgage, you’re a deadbeat, but if you can’t pay a
million mortgages, you’re Bear Stearns, and we bail you out. And that’s who the
Catholic Church is, the Bear Stearns of organized pedophilia. Too big to fail.
the—when the current pope was in his previous Vatican job as John Paul’s Dick
Cheney, he wrote a letter instructing every Catholic bishop to keep the sex
abuse of minors secret until the statute of limitations ran out. And that’s the
Church’s attitude: ‘We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.’
fine. Far be it from me to criticize religion. But, just remember one thing: if
the pope was, instead of a religious figure, merely the CEO of a nationwide
chain of daycare centers where thousands of employees had been caught molesting
kids and then covering it up, he’d be arrested faster than you can say, ‘Who
wants to touch Mister Wiggle?’”
8, 2008,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Mother Teresa:
When Maher said, “Mother Teresa, who we found out recently, actually lost her
faith,” Bob Costas then said Mother Teresa questioned her faith from time to
time; she didn’t lose it entirely. Maher responded, “Well, but it’s Mother
Teresa. Kind of like finding out Colonel Sanders doesn’t eat chicken.”
4, 2008, “Larry King Live” [CNN], on being an anti-Catholic bigot:
“They accuse me of being a Catholic bigot. First of all, I don’t have it out
especially for Catholics. I think all religions are koo-koo. Ok? It’s not just
the Catholics. I’m not a bigot. Just because I wish for the demise of an
organization that I think is entirely destructive to the human race, that
doesn’t make me a bigot. I also wish for [the] demise of Hamas and the KKK.”
25, 2008, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the Virgin Birth:
“But I think it is much more likely that there could be space ships from outer
space, than what a lot of things people believe. People still believe, you know,
excuse me I know I may inject religion into every show but UFOs are a lot more
likely than a space god [that] flew down bodily and you know who was the Son of
God and you know had sex with a Palestinian woman…”
4, 2008, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” [NBC], attacking religious faith and
“You can’t be a rational person six days of the week and put on a suit and make
rational decisions and go to work and, on one day of the week, go to a building
and think you’re drinking the blood of a 2,000-year-old space god. That doesn’t
make you a person of faith…That makes you a schizophrenic.”
17, 2007,“Larry King Live” [CNN], on the release of his movie “Religulous”:
“It should come out at Easter. I would like it out as soon as the time people
are celebrating the space man’s flying up to heaven.”
2007,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking Catholicism, mixing it with
“And it’s easy to start a religion! Watch, I’ll do it for you: I had a vision
last night! A vision! The Blessed Virgin Mary came to me – I don’t know how she
got past the guards – and she told me it’s high time to take the high ground
from the Seventh Day Adventists and give it to the 24-hour party people. And
what happens in the confessional stays in the confessional. Gay men, don’t say
you’re life partners; say you’re a nunnery of two. ‘We weren’t having sex,
officer, I was performing a very private Mass, here in my car. I was letting my
rod and staff comfort him. Take this and eat of it, for this is my roommate
Barry. And for all those who believe there is a special place for you in
“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], discussing religion and drugs:
“Religion is bad, drugs are good.” On all religions: “Childish, destructive and
2007,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking the Eucharist:
Maher showed a pictured of Keith Richards and said, “New Rule, snorting your
father isn’t crazy.” Then, he showed a picture of a Catholic priest giving
Communion and said, “Eating your father, that’s crazy.”
2005, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], mocking the death of Pope John Paul II:
“The Pope may be cold but this crowd is hot.”
was laid to rest just as he requested, in a pine box with his drum sticks, an
Allen Iverson jersey and then Bono came and poured Jack Daniels on the coffin.”
waited in line for 24 hours to see the Pope’s body and when they got to see the
Pope they smelled worse than he did.”
those who could not make the funeral the Vatican has asked that in lieu of
flowers just stop touching your d***.”
Catholics say, ‘We love the pope, he should be a saint but he is kind of full of
sh*t on everything we believe.’”
church that is so against homosexuals they put on a pageant that you could not
“Bill Maher: Victory Begins at Home,” Maher’s Broadway show:
“What’s the reason for this insanity?” Maher had been discussing Islam. “One
word: religion. The Catholics got away with f***ing kids.” When the audience
gave a mixed reaction, he said, “Oh come on! Get the rod out of your a**!” He
then impersonated an altar boy saying to a priest, “Put some more lotion on,
Father,” and said, “Holy lubricant, Father!”
regulate drugs: regulate religion. I was raised Catholic and I was not molested.
I’m a little insulted. Apparently, I wasn’t attractive enough.”
problem is they drill religion into your head when you are very young. Well,
when you are four years old you believe in Santa Claus, too. Santa Claus, Easter
Bunny, the Virgin Birth, sure! When you’re a priest everyday spewing this
bulls*** about the apple and the snake etc. you can see him just saying, ‘Ah,
f*** it, just blow me, kid!’”
gay, the Church! With the robes and the smoke and kneeling in front of the
priest with your mouth open eating God.”
a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I’ll
tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It’s their religion. You
say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with
f***ing kids, for crying out loud!”
2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the canonization of
“Pope John Paul canonized him and the reason it sticks in my craw is because it
just seems like they needed a saint badly, because they had a lot of bad P.R.
with the whole, you know, we’re having sex with kids thing.”
2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], responding to a guest who
had said that no one wants to see the Catholic Church go away:
“Well, no, I’d love to see the Church go away. And there are lots of people who
2002, on “Larry King Live” [CNN], on the Catholic Church: “Well, I
wasn’t raised Jewish. My mother is Jewish. But I never even knew I was
half-Jewish until I was a teenager. I was just so frightened about the Catholics
and everything that was going on there in the church—and I was never, you know,
molested or anything. And I’m a little insulted. I guess they never found me
attractive. And that’s really their loss.”
2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the sex abuse scandal in
the Catholic Church: “So it is in this spirit that I offer
this modest proposal that the Catholic Church just drop the pretense and just go
gay. Just come out of the confessional. Preach the sermon on the mountain.
Embrace it. Let the straight people be Baptists. It’s high time you gay
Catholics stood up and announced to the world, ‘We’re here, we’re queer, get
2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on sex abuse settlements:
“I am not defending the Church. I have hated the Church way before anyone else.
I have been pounding religion for nine years on this show.”
2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the sex abuse problem:
“Before puberty, I would say nobody caused me more pain than the Catholics.”
apparently was not attractive enough to be hit on [by priests].”
Jones of Human Life International commented that the sex abuse problem was not
prevalent in Europe or South America. Maher shot back, “You’re right. In African
countries they rape the nuns.”
2002, on “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Eucharist:
Kirk Franklin, a black musician, attacked the Eucharist by complaining “gotta
take the cracker.” To which Maher replied, “Gotta take the cracker from a
27, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on Christianity and
“Christianity is grafted from paganism… It’s all about a man in the sky who’s
going to send you in a burning lake of fire if you screw up… Which is the
perfect description of religion itself. I mean, what is scarier than
drinking the man’s blood every Sunday? That’s not a spooky ritual? ‘Here kids,
drink his blood and eat his body.’ Like that’s not pagan? What can be more pagan
2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on sex abuse:
“Look, it’s a fact of life. Priests, a lot of times, molest boys, okay? They are
celibate and it’s a magnet for homosexual pedophiles.”
2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on celibate priests:
“Be fruitful and multiply. What’s more weird than being celibate. There’s
nothing more perverted than that.”
2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Annunciation:
Maher commented that the Archangel Gabriel didn’t tell Mary she was
pregnant with Jesus, he showed her his “horn had turned pink.”
2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the celibate priesthood:
“Priests are supposed to be celibate. They’re not having sex with women…. Just
with the boys.”
2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on anti-Catholicism in the
wake of George W. Bush speaking at Bob Jones University: “Isn’t it
amazing that this is an issue in this election? When was the last time you ever
heard of a Catholic being bashed? … But when was the last time someone called
you a Papist? I mean really, is this really going on nowadays?”
10, 1999, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on why many people
don’t go to synagogue or church: “You shouldn’t, I don’t
think, lump the synagogue in with the Church. They operate very differently, OK.
The synagogue—and I’m not Jewish, but I was raised Catholic—was never as corrupt
as the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church, which is people, not God running
it, OK, hugely corrupt, did horrible things through history, maybe…because they
were that powerful.”
“Catholics practice what they want to practice. They go to see the pope because
he is a big celebrity, but they go home and they masturbate, they practice birth
control…well they do.”
4, 1999, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the pope and
“The pope had his dress up about the abortion issue.”
8, 1998, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Catholic Church:
“But Catholics nowadays are like, you know, ‘The pope says we shouldn’t do this
and this, but we really wanna pick and choose the parts of the religion that we
feel fits us. You know the pope says you shouldn’t masturbate or have abortions,
but that’s fine for him, he’s an elderly man, but for us…’”
A. Donohue, president of CATHOLIC
LEAGUEFor Religious and Civil Rights.
* * *
Cheney Marks Tenth Anniversary of Pretending There Was Reason to
In a sombre ceremony attended by former members
of the Bush Administration, the former Vice-President Dick Cheney marked
the tenth anniversary of making up a reason to invade Iraq.
The ceremony, held on the grounds of the
Halliburton Company headquarters, brought together the former Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, the former Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice, the former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, and other
key members of the lying effort.
Calling the assembled officials “profiles in
fabrication,” Mr. Cheney praised them for their decade of dedication to
a totally fictitious rationale.
“Making up a reason to
invade a country is the easy part,” Mr. Cheney told them. “Sticking to a
pretend story for ten years—that is the stuff of valor.”
Mr. Cheney added that their “steadfast charade
had raised the bar for all future Administrations.”
“When it is time to invade Iran or Venezuela,
will the President have the will to make up an entirely fake reason to
do it?” he asked. “That remains to be seen.” The ceremony ended on an
emotional note, as Mr. Cheney placed a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown
Former President George W. Bush, who was said to
be otherwise engaged, was represented at the event by a nude
Borowitz. The Borowitz Report
March 19, 2013)
* * *
Position vacant: New Pope Wanted
Pope Benedict XVI announced this
week that he will resign from the papacy on February 28,
2013, and speculation is rife about who will succeed him.
His decision sets the stage for a conclave to elect a new
pope before the end of March, 2013, and this Vatileaks
posting offers some advice and background information to the
candidates contesting the position of the new leader of the
Catholic Church. It should be remembered that the successful
applicant must be able to take charge of a religion that is
sinking in moral bankruptcy, and he must also be able to
ignore Amnesty International’s accusations that the Church
of Rome has constantly violated human rights. Here are some
other requirements for the position of Pope:
1. The successful applicant must
be ready to maintain the ancient tradition of protecting
the Vatican’s international paedophile ring of thousands
of Catholic priests who rape innocent little children,
and follow the examples of both Pope John Paul II and
Pope Benedict XVI in allowing career paedophiles to
continue operating unabated in the Catholic priesthood.
2. The new Pope’s first job is the impossible task
of trying to attempt to recover the profound loss of
faith in all Catholic countries around the world.
3. Candidates should apply for the papal position
only after they have securely suppressed the sins of
their past with false documentation, and thus be in a
position to pretend to be unsullied. As happened with
John Paul II, immediately after the elevation of the new
Pope, the Vatican’s propaganda machine moved into
action, and issued false statements about his past.
4. The new Pope must continue to conceal the fact
that the Vatican created a false history for itself, and
the Gospels are not collections of biographical facts
about Jesus Christ, but un-historic priesthood
fabrications. He must also maintain the Vatican’s bitter
hostility towards its past being exposed, and not enter
into a discussion about the erudite Dr. Joseph McCabe’s
famous quote: ‘The Vatican is in the business of
concealing its history’ (A History of the Popes, Dr.
Joseph McCabe, Rector of Buckingham College (d. 1955);
C. A. Watts and Co, London).
5. The successful
applicant will need to address the recent political
rejections of the Catholic Church in the USA, the
Philippines, German, Ireland, the Netherlands, Australia
and other countries; the priests’ revolts in Austria,
Ireland, the USA and elsewhere, and the international
bank regulators constant pressure on the Vatican Bank to
cease its money-laundering activities.
6. The new
Pope must decline all live TV interviews in case he is
asked to produce evidence for the existence of Jesus
7. Hidden behind secret and complex
offshore company structures, the new Pope must subtly
expand the Vatican’s massive worldwide wealth of real
estate, gold bullion, banks, art treasures, office
blocks in London, sports stadiums, casinos, businesses,
publishing houses, blocks of flats in Paris and
Switzerland, stocks and bonds, that currently totals
more financial value than any other single institution
in the world.
8. To be a successful Pope,
stage-acting experience is an advantage.
applicant must be able to present the Bible as the
‘unadulterated word of God’ without bursting into
10. A life-time supply of lacy frocks
and frilly overlays is part of the employment package,
as is the standard pagan ‘fish-head’ papal tiara of
11. Like many popes, the
applicant must say that his illegitimate daughters or
sons are ‘nieces’ or ‘nephews’, and falsely pretend to
12. As the ‘infallible’ head of the
Catholic Church, the new Pope must be prepared to face
current and expanding charges of ‘Crimes against
Humanity’ directed at the Holy See at The Hague,
originally instigated against Pope Benedict XVI that
pass on to the new Pope.
13. The successful
applicant’s remuneration package includes unlimited
amounts of cash, gold and jewels, and a palace in
Vatican City resplendent with chefs, servants,
housemaids and Swiss Guards for personal protection
against his many enemies. A richly-appointed summer
palace, the Castel Gandolfo near the Mediterranean Sea
is included in the package and comes complete with a
swimming pool and a personal staff of around 50 people.
14. He must be prepared for other countries to
follow Ireland’s example in shutting down their
Embassies in Rome and severing their ties with the
15. The new Pope will have a jet
airliner available to provide free, unlimited
first-class international travel for him and his
16. The successful applicant will
receive the key to the executive toilet in the ‘Raphael
bathroom’ in Vatican City’s papal palace, and will be
excused for vomiting on the Cortina Marble tiles if
17. The position offers exquisite
gourmet meals and fine vintage wines free for the
remainder of the successful applicant’s life.
The victorious candidate faces a growing sense of
disillusionment with the Catholic Church as millions
leave, and others look at the Holy See with deep
skepticism after learning about centuries of
falsifications and pre-meditated forgeries in the
19. The new appointee to the
chair of St. Peter must, on all occasions, pretend to be
interested in the concerns of Christian believers, and
not spend his days shooting birds in the Vatican gardens
as did one of his predecessors.
Applicants are invited to apply in
Vatican City in the first instance in March 2013 at the
conclave in the Sistine Chapel, and be ready to indulge in
offering bribes to the cardinals that is a traditional part
of the process of becoming pope.
(Vati Leaks - Thursday, February 14,
* * *
Palin: Obama Seems To Want To Go Back To
The Days Of Slavery
Sarah Palin went on Heinity on Thursday to do some sort of
to-the-core-of-the-earth analysis of something Obama-related, god knows what,
but perhaps hugs? (Hannity describes it as a “sort of bit of information,” which
is the closest any conservative has come to admitting how flea-sized this
incident is.) And the gist was Sean Hannity asking Palin what all “this”
“means.” Something something, Obama’s hug of a guy, “class warfare” and attempts
to help the broke suggest that the president is “bringing us back” to the era in
which blacks were considered to be 3/5 of a person. It’s true, this — wanting
equality, supporting others who do — is a true replica of slavery, you can’t
even tell the two apart.
Some of the exchange:
He is bringing us back, Sean, to days, uh — you can harken back to days before
the Civil War when unfortunately too many Americans mistakenly believed that not
all men were created equal.
What a thing. What a day. Palin goes on to say (WARNING: CRAP ENGLISH FOLLOWS):
And it was the Civil War that began the codification of the truth that here in
America, yes we are equal, and we all have equal opportunities, not based on the
color of your skin. You have equal opportunity to work hard and to succeed and
to embrace the opportunities, god-given opportunities to develop resources, to
work extremely hard, and to, as I say, to succeed. Now, it has taken all these
years for many Americans to understand that — that gravity, that mistake took
place before the Civil War, and why the Civil War, had to really start changing
America. What Barack Obama seems to want
to do is go back to before those days when we were in different classes based on
income, based on color of skin. Why are we allowing our country to move
backwards instead of moving forward –
— with that understanding that as our charters of liberty spell out for us, that
we are all created equally.
Incuriouser and incuriouser! Whatever could this white lady be talking about?
That welfare encourages people historically deprived of opportunities to
continue to not have them? That rich people are more sensitive than others and
poor people should be considerate of that? That health care saves people’s teeth
from falling out, which causes them to be too elitist? Please let us know, if
Colwille. May 2012
* * *
Trump to Hire Tiger Woods' #1 Mistress for 'The Celebrity Apprentice'?
Donald Trump has reportedly
propositioned the now-infamous Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' numero uno side
dish. According to TMZ, Trump, a longtime friend of Woods, asked Uchitel to be
on the next season of The Celebrity Apprentice,
and she said, "Absolutely."
Of course, NBC will have final say on the
cast, but it got us thinking, what if Trump did an all-mistress version of
The Celebrity Apprentice?
Who would star? We have a few ideas:
- Sandra Bullock's ex,
tatted-up lady, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.
She definitely got the "sex sells" memo and could bring that to her business
sense for the show; however, she seems to have not gotten that "white supremacy
paraphernalia definitely does not sell" memo.
- Former New York Governor
Eliot Spitzer's call girl, Ashley Dupre. She
knows how to keep it professional -- Eliot Spencer was only "Client number nine"
to this business-savvy lady. And she probably doesn't kiss on the mouth.
North Carolina Senator John Edwards' baby mama, Rielle Hunter.
This lady knows how to keep a secret, even one that has a striking resemblance
to John Edwards. Plus, she's A-OK with being made to look like a first-class
beeyotch. And there has to be at least one on
- Monica Lewinsky, former President Bill Clinton's
paramour. She could pimp her handbag line and
possibly help her team formulate a new brand of stain remover. Plus, she looks
jaunty in hats. Perhaps she could advise Trump on a fedora to replace his
signature comb over.
- Letterman intern/assistant, Stephanie Birkitt, with
whom he cheated on his longtime love.
Birkitt's boyfriend tried to extort Letterman after learning about the
affair--he's now serving six months behind bars (and just scored an Emmy
nomination to boot!). And in business (or rather, in shady business), it
can be a good idea to have friends in low places, and Steph certainly brings
that to the table.
Anyone we left out? Would you watch The Celebrity Apprentice
starring any of these women? Who do you want to see star on the show? Sound off
in the comments below!
(Jen Harper. Editor,
* * *
THE ROVING EYE -The Dead
off, of course, to Monty Python)
A group of journalists attend a
United States Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) press conference in a
nondescript room in Langley, Virginia.
Journalist 1 [approaching the
podium]: Excuse me, I wish to register a complaint.
does not respond.]
Journalist 1: 'Ello, Miss?
CIA spook: What do
you mean "miss"? I'm no Victoria Nuland, buddy.
Journalist 1: I'm sorry,
I thought this was the State Department. I wish to make a complaint.
spook: We're closin' for now, gotta move forward with our shadow war in Iran.
Journalist 1: Precisely. I wish to complain about this spy drone of
yours that disappeared this week in eastern Iran.
CIA spook: Oh yes,
the, uh, the RQ-170 ... And your information is incorrect, that was in eastern
Afghanistan. What's, uh ... What's wrong with it?
Journalist 1: I'll
tell ya what's wrong with it, buddy. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
CIA spook: No, no, it's uh ... it's resting.
Journalist 1: In the
freaking Iranian desert? Look, buddy, we all know a dead drone when we see one,
and I'm looking at one - in Iran - right now.
CIA spook: No, no, it's
not dead, it's ... it's restin'! Remarkable drone, the RQ-170, ain't it?
Beautiful radar-evading piece of technology, right? Can't tell you more about it
because it's classified.
Journalist 1: "Classified" doesn't cut it. It's
CIA spook: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Journalist 1: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! [Shouting at a
joystick] 'Ello, Mister Dodo Drone! I've got a lovely fresh IRGC [Iranian
Revolutionary Guards Corps] target for you if you just show ...
spook hits the joystick]
CIA spook: There, it beeped!
1: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the remote control!
CIA spook: I
Journalist 1: Yes, you did!
CIA spook: I never, never
did anything ...
Journalist 1: [Yelling and hitting the joystick
repeatedly] 'Ello!!!!! Dronie Boy! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is
the god damned CIA calling!
[Thumps joystick on the CIA spook's lectern.
Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.]
1: Now that's what I call a dead drone.
CIA spook: No, no ... No, it's
Journalist 1: STUNNED?!?
CIA spook: Yeah! You stunned
it, just as it was wakin' up! RQ-170s stun easily.
Journalist 1: Um ...
now look, buddy, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That drone is definitely
deceased, and when you guys issued a press statement a while ago, you assured us
all that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired because of its
prolonged secret mission.
CIA spook: There is no indication, I repeat,
no indication, that Iran shot it down.
Journalist 1: But you're missing
a drone. It was on a secret mission. It crash-landed in Iran. And Iran says they
shot the bloody thing down.
CIA spook: Well, it's ... it's, ah ... it
probably thought it was in the Nevada desert.
Journalist 1: NEVADA
DESERT?!?!?!? What kind of crap is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back
in Iran, of all places? By now the Revolutionary Guards must be throwing a party
to the Russians, the Chinese, the Pakistanis, the North Koreans for God's sake,
so everyone can rip your technology apart, for a price ...
The RQ-170 prefers keepin' on its back! Hey, remarkable drone! Lovely tech
features, radar evasion, portable ...
Journalist 1: Look, the IRNA news
agency took the liberty of examining that drone after it crash-landed, they
discovered that, yes, it was nailed to the soil of eastern Iran. [Pause]
CIA spook: Well, o'course we nailed it over there! If we hadn't nailed that
drone down, it would have flown away and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
1: "VOOM"?!? Buddy, this drone wouldn't "voom" if you sent the Navy SEALS Team
Six to give it an electric shock. It's bleedin' demised!
CIA spook: No
no! It's a trick! It's a top-secret counter-insurgency trick to fool the enemy!
Journalist 1: It's not a bloody trick! It's passed on! This drone is no
more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its industrial-military
complex maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace in a Shi'ite
paradise! Its metabolic processes are now history! It's off the twig! It's
kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and
joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DRONE!! [Pause]
spook: Well, we'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the
lectern). Sorry sir, I talked to our boss, General David Petraeus and uh, we're
right out of secret drones.
Journalist 1: I see. I see, I get the
CIA spook: We got loads of bunker-buster bombs though. [Pause]
1: Do they spy?
CIA spook: Nnnnot really.
Journalist 1: WELL
THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, AIN'T THAT RIGHT?!!???!!?
N-no, I guess not. [Acts stiff, looks at his feet]
Journalist 1: Well.
CIA spook: [Quietly] D'you ... d'you want to go visit the
Pentagon and take a peek at their ... contingency plans?
[Looks around] Yeah, all right, sure.
Escobar. December 2011)
* * *
My Bad: A
After a week of sometimes indignant public denials and
insistence that he was the victim of an Internet hacker, a weeping and
stammering ... [Representative Anthony D. Weiner] acknowledged at a news
conference that he had sent the photo of himself in his underwear to ... a
college student in Seattle.
— The Times, June 7
TODAY, I want to briefly address a private matter.
(1) I’d like to take this time to clear up some of the questions that have been
raised over the past 10 days or so, and take full responsibility for my actions.
There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by
how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and
things happened in my life that were not appropriate. (3) I was blind to
how arrogant and self-centered I had become; I did not recognize that I thought
mostly of myself. The worst part about this is I even tried not to become caught
up in my own self-importance. Unfortunately, the urge to believe in it was
stronger than the power to fight it. (4) I know that my public comments
and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. (5)
I made a serious mistake.
(6) I haven’t told the truth,
and I’ve done things I deeply regret. (7)
I’ve been unfaithful to my
wife. (8) That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.
(9) This is
no time for evasions, denials or alibis. I fully accept responsibility and I am
truly sorry for my actions. (10)
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by
a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also
very concerned about protecting my family. (11) To all those I have
disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.
(12) I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff
and my constituents. (13)
As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open
for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the
mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself. (14)
Over the course of my public life, I have insisted — I believe correctly — that
people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their
conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself. (15)
I’ve let down a lot of people. That’s the bottom line. And I
let them down and in every instance I would ask their forgiveness. Forgiveness
is not an immediate process, it is in fact a process that takes time and I’ll be
in that process for quite some weeks and months and I suspect years ahead.
(16) I do not believe that God tortures any person simply for its own sake.
(17) I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down
in their hearts hope there’s a forgiving God. Somebody once said that when we’re
young, we seek justice, but as we get older, we seek mercy. There’s something to
that, I think. (18)
As we go through the process of working through this there are
going to be some hard decisions to be made, to be dealt with. (19) I owe
a humble thank you to the many people who helped to get me here, and who helped
me serve effectively. (20) I am very proud of the things we have
accomplished during my administration. (21)
But I guess where I’m trying to go with this is there are
moral absolutes and that God’s law indeed is there to protect you from yourself,
and there are consequences if you breach that. This press conference is a
consequence. (22) I ask that the media respect my wife and children
through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and
criticism, my family does not. (23)
Thank you for watching. And good night.
(1) Eliot Spitzer, March 10, 2008.
(2) Anthony D. Weiner, June 6, 2011.
(3) Newt Gingrich, March 8, 2011.
(4) John Ensign, May 2, 2011.
(5) Bill Clinton, Aug. 17, 1998.
(6) Gary Hart, Sept. 8, 1987.
(7) Mr. Weiner.
(8) Mark Sanford, June 24, 2009.
(9) Larry Craig, Aug. 28, 2007.
(10) Jesse Jackson, Jan. 18, 2001.
(11) Mr. Clinton.
(12) John Edwards, Jan. 21, 2010.
(13) Christopher Lee, Feb. 9, 2011.
(14) Mr. Craig.
(15) Mr. Spitzer, March 12, 2008.
(16) Mr. Sanford.
(17) James E. McGreevey, Aug. 12,
(18) Mr. Gingrich.
(19) Mr. Sanford.
(20) Mr. Ensign.
(21) Mr. McGreevey.
(22) Mr. Sanford.
(23) Arnold Schwarzenegger, May 17,
(24) Mr. Clinton.
(By THOMAS VINCIGUERRA. Published: June 8, 2011)
* * *
From Dickipedia - A
Wiki of Dicks
Paul Dundes Wolfowitz
(b. December 22, 1943) is a visiting scholar at the American Enterprise
Institute, former academic, diplomat, military strategist, policymaker, and a
dick. Wolfowitz served in the Defense and State Departments under Carter,
Reagan, George H. W. Bush, and George W. Bush. In 2007, he resigned from the
World Bank after an investigation over a promotion he secured for his
girlfriend, and the fact that the affair forced people to conclude that someone
was, indeed, willingly having sexual intercourse with Wolfowitz.
Wolfowitz was born to a Polish-Jewish immigrant family in New York. In 1957,
Wolfowitz, then fourteen years old, spent a year living in Israel, as if Israel
didn't have enough problems. Even as a child, Wolfowitz was a strong supporter
of Israel, and, like many neocons, would channel that passion into a lifelong
devotion to screwing up the Middle East.
As something of a dick prodigy, Wolfowitz began attending Cornell while still a
high school student. Later, while still an undergraduate, he met Claire Selgin.
They married in 1968, after which he convinced her to have sexual intercourse
with him at least three times, producing the couple's three children.
The two separated in 1999. It is unknown why it took Claire Wolfowitz until 1999
to divorce, though one possible explanation is that, as a prominent
anthropologist, she traveled frequently and was thus better able to tolerate
being in a marriage with a dick like Wolfowitz.
In addition to English, Wolfowitz is able to be a dick in five other languages,
Arabic, French, German, Hebrew, and Indonesian.
After graduating from Cornell, Wolfowitz attended the University of Chicago,
because he wished to study with Leo Strauss, the intellectual godfather to an
entire generation of neocon dicks.
In 1970, Wolfowitz went to Yale, where he earned a Ph.D. in political science.
His doctoral dissertation was on "water desalinization in the Middle East."
Though his dissertation did not solve the water supply crisis there, the issue,
largely due to Wolfowitz's later efforts, is no longer considered among the
region's top problems.
One of Wolfowitz's students at Yale was I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the dick who
later became an aide to Vice President Dick Cheney and was convicted in the
Valerie Plame affair.
After working in the Carter and Reagan administrations, Wolfowitz became George
H.W. Bush's U.S. Undersecretary of Defense for Policy and was responsible for
realigning U.S. military strategy in the post-cold war environment, which has
been a stunning success. This is known as a joke.
Following the Persian Gulf War in 1991, Wolfowitz co-wrote the Defense Planning
Guidance to "set the nation’s direction for the next century." The Bush
administration had decided not to move into Baghdad and overthrow Saddam
Hussein, favoring instead a policy of containment. Wolfowitz’s plan called for
"preemption" and "unilateralism." It is unfortunate that we will just never know
how that would have turned out.
After the election of President Bill Clinton in 1992, Wolfowitz left government
service and became a private sector dick, until the Republicans regained power
in 2000 and reassembled the network of fringe neocon dicks, much like the old
gang from Ocean's 11, except with more death, chaos, car bombs, and
In 1997, Wolfowitz was associated with the Project for a New American Century, a
Washington, D.C.-based think tank founded by second generation dicks William
Kristol and Robert Kagan. PNAC's goal was to channel the feelings of sexual
inadequacy felt by neocons into a foreign policy program. In regards to that
goal it is generally thought to have been a great success.
From 2001 to 2005, Wolfowitz served at President George W. Bush's Deputy
Secretary of Defense. In May 2001, Wolfowitz ordered the recall of 600,000
military berets made in China, stating "U.S. troops shall not wear berets made
in China." Up until then, few knew about Wolfowitz's muscular fashion policy.
There has been some speculation that Wolfowitz was also behind the sudden switch
to skinny jeans in 2006.
Of the attacks of 9-11, Wolfowitz said: "9/11 really was a wake up call and that
if we take proper advantage of this opportunity to prevent the future terrorist
use of weapons of mass destruction that it will have been an extremely valuable
wake up call." Though many criticisms have been made against Wolfowitz over the
course of his career, failing to "take proper advantage" of the deaths of other
people's children has never been among them. It is only too bad that the 2,974
victims of 9/11 couldn't have gone through their "extremely valuable deaths" earlier.
Having f***ed up the military and political aspects of the Middle East, only the
financial sector was to enjoy Wolfowitz's vision and acumen. Accordingly, in
2005 Bush put forth Wolfowitz to be the President of the World Bank. The
nomination split opinion. On one side was every sane person in the world, on the
other, the Wall Street Journal editorial page.
While at the bank, Wolfowitz's relationship with a bank staffer, Shaha Ali Riza,
became public. This was a problem for two reasons. The first: bank rules
prohibit sexual relationships between a staff member and a manager, even if the
former reports to the latter only indirectly. The second reason: someone is
having sexual intercourse with Paul Wolfowitz. Presumably, she would regularly
and willingly see Wolfowitz naked. Most likely, she even let him touch her.
Sexually. Worst of all, though Riza was in her early 50's when she began dating
Wolfowitz, recent scientific advances have made it possible that Riza could even
have brought yet another Wolfowitz into the world. This would seem to be in
direct conflict with the World Bank's mission of helping to improve conditions
in the world.
After an ensuing ethics investigation, Wolfowitz announced his resignation from
the bank on May 17, 2007. A week later The New York Post reported that Wolfowitz
and Riza had split up, leaving Wolfowitz to satisfy himself sexually, perhaps
with images of his handiwork in the Middle East.
(Dickipedia is a production of
Huffington Post Comedy
* * *
The 10 Funniest, Strangest Stories of the Year
Here are the stories from 2010
that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
Please be advised: the Top Ten
Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate
News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and
linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and
track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars. Sure,
sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and
devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that
offer a break from the tension. That allow us to view the desolation from
the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. (. . .) So here they are, the stories
from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
10. Dick Cheney’s 6th
heart attack. How does a guy without a heart have 6 heart attacks? It would
be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps
spitting him back.
9. Barack Obama. True to
his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against
him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right
sees him as Malcolm X. The left - Urkel.
8. Christine O’Donnell.
Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she’s not a witch. Then the local Wiccan
community denied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn’t lead
above the fold on her election eve mailer.
7. California Gubernatorial
Candidate Meg Whitman. A Jerry Brown staffer called her a “ho” and she went
ballistic. “Its an insult to all women.” Nooooo, we’re pretty sure it was
specific to you. Spends more than a seventh of a billion dollars on her campaign
and still cuts her hair with a salad shooter. Go figure.
6. Glenn Beck. Attempts to
reclaim the civil rights movement by holding a rally on the steps of the Lincoln
Memorial. Because isn’t it about time angry middle aged pudgy white guys got a
fair shake from society?
5. Health Care. 2700 pages
long. Or 2900. They’re still not sure. Lot of stuff can happen in 200 pages.
I’ve read Harry Potter.
4. The TSA’s new search policy.
Just direct me to the agent who didn’t volunteer for the gig.
3. Sarah Palin. At Tea
Party Convention she criticized Obama for over dependency on a Teleprompter
while she had notes written on her hand. Which is a 5th grade
teleprompter for people who can’t read fast. Every two weeks there’s something
with her. Every two weeks, she erupts. She’s like Republican herpes. And I mean
that in a good way.
2. George W Bush’s
Autobiography. Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider. Wherein he talks
about how glad he is to be out of Washington. That makes about 310 million of
us. Online campaign urges customers to transfer book from Non Fiction to True
1. BP Oil Spill. Largest
pile of toxic sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s latest book.
Brightside: Able to refuel jet ski midtrip.Please be advised: the Top Ten
Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate
News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and
linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and
track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars. Sure,
sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and
devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that
offer a break from the tension. That allow us to view the desolation from
the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. Like when Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen,
Elena Kagan and the Chilean miners were disrupted by the Icelandic Volcano from
attending the World Cup. A worthy account yes, but alas, not esteemed enough for
* * *
Terrorists. Go get'em, Interpol!
As a longtime feminist activist, I have been overjoyed to discover your new
commitment to engaging in global manhunts to arrest and prosecute men who behave
like narcissistic jerks to women they are dating.
I see that Julian Assange is accused of having consensual sex with two
women, in one case using a condom that broke. I understand, from the alleged victims' complaints to the media, that Assange is also accused of
texting and tweeting in the taxi on the way to one of the women's apartments
while on a date, and, disgustingly enough, 'reading stories about himself
online' in the cab.
Both alleged victims are also upset that he began dating a second woman
while still being in a relationship with the first. (Of course, as a feminist, I
am also pleased that the alleged victims are using feminist-inspired rhetoric
and law to assuage what appears to be personal injured feelings. That's what our
brave suffragette foremothers intended!).
Thank you again, Interpol. I know you will now prioritize the global manhunt
for 1.3 million guys I have heard similar complaints about personally in the US
alone -- there is an entire fraternity at the University of Texas you need to
arrest immediately. I also have firsthand information that John Smith in
Providence, Rhode Island, went to a stag party -- with strippers! -- that his
girlfriend wanted him to skip, and that Mark Levinson in Corvallis, Oregon, did
not notice that his girlfriend got a really cute new haircut -- even though it
was THREE INCHES SHORTER.
Terrorists. Go get 'em, Interpol!
* * *
Opinion: Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider
You have to marvel at George W. Bush's audacious return to the national stage,
not to mention his curious timing. After all, there wasn't what you would call
an overwhelming popular demand for his reappearance. Apparently even putative
war criminals got to make a living. But it's going to take more than one
media-blitzing book tour to scrub his image. For that he'll either need another
two or three decades of restorative exile or a wire-mesh scouring pad the size
Here comes the New Bush, just like the Old Bush. The first
volume of 43's memoirs (oh, there will be more) has been released, and, though
you know in your heart he wanted to call it "The Great Decider" or "Decisions
Decided by the Deciding Decider," cooler heads prevailed at Crown Publishing
Group, simply titling it "Decision Points" as told to George Bush by Dick
Cheney. No. I just made that last part up. And neither is Amazon bundling the
autobiography with "My Pet Goat," but it's a fiendishly good idea.
Not sure who edited this puppy, but odds are that person burned through
about four spell checks. Ironically, he's got a long way to go to live up to the
standards set in previous Bush family tell-alls, especially the one penned by
his mother's dog. Booksellers will surely decide which section to stock the
volume geographically. In Dallas, it will go under Biography. In D.C., Current
Events. San Francisco, Horror. And New Orleans, True Crime.
To be honest,
it's kind of creepy to see Laura's husband plastered all over the tube again
after a two-year sabbatical. Like Hollywood rebooting a particularly gruesome
series of "Nightmare on K Street" movies. Can't be easy for him either, flacking
512 pages of redacted reminiscences with an approval rating hovering around the
level of "go to snake belly and dig," but that's show biz.
collection of recollections, or, more precisely, lack thereof, is about as
revealing as an aerial view of an underground bunker. To say this print revival
effort is not big on revelations is like implying moles don't need sunblock.
Then again, maybe it's a continuation his own personal Don't Ask, Don't Tell,
Then Lie, policy. George Bush and introspection: Not a match. The board goes
He does nail a colloquial tone in this tome, leading off with a self-deprecating
tour of his storied misspent youth. Then takes too much time whining about the
churlish noise of politics, oblivious to the fact that his good buddy Karl Rove
is responsible for adding numerous decimal points to the decibel damage. Goes on
to speak about how happy he is to be out of Washington, and with all due
respect, may I say, sir, that makes 310 million of us.
book, Bush clings to the notion that waterboarding is legal and not torture (cuz
a guy said so), which should hold a measure of solace to the segment of the
book-reading public who would rather be waterboarded than read this unapologetic
self-serving hogwash. Although admittedly, compared with other presidential
self-chroniclings -- not half bad. Definitely two steps above the expected "I
Can Haz Prezidenzy?" Crayons sold separately.
(The New York Times
says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is "quite possibly the best
political satirist working in the country today," and the Chicago Tribune calls
him a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Osgood."
* * *
Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels
VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than
the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the
widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable
level. Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter's Square on Easter Sunday, the
pontiff offered his "most humble apologies" to abuse victims, and pledged to
reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.
"This is absolutely unacceptable," Pope Benedict said. "It seems a weakening of
faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually
abusing helpless minors. And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all
took when they entered the priesthood," he continued. "They should know that
they're only allowed one small child every other month."
The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children
sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit
clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that
the overindulgent touching of "tender, tender young flesh" had become a
full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the
pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.
"The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation—it's simply
unavoidable," Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. "But the fact
that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no
excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for
centuries. The majority of priests don't want to molest kids at all," he added.
"But for those who do, we must make sure they're doing it at a reasonable rate."
Following the pope's speech, the Vatican released a statement outlining its plan
to reduce pedophilia. Starting next year, specially trained cardinals will make
unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure
they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals
will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in
darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests' sexual activity.
These senior officials will also have the authority to enforce harsh punishments
for any clergy member violating his allotment of pedophilia.
"If a priest goes even one child over the limit, there will be hell to pay,"
said Prefect Emeritus of the Congregation for Bishops Giovanni Battista Re,
explaining the Vatican's new "Three Strikes, You're Out Rule." "After the third
offense, the offending priest will immediately be moved to another parish. This
will give officials time to investigate the case, and will act as an effective
deterrent since it usually takes months for priests to gain the trust of the new
As a "goodwill measure," Cardinal Re said all churches will also be required to
display a sign next to the altar showing the number of days since the last
molestation. Criticism of the pope's new plan has already begun to emerge from
within the Catholic Church itself. Rev. Walter Moore, a pastor at St. Peter's in
Chicago, questioned the Vatican's methodology in calculating the molestation
rates, saying the church's inconsistent definition of pedophilia may have skewed
"Is it technically pedophilia if the child's clothes are fully on the entire
time? What if he's asleep when it happens?" Moore said. "It's time we had some
clear guidance from Rome on this issue. For instance, the church counts it as
one incident regardless of whether the child is molested multiple times by the
same individual or by two priests at once. That's just plain wrong. Plus, if
it's supposed to be a special secret between the priest and the boy, is it even
any of the church's business in the first place?" he added. "Maybe Brandon is
just trying to get attention."
The Vatican would not release details of the pope's upcoming world tour, in
which he plans to clear up any confusion on the matter by personally
demonstrating what constitutes molestation.
(The ONION. April issue, 2010)
* * *
Huge Deficits May Hamper America's Ability to Wage Pointless Wars, Pentagon
WASHINGTON -- Mounting budget
deficits for the foreseeable future may "greatly hamper" the U.S.'s ability to
wage pointless wars, a leading Pentagon general says.
According to Gen. Blanton Creegan, "The days of our invading
a country for no reason whatsoever may be at an end." Gen. Creegan adds, "In the past, we were able to start a war
with a country simply because we said they might have WMD -- now, we may
actually have to check first."
The General says that the Pentagon was especially worried
that, given the new budget constraints, the United States may no longer be able
to engage in "open-ended quagmires with no end in sight."
"We still have the money to put boots on the ground," he
says. "But we can't afford to put anyone in those boots."
"Going forward, we are going to need to have a reason for
going to war, a clearly defined mission, and a realistic exit strategy," Gen.
Creegan adds. "This could put us out of business."
Reflecting on the waning of America's ability to engage in
pointless conflict, the General waxes philosophical: "It was fun while it
(The Andy Borowitz Report)
* * *
WAR SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY – “WE’LL KNOW BETTER NEXT TIME”
(. . .) Hey, kids! I know that right now, if you're watching the
"news" at all, you're probably neck deep in health care and whip counts and
wondering how Bart Stupak is going to vote. But you know what happened seven
years ago today? The United States launched a pointless war in Iraq! Not a
deficit-neutral one, either! But for some reason, nobody cares about it anymore.
You remember why we went to war in the first place, even? A
reminder: it was because the American people were sold on the idea that Saddam
Hussein was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And in a post-9/11
world, that wouldn't stand! The only thing that would stand was crazy
over-reaction to everything! Actual weapons inspectors kept telling us that they
couldn't find any WMDs -- but that was coming from Hans Blix, some kind of
Swedish socialist, and Mohammed ElBaradei, whose name sounds pretty Muslimy! And
then Donald Rumsfeld said that absence of evidence wasn't evidence of absence
and that there were unknown unknowns and what not, and so we trotted off to
invade Iraq on the thinnest of pretexts, and what ho! It turns out that Saddam's
awesome military capacity amounted to "occasionally being able to boil some
Of course, that wasn't the only reason we invaded! America
needed to show the terrorists that we were serious. But as it turned out,
fighting the actual terrorists was hard. But Iraq looked like it would be a
cakewalk, the very sort of place where we could execute the vision of Thomas
Friedman: What they needed to see was American boys and girls going from house
to house, from Basra to Baghdad and basically saying, "Which part of this
sentence don't you understand. You don't think that we care about our open
society? You think this [terrorism] bubble fantasy, we're just going to let it
grow? Well, suck on this. Yes! Let's forcibly sodomize some people who had
nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, to prove our seriousness!
See, we were going to "fight the terrorists in Iraq so that we
wouldn't have to fight them here," in America. Nobody could explain why we
simply couldn't keep fighting those terrorists in Afghanistan, where they
were. You know, it was March when we launched the war, so maybe we were all
just really caught up in the NCAA tournament, and we wanted to play the
terrorists on a neutral court. Eventually, a microscopic terrorist organization
called "al Qaeda in Iraq" sprung up where none existed before. Meanwhile, our
actual enemies made their way to safe havens, reconstituted themselves and
touched off a golden age of global jihad.
Eventually, goals got grander and vaguer and more impossible to
deliver on. At some point, our mission became "spreading democracy" at the tip
of a bayonet. We were going to settle Iraq out, create an American ally, and
slowly all the bad actors in the region would turn around. It was a pretty,
pretty theory -- surely, among the prettiest! In practice however, getting
bogged down in Iraq strengthened the hand of the Iranian regime, emboldened
Hezbollah and did nothing to prevent the elevation of Hamas in Palestine. (. .
.) Of course, we can all celebrate the deposing of Saddam Hussein, a brutal
dictator who murdered the citizens of Halabja with poison gas developed from
chemical precursors that became available after President Ronald Reagan removed
Iraq from the list of State Sponsors of Terrorism. What's harder to celebrate is
the way Saddam's ouster culminated in a early morning hanging at which his
executors chanted the name of Moqtada al Sadr -- that avatar of Jeffersonian
democracy. After the execution, Hussein's body was repeatedly stabbed, in
keeping with post-Enlightenment government traditions.
In 2004, John Kerry ran for President against George W. Bush,
and the War on Iraq was the key issue of the day. Unfortunately for Kerry, he
ran into the little problem of not being able to reconcile his previous support
for the War In Iraq with his latter-day opposition to it. So, rather than just
do the right thing and admit he was wrong, he attempted to split the difference.
Sure, the whole war in Iraq was a terrible strategy, Kerry reasoned, but if
America would just put him in charge of the terrible strategy, he would make
everything better through the sheer force of his John Kerryness. There weren't
nearly enough Americans willing to vote for that nonsense, however, and Bush was
re-elected to a second term.
In the years that followed, Democrats stood up and swore up and
down that Bush needed to bring an end to the war. We needed a timetable for
withdrawal! We needed a hard date set to end the occupation! We needed to take
back up the War in Afghanistan, where our enemies were. But the poor little dear
Democrats just didn't have the votes to do anything! Of course, that all
changed in 2006, when the Democrats were swept back in to legislative power on
the strength of their constant promise to end the War in Iraq. But when the time
came to act on their promises, the Democrats completely and utterly punked out,
like cowardly little shits, and the war wended on.
I guess I'm leaving some stuff out, like the widespread
insurgency, the sectarian violence, the shame of Abu Ghraib, the displacement of
thousands of people from their homes, the destruction of a nations'
infrastructure, the looting of a nations' culture and many, many thousand of
deaths. On the other hand, there was a SURGE! And it demonstrated that U.S.
military casualties could be reduced by adding reinforcements. I hadn't thought
this premise was the least bit controversial, but everyone talked about the
Surge as if they'd just discovered a vein of Unobtainium, or something. Oh, and
at no time did the media bother to seriously question the wisdom of any of this,
because to do so would mean inviting the reputation-killing charge of Not Being
Serious, which would mean fewer invitations to cocktail parties where one could
get drunk with Christopher Hitchens.
Eventually, in November of 2008, the Bush administration entered
into a Status of Forces Agreement with the Iraqis that finally solidified the
setting of a timetable for withdrawal and a hard end-date to the Iraqi
occupation. The drawing down of troops is proceeding according to those
guidelines, and the Iraqis are holding elections. Of course, bombs are going off
all over the place during those elections, but we're not going to let that get
in the way of the success we all richly deserve. And now, Thomas Friedman is
saying things like, "It's Up To The Iraqis Now. Good Luck". And that is just a
PERFECT explication of where the Very Important People In America are at, right
now. Former President George W. Bush's gut instinct that this region craved and
needed democracy was always right. It should have and could have been pursued
with much better planning and execution. This war has been extraordinarily
painful and costly. But democracy was never going to have a virgin birth in a
place like Iraq, which has never known any such thing.
Some argue that nothing that happens in Iraq will ever justify
the costs. Historians will sort that out. Personally, at this stage, I only care
about one thing: that the outcome in Iraq be positive enough and forward-looking
enough that those who have actually paid the price -- in lost loved ones or
injured bodies, in broken homes or broken lives, be they Iraqis or Americans or
Brits -- see Iraq evolve into something that will enable them to say that
whatever the cost, it has given freedom and decent government to people who had
none. That, though, will depend on Iraqis and their leaders. See, WE DID IT.
Even though the actual doing of it was terrible, and people died, and it cost us
untold sums of money. But nobody promised it would be easy, except for those who
did! Historians will sort it out, in textbooks being cooked up by
McCarthy-loving dullards in Texas. We have given Iraq a great gift, and if they
cannot eventually overcome the death and devastation and displacement and
distrust, well... THAT'S THEIR FAULT.
See, that's the amazing thing: everyone who led the charge into
Iraq really believes that they are going to walk away clean from this! Everyone
actually believes that it is perfectly OK to have not learned a goddamn thing
from all of this. Well, we'll know better next time.
* * *
A Hypothetical Invasion of Bolivia
Suppose the world had awakened this morning to the news that the Russian army
had attacked and invaded Bolivia. Thousands of Russian paratroopers have landed
in the country, securing airports, permitting hundreds of Russian transport
planes to bring in tens of thousands of Russian soldiers
Despite being badly outmanned and outgunned, the Bolivians, both military and
civilian, are resisting the invasion fiercely. Both the Russians and the
Bolivians are suffering hundreds of casualties.
When asked why Russia has decided to invade Bolivia, Russian officials respond,
“In order to spread democracy, stability, peace, and freedom in Latin America.”
What would be the reaction of the American people? My hunch is that at least 99
percent of the American people and 100 percent of U.S. officials would be angry
and outraged. Immediately, U.S. officials would be denouncing the raw, naked
aggression and demanding that Russia exit Bolivia immediately. Many federal
officials would even be demanding U.S. intervention on behalf of the Bolivians.
My hunch also is that there would be very little sympathy for the Russian
soldiers who were losing the lives in the battles. The attitude among Americans
would be that they shouldn’t have invaded Bolivian in the first place. Virtually
all the sympathy, I think, would be with the Bolivian people, especially those
who were losing their lives in the conflict.
Now, change the identity of the invader. This time the world wakes up to the
news that the United States has invaded Bolivia. Fierce battles are taking place
and both sides are taking heavy casualties.
When asked why the U.S. has invaded Bolivia, U.S. officials respond, “In order
to spread democracy, stability, peace, and freedom in Latin America.”
My hunch is that the reaction of many Americans would be entirely different.
Bumper stickers would immediately appear on cars across the land exhorting
Americans to “support the troops.” The following Sunday and every Sunday after
that, ministers in both Catholic and Protestant churches would be asking their
parishioners to bow their heads in silence and pray for the troops who are in
harm’s way, working for peace and defending our freedoms in a faraway land.
American soldiers being killed would be mourned and medaled as having died in
the service of their country. The Bolivian dead would be called “the bad guys.”
How can we be certain that the American reaction to a Russian invasion of
Bolivia would be dramatically different from a U.S. invasion of the country? Two
reasons: Afghanistan, which both the Soviet Union and the U.S. invaded, and
Iraq, which the U.S. invaded.
(Jacob G. Hornberger)
* * *
FILL IN THE BLANK STORIES
It’s easy to get jaundiced covering politics and
government after awhile. So much of what happens in Washingtonworld is so
predictable it’s like the old joke about old jokes. They’re so familiar someone
assigns numbers to them. Even after the historic election of Barack Obama, the
collapse of the economy, and the sweeping agenda he’s proposing, the narrative
is falling into the old joke patterns. Just for laughs, let’s compile a top 10
list for the comedians here in DC. They appear in no particular order.
1) (Country’s name) erupts into angry
ant-government demonstrations , followed by repression. (President’s name)
administration spokesmen say the best course for the US government is to not get
too deeply involved for fear of scuttling vital, delicate negotiations.
(Opposition party) critics bitterly complain on (Fox News) (MSNBC) that
President (name) is failing to stand up for American principles.
2) (Name) Bank has paid back federal stimulus
money much more quickly than economists felt would be economically prudent.
Although the bank is still receiving (number) billions in federal aid Treasury
Secretary (name) put out a statement saying the “pay back is another indication
our economic turnaround plan is working”. (Name) Bank officials deny the move
has anything to do with executive compensation restrictions attached to
3) The (Congressional Budget Office) (Independent
Budget Monitor) released a study today that estimated the cost of President (Name)’s
(Name) Initiative. The amount exceeded by (number) Billion dollars any earlier
projections. (Party) opposition leaders immediately blasted on (Fox News)
(MSNBC) the administration for “dangerous fiscal irresponsibility which will
saddle our children and grandchildren with crippling debt”. At the White House
Press secretary called the report “sobering but added “This just demonstrates
the urgency for reforming the broken (name) system.
4) The American Civil Liberties Union has
criticized the (Name) national security legislation as a “dangerous threat to
civil liberties”. Government spokesmen who refused to be identified because they
were not authorized to speak about top secret matters they knew nothing about
because they were in no way connected to the proposed bill told the (media name)
that the measure is necessary to continue the War Against (name war), and that
safeguards are in place to protect the fundamental (name) rights of innocent
5) (Muslim name) who has filed a lawsuit claiming
that his civil rights were violated when he was identified by a government (name
the privacy intrusion) sweep, then kidnapped and sent to (classified) by the
(CIA, FBI) where he was tortured, will be unable to proceed with his legal
action after lawyers for the (President’s name) Justice Department successfully
argued the litigation would reveal “State Secrets”.
6) US military officials in (war zone)
acknowledged that (high number) of civilians had been killed in an attack run
by US (name drone) (B-1) aircraft in which (number) ton bombs were dropped on a
(school) (mosque). Originally, the Pentagon insisted (low number) had been
killed and that all were enemy fighters. Survivors in the (country) village
were bitter and said they would fight “the murderous Americans”. Defense
officials, meanwhile announced a new program aimed at “winning the hearts and
minds” of the (country) population.
7) (President) administration lawyers cited
concerns that releasing pictures that show American interrogators torturing
captives would inflame anger against US forces.
8) Supreme Court nominee (name) issued a
statement today announcing (he) (she) would resign from the (gender)-only (name)
club after (opposition party) supporters had accused (him) (her) on (Fox News)
(MSNBC) of (chauvinist) (reverse) sexism.
9) (Politician) has expressed outrage after
(Commentator or Comedian) said that (his) (her) daughter had been (”pimped out)
(”knocked up”) (whatever). (Commentator) (Comedian) denied he was fanning the
flames of the controversy to improve ratings.
10) (Newspaper) (Radio TV) organizations held
still another meeting to try and figure out why fewer and fewer (readers)
(viewers) were paying attention to these stories.
(Bob Franken – Franken Sense)
* * *
on the Potomac
Like cats that have lost their whiskers, the
Republicans seem off balance now that they have lost their talent for hypocrisy.
They are still practicing the ancient political
art of Tartuffery, of course, just without their former aplomb.
Who can forget the glory years, when the Gipper
invoked God but never went to church? When Arlen Specter accused Anita Hill of
perjury to distract from Clarence Thomas’s false witness? When Newt Gingrich and
other conservatives indulged in affairs with young Washington peaches as they
pushed to impeach Bill Clinton?
No one had more flair than W. and Cheney,
crowing about making us safe as they made the world more dangerous, and bragging
about fiscal restraint while they spent us into oblivion.
Now when Republicans get caught flouting the
principles they dictate, they are not able to practice hypocrisy with such
Loverboy Mark Sanford’s career continued to go
south last week as news organizations exposed his two-faced tactics on travel
expenses. When he ran for South Carolina governor in 2002, he attacked the
Democratic incumbent for “lavish spending” on hotels and planes. Once elected,
he asked state employees to bunk together in hotel rooms when they traveled and
chastised staffers who spent more than the $208 federal rate.
But, as Politico reports: “He routinely billed
taxpayers for high-end airline seats, racking up more than $44,000 on business
and first-class tickets. He often stayed in pricey hotels that far exceeded the
rates he imposed on other state employees.” On a trade mission to China, Sanford spent $12,000 on
business-class tickets, leaving aides in economy for about $1,900.
The religious boardinghouse in Washington where Sanford sought succor from
fellow conservatives, where he agonized to pals about his tango with the
enticing María, is also back in the news. Affiliated with a secretive Capitol
Hill group known as the Fellowship — which also sponsored Bible study and prayer
circles attended by Hillary Clinton when she was a senator — the pious dwelling
is becoming a tourist attraction, a monument to Republican hypocrisy.
The C Street house, as the flag-flying brick
rowhouse near the Capitol is known, serves as a residence and Bible study
retreat for many Christian conservative lawmakers. But it looks as if what these
guys were praying for was a chance to get lucky.
John Ensign, the Promise Keeper who broke all
his promises, resides there. As The Washington Post reported, Senator Tom
Coburn, who lives there, had an emotional meeting about forgiveness at the house
with Doug Hampton, the husband of Ensign’s mistress. (Forgiveness plus bribery
can often do the trick.) Coburn says he would not talk to a court or the Senate
ethics committee about the episode because he was counseling Ensign partly as a
doctor. (Coburn is an ob-gyn.)
Last week, The Associated Press revealed that
the estranged wife of a former Republican congressman, Chip Pickering of
Mississippi, had filed an alienation of affection lawsuit seeking damages
against her husband’s gal pal, a wealthy former college sweetheart named
Elizabeth Creekmore Byrd. The suit charges that as a lawmaker, Chip used C
Street as a divine love nest. (. . . .)
* * *
Who Is This "Dick Cheeny" Guy and Why Should I Care What He
I'm using my channel-flicker to flick through the channels today, and I see this
100-year-old grouchy guy named "Dick Cheeny" giving a speech at the "American
Enzyme Institute" (?), and it looks like his mouth is about to slide off the
side of his face and expose his skull, so I stop and watch.
Lo and behold, the guy isn't speaking about enzymes at all. As far as I can
tell, he's talking about torturing people -- namely, that President Obama, who
is president, which means he is in charge, which means he decides American
foreign policy, which means everyone else can shut up, isn't doing enough of it.
My initial thought was, "Who is this Dick Cheeny guy and why should I give a
flying purple goddamn what he thinks?" Do people believe he's important? Because
he sounds like someone who lives on the subway and wears origami sailor hats
made out of Soldier of Fortune magazines.
As far as I could tell, his speech was actually some weird kind of mouth-yoga
where you keep returning to "9/11" position every thirty seconds:
For me, one of the defining experiences was the morning of 9/11 itself. As you
might recall, I was in my office in that first hour, when radar caught sight of
an airliner heading toward the White House at 500 miles an hour.
Actually, no, Mr. Face-sliding-off, I don't recall that on 9/11 you were in your
office (at the RadioShack where you work?). You could have been bussing tables
at Applebee's, or stuffing envelopes from home, or drinking a protein shake made
of your own bile. How would I know? I have no idea who you are. Why are you on
But then Cheeny started talking about how "rounding up random Afghan teenagers
and torturing them in Cuba's armpit has saved trillions of American lives," and
"if we let a bunch of scraggledy-bearded douchebags into the American penal
system, somehow they'll hypnotize the guards and convert the wardens and build a
mustard-gas-Islam-fart-bomb," or whatever, and I started thinking, "Wait a
minute, this guy looks familiar."
Then he started in about "dark days" and "gathering threats" and "nefarious
enemies" and "the desert-people are scheming" and "even a piece of cheese can be
a mighty weapon" and then I remembered:
This is the guy everyone in America deemed a total asshole and decided to ignore
about five years ago.
"All in all, we're proud of the
change we've brought to Washington in these first hundred days but we've got a
lot of work left to do, as all of you know. So I'd like to talk a little bit
about what my administration plans to achieve in the next hundred days.
During the second hundred days,
we will design, build and open a library dedicated to my first hundred days.
(Laughter.) It's going to be big, folks. (Laughter.) In the next hundred days, I
will learn to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the
In the next hundred days, our
bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider
becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of
color. (Laughter.) Although not a color that appears in the natural world.
(Laughter.) What's up, John? (Laughter.)
In the next hundred days, I will
meet with a leader who rules over millions with an iron fist, who owns the
airwaves and uses his power to crush all who would challenge his authority at
the ballot box. It's good to see you, Mayor Bloomberg. (Laughter.)
In the next hundred days, we will
housetrain our dog, Bo, because the last thing Tim Geithner needs is someone
else treating him like a fire hydrant. (Laughter.) In the next hundred days, I
will strongly consider losing my cool. (Laughter.)
Finally, I believe that my next
hundred days will be so successful I will be able to complete them in 72 days.
(Laughter.) And on the 73rd day, I will rest." (Laughter.)
tradition, President Obama got a chance to try his hand at stand-up at the White
House Correspondent's Dinner Saturday night. Above is an excerpt.)
* * *
Cheny starts pro-torture Facebook page
In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving
office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for
fans of torture.
In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise
of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in
establishing his Facebook page the former vice president seems to be attempting
something far more ambitious: creating a social network for torture fans
"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat,
and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.
The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a
dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with
somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think
that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's
certainly something Lynne and I share."
But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture
fan page -- only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date -- the
vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding
"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone
than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin.
"I'd feel like someone was always watching me."
At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly
critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick
Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking. That's my job now."
* * *
Sarah Palin's $159,050 Conflict of Interest
While you read this, Alaska's First Dude, Todd
Palin, is riding a snowmobile -- I'm sorry, snow machine -- 1971 miles from BigLake to Fairbanks. In the course
of performing this awesome feat, his Arctic Cat's powerful two-stroke engine
will emit the same amount of hydrocarbons as an automobile driving from Chicago
to San Francisco and back 150 times.
A small price for the rest of us to pay to honor
the indomitability of the human spirit and one man's ability to sit and hold on.
It's not just a blaze of glory and aromatic
hydrocarbon. A conventional two-stroke engine emits as much as a quarter of its
fuel unburned, directly into the air. This week, as a participant in the Iron
Dog™ snow machine race, Todd Palin will release as many cancer-causing and
smog-forming pollutants as a Chevy Malibu driven around the Earth at its equator
Seems like a lot of work, just to get away from
But Todd's not just doing it because he hates his
home life and likes things that make loud noises and emit benzene. He does it
because it's there. And for hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and gifts
from corporations who do business with the Governor's office.
For riding a snowmobile.
Something you could train a bear to do.
The Emperor Nero used to clean up at the Olympic
games. It was eerie. He won everything. According to Suetonius, he once won a
chariot race despite falling off and not finishing the course. That's how good
he was. He also never wore the same clothes twice. So he would have fit right in
with the Palins there also.
I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just saying.
The total purse value of this year's Iron Dog™ is
$159,050. The sponsors include the petroleum giants Tesoro and Conoco-Phillips;
State Farm, Wells Fargo, Frontier Airlines, Alaska Airlines and the Alaska First
The Iron Dog™ has fewer than 40 entrants a year,
and one of them is always Todd.
Does this smell? I'm probably the wrong person to
ask. I hate the cold and I think motor sports is an oxymoron. But he is Alaska's
First Lady, and Tesoro is an oil company.
Let's say this was Louisiana in the '30s. If
Texaco sponsored a pancake-eating contest, and Huey Long's wife kept winning it,
there would have been talk.
To be fair, Todd
can't win the whole purse.
There are lots of little door prizes just for
rookies and women and steak dinners for Cutest Hat. Just like in Jack London
And, to be fair, Todd doesn't always walk away
from the camping trip with the hundred grand first prize. He's only won four
Once after Sarah was elected to the Wasilla City
Council, once after she was elected mayor, the year she was appointed to the
Alaska Oil and Gas Commission, and the year she was elected governor.
(Chris Kelly. Writer, Real Time with Bill Maher)
* * *
Obama Considers Tax on
President Barack Obama is mulling a controversial
new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed
under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.
While the unorthodox tax proposal is reportedly
"only in the planning stages," it is being eyed as a possible way to balance the
"According to projections, if members of the
Cabinet actually paid their taxes, we could wind up with a budget surplus in
excess of $18.2 billion," said Obama economic adviser Paul Volcker.
Mr. Volcker said he strongly favored the plan,
but added, "Fortunately for me, I'm not officially in the Cabinet."
But imposing taxes on Cabinet members may be
easier said than done, critics of the plan warn.
"Remember, these people are not used to paying
taxes," said one White House source. "They are going to be hopping mad about
Another wrinkle in the plan is how the taxes
would actually be collected, with President Obama reportedly favoring a
cash-at-the-door entry fee for every Cabinet meeting.
"If they don't have the money, they don't get
in," said the source. "They're not going to be able to just sail into the White
House for free like the Jonas Brothers."
When told of Mr. Obama's plan to make his Cabinet
members pay taxes, Fmr. Sen. Tom Daschle responded, "Whew! Sounds like I dodged
* * *
Harman: It's Not My Fault I Couldn't Figure Out
Domestic Wiretapping Was Illegal
You rise to become the top Democrat on the
House Intelligence committee. When you get this position you become part of the
elite 'Gang of Eight,' and as part of your intel briefings, you are told
that under orders from the president, the National Security Agency set up
"unique access points inside the U.S. telecommunications infrastructure." You
are assured that this is legal. You are a trained lawyer.
What do you do?
Well, if you are one particular Congresswoman, you
don't think that's its highly suspicious that the NSA is operating inside the
United States. You don't find a way to research the legality of the program, by
getting hypothetical answers from constitutional and intelligence experts. You
don't read the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act to see if the program
Instead, you wait until 2004 when a reporter comes
sniffing around and then you warn him not run a story.
Then, after the story finally runs some 13 months
later, you call for the prosecution of the New York Times for revealing the
illegality you thought was legality.
Then you smell changes in the political winds,
perhaps get a little curious. Three years after becoming the top Democrat on the
Intelligence committee, you finally decide to learn about the history of FISA
and learn that it is the ONLY way for the nation's spooks to spy on Americans.
You start stamping your feet a little bit in public.
Then you wonder why Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a fellow
Democratic Californian congresswoman, passes you over in 2006 for the chair of
the House Intelligence committee.
Then you try to defend yourself online in 2008
saying you were not for the program when it was secret and against it when it
Obamarama Campaign Express was roaring down a New Hampshire highway near Nashua
when an aide spotted the sprawling No Holds Barred Sports Bar. “Let’s stop the
bus,” she urged, “and do some random schmoozing.”
Obama and his entourage
poured out of the bus and headed for the front door, over which hung a large
sign: “HOME OF THE POLI-BEER: WHERE BOOZE, POLITICS AND SPORTS MIX IT UP!”
Inside the packed bar, the
guys and gals were gathering for the Big Game to start. Before the game,
however, there was an hour for political talk time. Their eyes widened in
amazement when they saw Barack, bounding through the doorway with his secret
The bar had a big pit, with a
huge crackling fireplace, where the patrons have their regular give and take.
Obama was ready for some of that.
He started: “I stand for
change. They said we set our sights too high in Iowa. They said now is not the
time. I proved the cynics wrong in corn country and I’ll prove them wrong in the
granite state. To show you I mean it, no speech, go at me. Our time for change
Guy number one - ”Ok, Barack,
you’re going for the power in the Big House, the big companies already have the
power, how ya gonna make us little people powerful?”
Obama - ”Stay tuned. One leap
at a time. We are one people. Get me there first.”
Gal number one - ”You say,
CHANGE, well how are you going to cut the bloated military budget full of vast
waste, fraud and abuse, when you’ve specifically said you’ll ‘expand and
modernize the military?’ Why, it’s already half or more of the government’s
operating budget, squeezing programs for children, health and all that. I’m an
accountant and I know numbers.”
Obama - ”Exactly. Our time for
change has come. I’m going to change the old weapons with new weapons and the
old soldiers with the new soldiers. That’s real change-at the grass roots.”
Guy number two - ”You don’t
seem to have any rough edges, Barack.”
Obama - ”It’s all about the
The crowd was getting
agitated and the questions came faster and faster.
“Why are you for nuclear
power with taxpayer guarantees?”
“Will you oppose Congress
getting pay raises, pensions and health insurance until the American people get
“Do you favor repealing the
anti-union nightmare-the Taft-Hartley Act of 1947?”
“How can you talk about
change and take gobs of campaign money from the big corporate lawyers and
Obama, smiling: - “It’s ALL
about the mood, dudes. All the rest are details you can look up on my website-obama_is_us.org.
We are choosing hope over fear.”
Gal number two - ”Ok, answer
this one that probably isn’t on your website. When are you going to meet with
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and campaign in the black ghettos-say Harlem or
Obama - ”Whoaa, give that tough
lady a Poli-beer on me! We are one nation.”
Guy number three (with an
Obama face mask) -”I’m the old Obama, remember me? I was for single-payer, full medicare for everyone. I was strongly for Palestinian rights and for replacing
NAFTA and WTO, not for tweaking them. I was for taxing the super-rich and
defending class actions. I was for capping credit-card and loan shark interest
rates. What happened to me?”
Obama - ”Well, didn’t I tell
you that I stand for CHANGE?”
Gal number three - ”You seem to
be for everyone, but not everyone is for everyone. Some are against everyone.
Tell me, are the big corporations, the greedy defense contractors, drug, oil and
insurance companies, starting to quake in their boots at the thought that you
are now the front-runner?”
Obama, lifting his
chin - ”Well, Ma’am, we haven’t ordered our seismometer yet.”
Oooohs and boos float around
the pit. A few start drifting away.
Guy number four - ”You’re one
of those smart Haavard lawyers, Barack. You were a constitutional law teacher.
You were against the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq. So, why aren’t you
putting two and two together-impeachment of the war criminals in the White House
followed by conviction in the Senate?”
Obama - ”You don’t understand
(testily), impeachment talk is just more of the same old Washington politics. I
stand for change. No need to point fingers. We are one people.”
Gal number four - ”Hello,
Barack. I’m Hermaphrodite and I luv your blended politics of harmony.”
Obama - ”Great! Then how about
a quick dance around the bar before we have to leave,” he said, humming to the
tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic - ”We are choosing unity over division,
we’re sending a powerful message, that change is a coming to America, it is all
about the mood, dude…”
* * *
God? It's me, Dubya!
Are you there, God? It's me, George
W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my
last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval
Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little
M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.
Look, I've done everything you
asked. I've been good. Haven't I?I take the message to the people,
don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk
conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was
emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that
stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin'
evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.
And looky here! Look how much
dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP
(that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little
slack for when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the
Or when he says to turn the
other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the
says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"?
Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?
I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know
your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlyle Group breathing
down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o
bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose
at him during naptime? No, he did not.
Look. I behave. I never
have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this
day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still
illegal in Texas.
Heck, I even want to change the
freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally
married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual
man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia,
Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?
Hell, I'm a former raging
alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you!
Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore
I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all
sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as
a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.
Remember, Lord, back in the '00
debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"?
Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was
actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a
single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy
1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could
barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?
We bombed them nasty Iraqis in
Your name, Lord! Afghanis, too! Hell, I've even gone so far as to tell anyone
who'll listen that it was your very will that we invade those countries,
that you were pretty much speaking to me, through me, when I told General
Whatshisname to go ahead and bomb the living crap outta them evil evildoers and
never you mind the women and babies you just git me some war on terror, beeyatch!
Oh, I know what them liberals
say, that your son Jesus Christ was a card-carrying pacifist, hated war and
hated bloodletting and hated hate. But damn, your boy certainly didn't know
about the price of crude, you know? I mean, a Christian's gotta do what a
Christian's gotta do to fuel up the SUV and keep the Saudis happy and keep the
Lockheed stock from steppin' in a financial cow pie, am I right, Lord? Can I get
a "Hell yeah"? Whoops, sorry again.
Lord, I just don't understand. I
know I'm not much of a businessman, or a leader, or a public speaker, or a
humanitarian, or a foreign-policy expert, or a lover of nuance, or a deep
thinker, or much of anything positive or life affirming that anyone can name,
really. But I'm a darned nice guy. A "decent man." This is what everyone says.
And I thought we had a deal.
I thought we had an
understanding that if I took my narrow hypocritical bloody misinterpretations of
the Good Book's teachings and spread them all over this planet like Johnny
anoints himself in Crisco
every night, I thought if I mocked the separation of church and state at every
turn and brought a twisted version of your Word to the huddled masses who
weren't blessed enough to be in me and my daddy's tax bracket, you'd sorta, you
know, help me out a little.
Like, maybe you'd finally get
this ugly Iraq quagmire thing taken care of for me. Maybe get those scary
godless Islamic peoples to see the born-again light. And maybe in the process
guarantee me a first-class seat on the glory train to salvation? Or at least a
friggin' second term?
Hello? Lord? You still there?
God's Own Party, remember? We're all about you, baby. Except for the
blood and the tortures and the warmongering and the homophobia and the misogyny
and the raping of Your glorious planet on a daily basis. Besides that, you rock!
So, again, before I rush off to
bed so Laura can read me another page of "Goodnight Moon," I just gotta ask:
What gives, Sir? I pray every night that you'll smite my enemies and hold back
the heathen liberals and Democrats and also them idiot environmentalists, the
ones who want to protect the forests and clean up the air and save the freakin'
whales, when, hellfire, I ain't seen a whale here in D.C. since Teddy Kennedy
cannonballed in Senator Leahy's pool. Haw! See? I still got my God-given sense
o' humor! People love that hokey Texas crap! Bless me, Jesus!
But nothing seems to be working
anymore. S'cuze my French, Lord, but dammit, why you lettin' that cheap Catholic
wanna-be Kerry hone in on me? Why is that commie Michael Moore's 9/11 movie so
damn successful, despite all of Uncle Dick's promises that the party would shut
it down? Why is my "easy" little war only getting worse, and bloodier, and more
confusing, and why is it giving me rashy itches in my nether parts? Why are my
approval ratings slipping down lower'n an altar boy's pants in a Catholic
Don't you approve of my religious
zealotry? Of how we slam Islam every day? Didn't you like it when I let Gen.
William Boykin say, when talkin' about hammering them nasty Iraqis, that "my God
is much bigger than their Allah," and it got splashed all over the Arab media?
Two million Muslims hate me like a cancer, Lord! If that don't get me some bonus
points in your book, I don't know what does.
And yet you're still lettin'
scandal after scandal stain my pure, holy name. Rummy and his rape and torture,
Wolfie and his Chalabi, Cheney and his Halliburton, Ashcroft and his Guantánamo
Bay, Powell and his vial of anthrax, Rove and his very existence. Why, it's a
gul-dang rogue's gallery of beady-eyed mean-ass misprision! Hey! Check it out! I
said a neat word!
Misprision! I wish I knew
what it meant. You hafta save me, Lord. You have
to pump up my poll ratings, get the damned liberal media off my back (but not
Fox News! Never them), make the people believe again.
See, they're not falling for the
fear crap quite so much anymore. The bogus Orange Alerts and terror warnings
ain't having the same effect. They're seein' through the dumb-guy schtick. They
ain't buying any of the 1,001 reasons we made up to launch war on Iraq. Seems
most 'Murkins don't really like being internationally loathed, disrespected,
mocked, being made into a sad global joke. Go figger.
Maybe it'll help when we
"capture" Osama bin Laden just before election time, when we finally "discover"
him in a remote hilltop cave deep in Afghanistan -- a.k.a., a secret basement
somewhere in Jersey where we've had him stashed for months for just this
occasion. You think that'll help? Rove says it's a lock. I ain't so sure.
I guess that's it for now, Lord.
I'm getting' sleepy from all this hard thinkin'. Thank you for listening, Lord.
I know you're up there, right now, waving a little American flag and admiring
your NRA lifetime membership plaque and voting Republican and givin' them icky
gay people some nasty STDs and completely ignoring the rest of this big scary
unpronounceable planet. Gul-dang heathens!
You're the best, Lord. Bless me,
one more time, OK? I'm gonna need it.
(Mark Morford. SF Gate)
* * *
Conservatives try to sabotage McCain's loss by asking Sarah to
Sarah Palin, we are a better website because of you.
Kathleen Parker, a conservative columnist for the National
Review Online, is calling for Sarah Palin
to drop out of the race.
"Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves.
She can bow out for personal reasons, perhaps because she wants to spend more
time with her newborn. No one would criticize a mother who puts her family
Sarah, darling, don't listen to that nasty slut
Kathleen Parker. She has an ulterior motive- she's trying to get McCain in
the White House. I'm not.
Seriously, Sarah Heath Palin, I
can't live without you. Like Paulson to Pelosi, I'm on my knees, begging you to
be my partner in comedy until Nov 4th, when Barack Obama sends you and the
entire GOP back to Wasilla with gift baskets of condoms and rape kits.
Every word that shoots from your sarcastic yet uninformed
mouth is a gift from God. (Or a witch!) And Sarah, you head my favorite family
since the Brady Bunch. The adorably miserable Bristol, soldier-boy Track and
his coke habit, the Christchild Trig, Piper the licker and Willow, the
mysterious one. Don't get me started on the Eskimo husband Todd who keeps puttin'
it in ya after all these years. Do you know how many Palin stories we've done?
234. Whoops, this one -235. Never mind. The number rises quicker than the
new video emerged of your swimsuit walk in the Miss Alaska competition. Yes,
you were a runner up in Miss Alaska, and yes, you will lose
Miss Vice-President, but 23/6 has a more impressive crown, Miss Internet
In the background, Palin: [Oh, it's not him yet (unintelligible) I always do
Avenger: Yes, yes, hello, governor
In the background, Palin: [I'll just have people hand it to me right when it's]
Avenger: Yes, hello, misses governor?
Palin: Hello, this is Sarah, how are you?
Avenger: Fine and you, this is Nicolas speaking, how are you?
Palin: Oh, so good, it's so good to hear you [giggle] thank you for calling us.
Avenger: Oh, it's a pleasure
Palin: Thank you sir. We have such great respect for you, John McCain and I. We
love you, and thank you taking a few minutes to talk to me.
Avenger: I follow your campaigns closely with my special campaign adviser [not
sure what name he says here] you know.
Palin: Yes, good.
Avenger: Excellent, uh, are you confident?
Palin: Very confident, and we're thankful that polls are showing that the race
is tightening, and. . .
Avenger: Well, I know very well that the campaign can be exhausting, how do you
feel right now my dear?
Palin: I feel so good. I feel like we're in a marathon, and at the very end of a
marathon, you get your second wind, and you plow through the finish...
Avenger: You see, I got where I am in France because I'm real, and you seem to
be someone who's real as well.
Palin: Yes. [giggle] Yeah. [giggle] uh, heh, Nicholos, we so appreciate this
opportunity. . .
Avenger: You know, I see you as a president one day, you too. . .
Palin: [giggle] Maybe in 8 years.
Avenger: Well, uh, I . . . for you. You know, we have a lot in common because
personally one of my favorite activities is to hunt too.
Palin: Oh, very good, we should go hunting together.
Avenger: Exactly, we should go try hunting by helicopter like you did, I never
did that. Like we say in France [something in French]
Palin: I think we'd have a lot of fun together, as we're getting work done -- We
can kill two birds with one stone that way
Avenger: I just love killing those animals, mm mm, take away life that is so
Avenger: I'd really love to go as long as we don't bring your Vice President
Palin: No, I'll be a careful shot.
Avenger: Yes, see, you know we have a lot in common also because except from my
ass I can see Belgium, that's kind of ...
Palin: Well see, we're all next door to countries that we need to be working
Avenger: Some people said in the last days that you weren't unexperienced enough
in foreign relations, and you know, that's completely false. That's the thing I
said to the prime minister of Canada Steph Carse. . .
Palin: Well, he's doing fine too, and Yeah, when you come into a position
underestimated, it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics
wrong, you work that much harder. . .
Avenger: I was wondering because you are so next to him, one of my good friends
also the prime minister of Quebec Mister [Franc Ouvrier?] has met him recently
did he come to one of your rallies
Palin: I haven't seen him at one of the rallies, but it's been great working
with the Canadian officials in my role as governor. We have a great cooperative
effort there as we work on all of our resource development projects. You know, I
look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your
beautiful wife, oh my goodness, you added a lot of energy to your country with
uhm with that beautiful family of yours.
Avenger: Thank you very much. You know my wife Cécilia would love to meet you,
uh, you know, even thought she was a bit jealous today that I was supposed to
speak to you today.
Palin: Well, give her a big hug from me.
Avenger: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model, and she is
so hot in bed, she even wrote a song for you.
Palin: Oh my goodness, I didn't know that.
Avenger: Yes, in French it's called [says something in French] or if you prefer
in English, Joe the plumber, [singing] it's his life, Joe the plumber...
Palin: Maybe she understands some of that unfair criticism, but I bet she is
such a hard worker too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism,
and. . .
Avenger: To be sure, I don't quite understand the phenomenon Joe the plumber,
that's not your husband?
Palin: That's not my husband, but he's a normal American who just works hard and
does not want government to take his money.
Avenger: Yes, yes, I understand, we have the equivalent of Joe the plumber in
France, it's called [says something in French]
Palin: Right, that's what it's all about, is the middle class, and government
needing to work for them, you're a very good example for us here.
Avenger: Uh, I see a bit about NBC even Fox News was not an ally sorry about as
much as usual.
Palin: Yeah, that's what we're up against.
Avenger: I must say Governor Palin, I love the documentary they made on your
life, you know uh, Nailin' Palin. . .
Palin: Oh good. Thank you. Yes.
Avenger: That was really edgy.
Palin: Uh, well good. [giggle]
Avenger: I really loved you, and I must say something also governor. You've been
pranked. By the Masked Avengers. We are two comedians from Montreal.
Palin: Ohhhh, have we been pranked? And what radio station is this?
Avenger: This is for CKOI in Montreal.
Palin: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters.
Avenger: C-K - hello?
[unintelligible talking in the background]
Avenger: If one voice can change the world for Obama, one [unintelligible] can
change the world for McCain.
[unintelligible talking in the background]
Palin's staff member: I'm sorry, I have to let you go, thank you.
* * *
I can fly this plane just fine, darn it!
Why, hello there, folks! May I call you "folks"?
I'll be your pilot today. What? Am I "qualified" to fly this jalopy? You betcha!
Why? Because I'm a mom, that's why. No, I don't know what all these switches and
handles and whatnot are. I don't CARE what they are, to tell ya the truth. The
important thing is that I'm ready, I'm willing, and (wink) I'm eager as heck to
get the job done! THAT'S what matters.
Doncha think? O-kay then. Here we go!
Whoops! Whew. That's a lotta noise. And just a
teeny bit of fire back there. But what the heck, right? It's fuel, and energy
happens to be my specialty.
What? Who's that fella yellin' over the radio?
Air traffic control? Well, who the heck cares? No, honestly, really: Who cares?
I sure as heck don't, and I don't think my passengers do either.
What's my heading? What's my heading? We're on
the right track and we know where we want to go, that's for darn sure.
No, I'm not going to give you my "bearings," or
whatever it is you call those little numbers. Look here, Buster, I might not
answer those questions the way you or the other pilots might like. But you know
what? I'm going to talk straight to my passengers here, without the filter of
any darned air traffic controllers or FAA or whatever the heck you all are
calling yourselves now.
I mean, how good can you all be at your jobs,
anyhoo? There are just heck of a lot, I mean a HECK of a lot of plane crashes
all the darn time. So real people like me and my passengers figure it's time for
some fresh air in this whole flying business anyway.
What? What are you saying there in your fancy-dancy
tower down there? We don't have towers like that on Main Street in Wasilla, buster, you can bet your life. Nope. Just a whole heck of a
lot of common sense, which is all too rare in this world today, doncha think?
And don't you think that if I can handle a crying
baby and ban a book and milk the federal government for all the pork my little
town can hold then I can fly your darn little airplane, for crying out loud?
What? are you TALKING again? Saying that most
crashes are due to pilot error? Like, because the pilot didn't KNOW stuff?
There you go again with your LOOKING BACK. We'd
rather look FORWARD where I come from. But then, heck, I guess that's just the
darned difference between you and us, isn't it? But you're a good talker,
though. I'll give ya that.
Why aren't I changed my heading to zero-one-niner
as instructed? Because I'm the mommy, that's why, Mr. Smarty-Pants. I think I've
got enough sense to know when to turn a darn airplane.
What's that? Raise flaps? Raise FLAPS? Raise
flaps or we'll CRASH? There you go again, raising the white flag of surrender
just when we ....
..... [static] ...
Wait. Wait. Team, I think we found a couple
survivors. They're in critical condition -- looks like they'll need surgery right
here at the crash site. But a routine depressurizing of the skull should save
this guy's life. Can we get the neurosurgeon over here stat? Here she is. Thank
God. We got the expert here just in time.
Oh, heck. Ouch. That's gotta hurt, right? No, I
didn't go to any fancy-dancy medical school but I'm a Mom so believe-you-me I've
seen a booboo or two in my day and if somebody around here just has a sharp
thimgamajig we'll have you fixed up in a jiffy. Don't worry. This won't hurt a
* * *
In order to celebrate Thanksgiving, Alaska Governor Sarah
Palin today issued what she called "my list of thankfulnesses":
The first thankfulness being that I'm thankful for this
turkey, and also too for the metal funnel thingy that cut the turkey's head
clean off while it was flapping its wings trying to get out and all. That
The next thankfulness being that I'm thankful that Levi is
going to marry our Bristol,
and I'm hoping also that we'll know soon what his location is.
Another thankfulness too being that I'm thankful for Sen. Ted
Stevens, because compared to what he did and all it doesn't seem like a big
deal if you tried to get some dumb old trooper fired.
My next thankfulness being I have thankfulness for our
President-elect Barack Obama, and proudness, too, even though he probably is
spending Thanksgiving palling around with Bill Ayres and Osama bin Laden and
the Unabomber also.
A darned important thankfulness being I'm sure thankful that
when the lawyers from the RNC came to take back all of that clothing they
didn't check under Piper's bed. Good job, Piper!
And my last thankfulness, which I saved for last because it
is the most important thankfulness, would be the turkey again also. I'm
thankful that God created turkeys with so many tiny little bones in them and
also too I hope Katie Couric chokes on one.
(Andy Borowitz is a comedian
and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at
his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.)
* * *
With God: God Returns! America Saved!
Supports Bush 100 Percent
God has returned to America.
His interest in this nation
and its people is the subject of much discussion here in this country mainly
from those disgruntled Americans who, in the 2004 national elections, lost to
God’s choice, President George W. Bush.
Anyway, the losers can’t
figure out why God cares about this place.
After all, they say, Earth
is located in the outer realm of the Milky Way galaxy—the Orion Arm to be
exact---along with the 100 billion stars and billions of other objects that make
up the Milky Way. The Milky Way is one of at least 125 billion other galaxies
that are known at the present time. All of which is to wonder why God bothers
with Americans and, more interestingly, how God covers the unfathomable
distances between galaxies.
God consented to an
interview on this matter and visited me at my home in Virginia.
As for travel, God said that
it has to do with String Theory, multiple dimensions and changing space. On his
enthusiasm for America, God claimed that the most faithful are the most
malleable -- an American trait he likes--and it’s easier being God when there are a
majority of unquestioning subjects. And besides, God said he likes the support
he is getting in the USA these days
and figures that the separation of church and state will finally end under
President George W. Bush.
God is Fashionable, Can
Bench Press a Galaxy
God is as white as fresh
snow, wears a flowing sparkling gown, a well trimmed white beard, and holds a
golden staff. In short, he looks like Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings series.
God is 12 feet tall and 1000
pounds of solid muscle. He can bench press a galaxy while at the same time
willing the creation of millions of different species on planets all over the
And, of course, he is
proficient in the use of all types of firearms. God points out that he has
multiple personalities just as the universe has multiple dimensions and that he
really is the One God.
For example, in America he is the Judeo Christian God and in other countries he could be Allah,
Brahma or Buddha. God said that he is like a Swiss Army Knife -- multifunctional
for all occasions. He said there are billions of species like us but that “the
Americans have impressed me with their audacity to think I’m on their side.”
Why has God paid a visit to
Polls show that over 90
percent of Americans believe in God. In the early 1950’s they inscribed In God
We Trust on all their currency to show the Communists of the day that they were
not atheists. In times of national crisis such as 9/11 or the attempted removal
of “under God” in the American Pledge of Allegiance, Americans will gather
together in public to sing God Bless America or recite the Pledge with an ending emphasis on Under God. And God said
he is most pleased that 70 percent of Americans believe that Darwin and
Wallace’s Theory of Evolution is false.
Creationism “is the way to
go” he said. He is thrilled that many US Senators and
Congressmen are introducing legislation on God’s behalf and that President Bush
authorized the filing of legal briefs in support of displaying the Ten
Commandments in public institutions.
God Discovers Pentagon Plot,
Endorses Cycle of Violence
God was not pleased with the
two-earner trend in America. He said that women need to be home with the children because “you don’t
want those strangers in day care guiding your children.”
God was visibly upset over
the subject of abortion, gay marriage, and the sexification of America. He indicated that the country needed to be purified of these sins and
that he had confidence in the good people running America would set things straight. He noted that there was some merit in women
in the USA wearing burkas in public or at least veils.
God joked about Secretary of
Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s plot to drug him and extract information on the
technology he uses to traverse the vast distances of the universe. “Rumsfeld and
the Flag Officers over in the Pentagon thought they could develop me as a
weapons system,” he said. “I just love that American attitude, by golly”.
But admire that attitude as
he did, God said that Rumsfeld and his plotters had crossed the line and that,
“at this moment they are no longer relevant.” Later I learned that Rumsfeld was
giving one of his “stuff happens” briefings and it was being televised on
national television. The videotape showed that Rumsfeld was in mid-sentence
“freedom is…” and then, poof!, he was gone. Rumsfeld’s opponents called it a
miracle but I was saddened because there was no better liar and ruthless
Washington, DC operative than Rumsfeld. I admired his clarity of purpose. But,
God had his reasons and who was I to argue with him.
The elimination of the
plotters led God to say that there’s no problem with the endless cycle of
violence. “It’s what makes God tick. The universe depends on it. It’s what makes life worth
living. I like high stakes and life
is the highest of them all.
Life and death games must be
played whether on the streets of America or the slums of Iraq.” He said,
for example, that he applauded the beheadings of foreigners in Iraq as well as
the killing by the US military of anything that moved in Fallujah.
God said that President Bush
should continue his Global War on Terror and the militarization of the world.
But he pointed out that Americans shouldn’t flatter themselves too much.
“Today I’m with you and
tomorrow I could be against you. I could take this planet and toss it into the
sun. What do a billion lives mean to me when I can create a billion more to play
God Finds Comedy in
God indicated that Comedy
Central television has nothing on the politicians, military commanders and
business leaders that appear on “the serious” channels like CNN, Fox, NBC, CBS,
ABC and their assorted affiliates. When you know they are lying is when it
most hilarious, according to God. Besides, Americans like their lies and myths
and there is nothing wrong with that, he pointed out, “After all they think I’m
some peaceful divinity.”
“And so what if the military
tried to make heroes out of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman. Of course the
Pentagon was lying. But they know most Americans believe whatever the Pentagon’s
storyline is. What do you expect from a people that put a floating eyeball and
pyramid on the back of their currency [one dollar bill]?”
God pointed out that these
are the days of unaccountability in America and that everyone should take advantage of “life in the big lie.” Truth
is out and religion is in, according to God.
He said when he reads the
major newspapers like the Washington Post
and the New York Times; he ignores the comic section because the comedy is on
the front page and editorial page. “But the most humorous moments for me came
when President Bush was on TV telling Iran not to
interfere in the Iraqi elections. I laughed till I cried. Imagine that. Bush
knows his country has, over the decades, meddled in more elections [Georgia, Ukraine, most recent for example] than any other country. And then in another
speech, Bush was telling his audience that they found Saddam in a hole in Iraq. No one
pointed out that Bush was holed up in a bunker out West on 911.” God began
laughing uncontrollably but pointed out that Bush was his man. “You have to lie
to lead, “ God said, “and this group of leaders running your country, including
Democrats, are the best I’ve seen in a dozen galaxies.”
God said that Americans will
always believe in him. “You remember when I said the truth is out and religion
is in. Look, violence, lying cheating, killing, hustling are just part of life.
There’s no peace in this universe and that’s the truth. And no, there is no
Satan. That’s simply a fairy tale. I’m the damn Creator, I ought to know. People
try so hard to cover their violent natures and stench with words like freedom
and democracy, and with fancy clothes and perfumes. They portray their enemies
as vile but that is just looking in the mirror and not liking what they see. And
you all want power. I’ll tell you, if you accept Me, it’s a lot easier to live
in this violent world. I take responsibility for you. You are absolved.
Again, I point out to you
that a life or a billion lives mean nothing to me. I have destroyed whole
galaxies and a billion species at the snap of a finger. I let my own son be
nailed to a cross not to save you but because he was preaching non-violent
nonsense. I thought I’d leave him on Earth but he is my son—though not the
only--and he is coming around to my way of thinking.”
God was getting impatient,
but I had to ask about free will.
“Whether you accept me or
not, you are created in my violent image. Look around you. All things are
created and die in a never ending violent cycle. War, disease, genocide, crime,
drugs, hate, love, laughter, sacrifice, honor-- these are all designed into the
universe I made. Do you have any reason to believe you can change anything? Just
be thankful I’ve taken a liking to you. ”
Whew! Good thing President
Bush has an open line to God.
(John Stanton is a Global
Research Contributing Editor. He is a Virginia based
writer specializing in national security and political matters. He is the author
of America 2004: A Power But Not Super and co-author of America’s Nightmare.)
Sarah Palin of Alaska
has reached out to President-elect Obama's transition team to indicate her
interest in being named "ambassador to the nation of Africa," the governor confirmed today.
Palin said that although she had planned to continue in her position in
Anchorage, she was willing to leave the governorship "because Africa is just such a darned important country."
always been very, very interested in the nation of Africa, partly because of it
being located where it is," she said. "If you are standing in Africa and you
look real close, you can see South Africa."
that she had received phone calls encouraging her to vie for the post, including
one from French president Nicholas Sarkozy.
news from the Palin family, Bristol Palin's fiancé Levi Johnston said he was
"totally stoked" about Tuesday night's election returns, calling the results
"definitely a game-changer for me."
election of Barack Obama means different things to different people," he said.
"To me, it means freedom, dude!"
Good morning. I hope
you all enjoyed the holiday reception at the White House as much as Laura and I
enjoyed it. We took an inventory of the silverware, and this year only a few
pieces were missing. So like if you see Gregory, tell him to bring them back.
-- President Bush at today’s press conference
(referring to NBC's David Gregory)
I love meeting with the Members. For those of
you who have been to our office, thanks for coming. For those of you that have
not been to our office yet, you're coming. Just don't take any silverware.
-- President Bush, February 2, 2001, two weeks
after taking office; remarks at the Republican Congressional Retreat in
It's good to see my old fellow owner, "the
Boss." [Laughter] What a record you've had -- a man who demands excellence and
oftentimes gets it. [Laughter] But thank you for coming, George. I know the real
boss of the Yankees is here, too, Arthur Richman. [Laughter] How are you,
Arthur? Good to see you. I told you one of these days we would get to the White
House. Just don't take any silverware, Arthur. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, May 4, 2001, referring to Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and senior advisor
Arthur Richman during remarks honoring 2000 World Series Champion New York
Thank you all for coming. I'll see you
Thursday, coats and ties. [Laughter] This year, Gregory, don't take any
-- President Bush, December 15, 2003 press
conference; referring to upcoming holiday party
I want to thank Bob Wallace, the executive
director. He spends a lot of time in the Oval Office. I'm always checking the
silverware drawer. [Laughter]
-- President Bush, August 22, 2007, referring to
VFW executive director Robert E. Wallace during remarks at Veterans of Foreign
Wars National Convention in Kansas City, Missouri
As you know, this is the second time that
we've had editorial cartoonists here during this term. Last May I had some of
you over for lunch. We're still looking for the missing silverware.
-- President Ronald
Reagan,May 7, 1987; remarks to Members of
the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists
* * *
Who runs Hollywood? C'mon.
I have never been so upset by a poll in my life. Only 22% of Americans now
believe "the movie and television industries are pretty much run by Jews," down
from nearly 50% in 1964. The Anti-Defamation League, which released the poll
results last month, sees in these numbers a victory against stereotyping.
Actually, it just shows how dumb America has gotten. Jews totally run Hollywood.
How deeply Jewish is Hollywood? When the studio chiefs took out a full-page ad
in the Los Angeles Times a few weeks ago to demand that the Screen Actors Guild
settle its contract, the open letter was signed by: News Corp. President Peter
Chernin (Jewish), Paramount Pictures Chairman Brad Grey (Jewish), Walt Disney
Co. Chief Executive Robert Iger (Jewish), Sony Pictures Chairman Michael Lynton
(surprise, Dutch Jew), Warner Bros. Chairman Barry Meyer (Jewish), CBS Corp.
Chief Executive Leslie Moonves (so Jewish his great uncle was the first prime
minister of Israel), MGM Chairman Harry Sloan (Jewish) and NBC Universal Chief
Executive Jeff Zucker (mega-Jewish). If either of the Weinstein brothers had
signed, this group would have not only the power to shut down all film
production but to form a minyan with enough Fiji water on hand to fill a mikvah.
The person they were yelling at in that ad was SAG President Alan Rosenberg
(take a guess). The scathing rebuttal to the ad was written by entertainment
super-agent Ari Emanuel (Jew with Israeli parents) on the Huffington Post, which
is owned by Arianna Huffington (not Jewish and has never worked in Hollywood.)
The Jews are so dominant, I had to scour the trades to come up with six Gentiles
in high positions at entertainment companies. When I called them to talk about
their incredible advancement, five of them refused to talk to me, apparently out
of fear of insulting Jews. The sixth, AMC President Charlie Collier, turned out
to be Jewish.
As a proud Jew, I want America to know about our accomplishment. Yes, we control
Hollywood. Without us, you'd be flipping between "The 700 Club" and "Davey and
Goliath" on TV all day.
So I've taken it upon myself to re-convince America that Jews run Hollywood by
launching a public relations campaign, because that's what we do best. I'm
weighing several slogans, including: "Hollywood: More Jewish than ever!";
"Hollywood: From the people who brought you the Bible"; and "Hollywood: If you
enjoy TV and movies, then you probably like Jews after all."
I called ADL Chairman Abe Foxman, who was in Santiago, Chile, where, he told me
to my dismay, he was not hunting Nazis. He dismissed my whole proposition,
saying that the number of people who think Jews run Hollywood is still too high.
The ADL poll, he pointed out, showed that 59% of Americans think Hollywood execs
"do not share the religious and moral values of most Americans," and 43% think
the entertainment industry is waging an organized campaign to "weaken the
influence of religious values in this country."
a sinister canard, Foxman said. "It means they think Jews meet at Canter's Deli
on Friday mornings to decide what's best for the Jews." Foxman's argument made
me rethink: I have to eat at Canter's more often.
"That's a very dangerous phrase, 'Jews control Hollywood.' What is true is that
there are a lot of Jews in Hollywood," he said. Instead of "control," Foxman
would prefer people say that many executives in the industry "happen to be
Jewish," as in "all eight major film studios are run by men who happen to be
But Foxman said he is proud of the accomplishments of American Jews. "I think
Jews are disproportionately represented in the creative industry. They're
disproportionate as lawyers and probably medicine here as well," he said. He
argues that this does not mean that Jews make pro-Jewish movies any more than
they do pro-Jewish surgery. Though other countries, I've noticed, aren't so big
I appreciate Foxman's concerns. And maybe my life spent in a New Jersey-New
York/Bay Area-L.A. pro-Semitic cocoon has left me naive. But I don't care if
Americans think we're running the news media, Hollywood, Wall Street or the
government. I just care that we get to keep running them.
(Joel Stein. LA Times.2008)
* * *
Open Letter To Kansas School Board
Anyone hear of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
as another Intelligent Design theory to be taught in schools? It started in
response to the Kansas school board elected to teach ID along side evolution.
Here’s a snippet of the letter sent to the KS school board that started this
“I am writing you with much concern after having
read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent
Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all
agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can
choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am
concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent
Let us remember that there are multiple theories
of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong
belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He
who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the
overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is
nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today,
to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools,
along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you
do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m
sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not
based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you
must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be
helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a
Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were
around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy
volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear
that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive,
as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.
What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think
the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a
carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the
Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this
artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14
appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every
time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the
results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in
detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of
course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that
your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that
they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti
Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing
His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the
importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this
must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise
explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global
warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct
effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I
have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average
global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a
statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to
hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of
teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the
teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope
dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look
forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our
science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time
for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one
third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.
* * *
"Martin Luther King
Earlier this month, in a
speech defending the racist, uhm, quirks of his proud but secret religion, Mitt
"I saw my father march with
Martin Luther King."
So, well, that's that.
Except, according to a report in the Boston Phoenix, it turns out that depends
on what your definition of "saw" is. And "march." And "with." And "Martin Luther
Because it never happened.
"A spokesperson for Mitt
Romney now tells the Phoenix that George W. Romney and Martin Luther King Jr.
marched together in June, 1963 -- although possibly not on the same day or in
the same city." ... Romney spokesperson Eric Fehrnstrom suggests that these two
were part of the same "series" of events, co-sponsored by King and the NAACP,
and is thus consistent with Romney's claim that 'I saw my father march with
Martin Luther King.'"
Mitt, Fehrnstrom explains,
was speaking "figuratively."
Although they never marched
together, they did march separately. In that they were both in Michigan and
ambulatory at the same time. And, by "the same time," I mean "different times."
Except, if you read the
Phoenix story, George Romney didn't actually "march" anywhere. But he was
present at an event. Where King was not. And Mitt never "saw" it, because he was
doing missionary work in France.
WHAT MITT MEANT:
We can all agree that George
Romney and Martin Luther King were both alive in June, 1963.
The Romney campaign is still
looking for an event where George Romney might have marched with Martin Luther
King. Romney seems to have been at King's funeral, but that doesn't count, since
Baptists don't believe the dead walk and we don't know what Mormons believe.
Mitt would tell you, but then he'd have to kill you, and rebaptize you against
Another helpful lead from
Team Mitt? The event where Mitt Romney might have seen his father marching with
Dr. King and/or kissing Santa Claus occurred somewhere between 1963 and 1968.
So Mitt might not have been
ministering to the French; he might have been in high school, to see it, if it
happened or not, which is anybody's guess.
And a clarification from the
"When we say, 'I saw the
Patriots win the World Series, it doesn't necessarily mean you were there --
excuse me, the Super Bowl. I saw my dad become president of American Motors. Did
that mean you were there for the ceremony? No, it's a figure of speech."
It's basic etymology. When a
man says: "I saw," you should know it's just an expression. For "I didn't see."
Except the American Motors
comparison doesn't really work. Presumably there are pay stubs from that.
Because presumably it really happened. A more precise analogy would be: "I saw
my dad invent the internal combustion engine."
With Medgar Evers.
Your family might believe it.
But it doesn't make it even figuratively true.
* * *
Their God is Bigger than our God
Gosh, we haven't heard much from God lately, have we? I'm wondering why that is.
His mouthpieces in America -- who always seem so sure of themselves, so sure that
they alone hear God speaking, and so willing to share His wisdom with the rest
of us -- have gone strangely quiet of late.
Remember when 9/11 happened and Jerry Falwell put it all into perspective for
us? There we were thinking it had something to do with Islamic fundamentalism or
US imperialism or something, but Falwell set us all straight, saying to Pat
Robertson, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the
feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an
alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who
have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you
helped this happen.'" Mr. Falwell went on to thunder that it is these elements
"which have attempted to secularize America, have removed our nation from its
relationship with Christ on which it was founded. I therefore believe that that
created an environment which possibly has caused God to lift the veil of
protection which has allowed no one to attack America on our soil since 1812."
Okay, glad we got that straightened out. But it's breathtaking, isn't it, to
think of People For the American Way being behind 9/11? So it was Norman Lear
all along, not Osama! This kinda stuff goes on all the time, of course, and
George W. Bush as well as legions of his followers believe that he was anointed
by God to rule America and the world. To the extent they even think about it,
they are startled to learn that others, particularly in the Mid-East, have
somehow missed the joy and glory of their grand vision. One of my personal
favorites in this all too rich vein is the Middle East peace prescription
offered by Billy's son, Franklin Graham, suggesting that Muslims and Jews should
simply try "surrendering their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ and having their
hearts changed by the Holy Spirit." It all seems so simple when you think of it
that way. Hey, why can't we get talent like that in the State Department?
Like I said, this stuff goes on all the time. Franklin once inadvertently sent
me a fundraising letter which began with the line "Our God is indeed an awesome
God!" I know it was meant as a joyous declaration of fact, but why did it seem
like he was trying harder to convince himself than he was me? Franklin, whose
daddy shared anti-Semitic laments with presidents in between offering them
political cover and providing personal relief to their consciences, heavily
laden as they were with dirty tricks and war crimes, also gave us the
geo-strategically helpful line in which he described Islam a "very evil and
wicked religion". How many GIs will have to die just for that little bit of
Still, without a doubt the finest single exemplar of such thought comes to us
courtesy of Lieutenant General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, whom the Bush
administration made deputy undersecretary of Defense for intelligence in 2003,
and gave responsibility for tracking down the likes of Osama bin Laden and
The Bush family is, of course, famous for its loyalty demands, but General
Boykin made John "kiss-up, kick-down" Bolton look as irreverent as a fart in
church by comparison when he said of W, "He's in the White House because God put
him there". Which is so weird, anyhow, because God kept telling me throughout
the 2000 campaign that He was a Nader man, through and through. Boy, was I
wrong. No wonder these guys are so sure of their direct pipeline to the
Almighty. Nevertheless, that was hardly the General's most controversial
statement. This is the guy whose astonishing remarks managed to recruit a whole
new generation of terrorists with just two lines. "I knew
my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an
idol." Boykin said in a speech discussing his battle against a Muslim warlord in
Not even George W. Bush manages to say things this dumb. He just hires people
like Boykin to do that. (. . .)
* * *
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I
begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black
bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in
14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House
correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero,
George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody
pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one
guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody
needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your
table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark
Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr.
President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate
this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs
on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the
gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you
know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can
look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's
not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My
gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the
Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth,
unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold
a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a
simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I
believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the
Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot
wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China
figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome.
Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I
believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least.
And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own
bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du
Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that
everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I
believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt.
But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this
Now, I know there are some polls out there
saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay
attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics
that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention
to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's
important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the
people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty.
There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it.
The last third is usually backwash.
Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't
believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull
before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president
in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the
world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this
case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!,"
and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay
down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses
in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the
heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't
pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of
the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean
that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man
because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things
like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that
sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always
rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This
president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down
on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an
alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe.
Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America
agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef,
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm
sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no
heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or
didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914?
If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with
the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's
steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he
believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this
man's beliefs never will.
As excited as I am to be here with the
president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is
destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both
sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking,
reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things
are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's
your goal, well, misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you people were so
good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We
Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out.
Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's
how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press
secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those
decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go
home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel
you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid
Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know
Because really, what incentive do these
people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you.
Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes.
Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic."
First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking.
This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck
chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some
are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've
all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on
my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday
for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a
guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General
Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired
yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how
to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them
retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've
seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one
of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into
battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't
heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very
interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going
to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier.
Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea
what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I
be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence,
Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene
Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia
is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John
McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad,
because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a
spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful
to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South
Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad
you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New
Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome
you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a
graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm
describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down
here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he
brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh,
what have I said? I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to
say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is
not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of
the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job."
Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to,
of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes
to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of
course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with
Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so
I was vying for the job myself. I think I
would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for
these people. I know how to handle these clowns. (…)
[Re-Improved Colbert transcript by Frederick
blogger (Daily Kosh)]
* * *
Iraq Study Group Report To Be Made Into Opera
1. "Rise of the Vulcans; The Neocon Two-step" (Cheney/Rumsfeld/Perle/Wolfowitz
and the Neocon chorus)
2. "Bring it On! Bring it On!", (Bush/Neocon chorus)
3. "Who would Jesus Bomb?" (Bush/Dobson/Falwell/Haggard)
4. "Saddam, You Tried to Kill My Daddy; Just a Tiny Drop of Oil" (duet)(Bush/Cheney)
5."Gonna Have My Yellowcake and Eat it Too" (Cheney)
6. "Sixteen Little Words" (Powell/Rice)
7. "Liberators and Flowers" (Rumsfeld)
8. "The Patriot Act; Seize the Day", (Cheney/Rove)
9. "Watch What You Say" (Fleischer/ The Press Corps chorus)
10. "Are You With Us or A Traitor?" (Rove)
11."Lean but Mean" (Rumsfeld)
12. "But, But, But" (The Democrats' chorus)
13. "Never Criticize Your President" (Lieberman)
1. "With A Guy Like You" (Bush/Cheney/Rove/Chalabi)
2. "Last Throes" (Cheney)
3. "The Boogeyman's Gonna Get Ya!" (Cheney)
4. "Got All Those Ducks in a Row" (Rove, Diebold chorus)
5. "But, But, But" (reprise); Abu Ghraib" (The Democrats' chorus, the Press
6. "Stay the Course!" (Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld)
7. "I'm the Decider" (Bush)
8. "Stand Up, Stand Down" (Bush, The Generals' chorus)
9. "About to Turn That Corner" (Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld/Rice/Rove/Lieberman and the
10. "Vote, Vote, Vote" (Cheney/Rove/Bush/the Democrats' chorus)
11. "I have Bad News" (Rove)
13. "Forget About It" (Kissinger)
12. "Poppy" (G.H.W. Bush/James Baker/Brent Scowcroft)
13. medley: "Stay the Course" (reprise); "Last Throes" (reprise);"But, But, But"
(reprise)"Forget About it" (reprise) (The Neocon chorus, The Press Chorus, The
14. Finale: "Does Anybody Know What To Do?" (ensemble)
* * *
Bush at the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly
Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the
lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of
relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he
says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go
ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great
artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How
can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
* * *
George Bush and the Queen
England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her
leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says,
"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior
Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but
nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
* * *
W.M.D. in Iran?
TIM RUSSERT: Mr. Vice
President, welcome to “Meet the Press.”
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY:
Good morning, Tim.
RUSSERT: How close are we to
war with Iran?
CHENEY: Well, I think we are
in the final stages of diplomacy, obviously. We have done virtually everything
we can with respect to carrots, if you will. It’s time for squash. Not to
mention mushrooms, clouds of them.
RUSSERT: But you squashed
Iraq and that
didn’t work out so well.
CHENEY: Iraq will be
fine, Tim. It just needs a firmer hand. We learned that lesson. We’re not going
to get hung up on democracy this time. (Expletive) purple thumbs.
RUSSERT: Isn’t Secretary Rice
still pushing carrots for Iran?
CHENEY: The more carrots Condi
feeds ’em, the better they’ll be able to see the bombs coming.
RUSSERT: First you threatened
to take action if Iran built a nuclear weapon. Now you’re threatening to take action if Iran knows how
to build a nuclear weapon. What’s next? You threaten to take action if
Ahmadinejad dresses up as a nuclear weapon for Halloween?
CHENEY: Well, the difficulty
here is, each time he has rejected what he was called upon to do by the
international community. I’m not sure now, no matter what he says, that anyone
would believe him. He’s pretending he doesn’t have W.M.D., just like Saddam.
RUSSERT: But Saddam didn’t
CHENEY: He did, Tim.
RUSSERT: He did?
CHENEY: Ever wonder what
happened to them?
RUSSERT: What happened to
CHENEY: Think about it, Tim.
RUSSERT: The New York Times
reported yesterday that the suspected nuclear reactor in Syria bombed by Israeli
jets was well under construction in 2003, the same year we went to war with
neighbor Iraq. Did we go
after the wrong country?
CHENEY: Syria is not a
country, Tim. It’s a way station run by an eye doctor.
RUSSERT: Conservatives are
tossing around some lock-and-load language. The president is talking about
Iran sparking a
“nuclear holocaust” and World War III. Giuliani adviser Norman Podhoretz thinks
we’re in World War IV. Shouldn’t you at least give the new sanctions against
Iran a chance
CHENEY: Oh, we have, Tim. The
sanctions were announced Thursday. It’s now Sunday. I think things have gotten
so bad inside Iran, from the standpoint of the Iranian people, my belief is we will, in
fact, be greeted as liberators.
RUSSERT: But what if your
analysis is not correct — again? Let’s put up on the screen part of an interview
The New York Times’s Thom Shanker did with the new chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen: “With America at war in two Muslim countries, he
said, attacking a third Islamic nation in the region ‘has extraordinary
challenges and risks associated with it.’ The military option, he said, should
be a last resort.” Your own chairman of the Joint Chiefs does not think the
military can handle a third war.
CHENEY: If Admiral Mullen
wants to be Admiral Sullen, that’s his business. I’m not going to be a defeatist
or question the courage of our fighting men.
RUSSERT: Critics say that if
you attack Iran, there will be riots in every Muslim capital, the Iranians will flood
Iraq with more
explosives and money for the Shiite militias. They say you’ll only end up making
more enemies for America, and our troops.
CHENEY: Why don’t we just give
the Islamofascists Sudetenland, Tim? Peace in our time.
RUSSERT: The Europeans are
upset that you might start another war in their backyard.
CHENEY: (Rolling his eyes and
muttering under his breath) Eurappeasers.
RUSSERT: An Iranian spokesman
dismissed the new U.S. sanctions
as “worthless and ineffective” and said they were “doomed to fail as before.”
And Gen. Mohammad Ali Jafari, the head of Iran’s elite Revolutionary Guards — a
group you have accused of proliferating weapons of mass destruction — also
warned that his forces would respond with an “even more decisive” strike if
CHENEY: Don’t worry about
General Ali Baba, Tim. We gave the Israelis his home address.
RUSSERT: How will you even
know where to bomb, given that all the experts say the Iranians have hidden
their real nuclear facilities underground?
CHENEY: Can you say magic
carpet bombing, Tim? We didn’t build those bunker busters just to stack ’em up
in a warehouse in North Dakota.
RUSSERT: It’s so close to the
next election, Mr. Vice President, shouldn’t you just keep on the diplomatic
track and let the next president make this decision?
CHENEY: You really want Rudy
Giuliani playing with the nuclear button, Tim? Now, that’s insane.
(Maureen Dowd. NYT)
* * *
Mitt Romney’s Jesus is Just as Good as the Leading Brand
of people think Mitt Romney chose to give his religion speech this week because
he's afraid of the Rev. Mike Huckabee. (A man whose main qualifications for the
Oval Office are a personal relationship with Jesus and the ability to lose
weight.) Mike is breathing down Mitt's neck in Iowa, which can't be pleasant,
because bulimics have terrible breath.
think there's a simpler explanation and, touchingly, it has to do with faith.
Mitt Romney made his religion speech during Hanukkah because he's the only
candidate oily enough to burn for eight days.
missed the speech, it can be summed up pretty simply: He proclaimed the right of
every American to freely and openly practice any religion, including his own,
about which he won't divulge a single detail, even if you killed his children
right in front of him, one after another.
doesn't care which of you atheist bastards and Islamic jihadists know it.
just give me your vote, and stop bothering me with all these questions. I've
spent a lot of money. --
a little slippery there for a second, what with name-checking Kennedy and
Lincoln - who you'd think would have less to say about religion and more about
gun control - but it came down to this:
Mitt loves religious freedom.
2- You love religious freedom.
Religious freedom is being threatened by atheists and people who ask Mitt a lot
of fool questions about his relatives in the Star System Kolob.
4- If Mitt answers
these questions, the ACLU will come to your town and kick over your crèche.
5- As long as we
all love Jesus (or something more or less Jesus-ish) we can agree to disagree
about the details.
6- If we disagree
about the details, Jihadists will come and unstrenghen your family.
7- Wasn't it cool
when George Bush Sr. crashed his plane and got picked up by that submarine?
8- I swear this
was Mitt's opener.
9- Hey, George
Bush is patriarchal and fell from the sky. Why don't we worship him?
Okay, to you and
me it's all just the same old runny dogshit. You weren't going to vote for him
anyway. Because you're reading a website, and computers work because of science.
But did Romney make the sale to the evangelical values voters, the ones who pray
people like us get struck down by a just and loving God, and it's painful and
slow, and the sooner the better?
I don't think so.
difficult passage, the one Mitt raced through like the side effects of Nasonex:
There is one
fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus
Christ? I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind.
My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other
faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not
bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance. Religious tolerance
would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with
which we agree.
In other words:
I'm glad you asked that question. I'm not going to answer it. As a tribute to
this great land of ours.
Because here's the
thing that Mitt Romney can't say: The Mormon Jesus has about as much in common
with Jesus of Nazareth as the Los Angeles Kings have with King Tut. They have
the same name, kind of, and that's it.
The Gospel Jesus
lived in Galilee. The Mormon Jesus lived in Albany. (Where he fought the
Indians. Because he wasn't just the Lamb of God, he was also the Last of the
Mohicans.) Mormon Jesus? Three wives, a planetful of kids. Gospel Jesus? Living
alone and loving it.
It doesn't even
have the theological weight to be heresy; it's a simple case of mistaken
And I know that
sounds like I'm being flip, but that's only because I don't care. But if it
matters to you, it really, really matters.
Mitt Romney wants
Christians to think that Mormonism is just another "brand." (He called it a
brand earlier this week, in Manchester. Which is how most really devoted people
talk about their faith.) But most Christians are pretty brand loyal. It's kind
of important to them. They didn't just choose their church for the parking. They
like to think they've put some thought into it.
thought that the difference between the real church (Roman Catholicism) and some
fake-o crap (Anglicanism) was so obvious that if you couldn't figure it out, it
was your problem. He said that trying to explain it was like trying to teach an
Australian about architecture.
doesn't want to explain anything. He just wants to blur the distinctions, change
the subject, and make the sale.
Mitt Romney isn't
proud of his faith. If he were, he wouldn't react to questions about it like
he'd just been asked to describe his parents having sex.
He could put this
whole thing to rest by answering one question about his Jesus, just so we know
we've got the right guy: Was he Satan's brother? If the answer is "yes" -- and
the Book of Mormon says it is -- Mitt and Pat Robertson are talking about two
totally different Middle Eastern drifters.
profiling will get you?
* * *
KNOW YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO BE VICE-PRESIDENT
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you name your favorite gun
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the Bush Doctrine
works out of the local nail shop and specializes in hot-waxing.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when a "voice in your head" tells you
to ban most of the pages from the library's atlas.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you deep fry your polar bear in
crude oil that you drilled yourself.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your underage teen daughters get
their sex education from the instructions on the back of a bible.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only charitable organization
you contribute to is the NRA.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your schedule revolves around
five daily rapture breaks.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only war you have any
knowledge of is with a guy who won't fire your ex-in-laws.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you compare yourself to animals.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when Republicans believe you can lie
with the best of them.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when "token" is something you believe
gets you on a bus.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your dentist tells you he's
going to have to "drill" and you pee your pants a little with excitement.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your doctor prescribes "pork" as
a cure-all for that constant feeling of hunger.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you need air-conditioners in
every room but you think it's because someone keeps closing the refrigerator
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when the only real requirement from
your boss, is that you know how to change diapers... errr, Depends.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you use a helicopter to hunt
down the father of your daughter's illegitimate child.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the petrified
mastodon tusk on your desk was created with the rest of the world 4,000 years
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you want to kill almost
everything in sight, but you refer to yourself as "pro life".
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when every day is high-school reunion
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you can't satisfactorily answer
prepackaged questions posed by one of the lamest MSM mouthpieces available.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you are openly reviled by women
whose standard mantra was "give me a woman - any woman".
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when so-called "Democrats" believe
you are so special that nobody should mock and laugh at you... and deride your
complete clown performance.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your so-called "boss" has the
life expectancy of a fruit fly.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your recent flight over Canada
qualifies as your International Experience.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when your recipe for deep-fried polar
bear heart is your most endearing contribution to American culture.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you believe the strings that
have been tied to your arms and legs are a new fashion accessory.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you charge taxpayers extra every
night you sleep in your own bed.
know you're qualified to be Vice-President when you can smile and sneer at the
(posted September 15th,
2008 3:40 pm)
* * *
Hate, Fear and Caveman Politics
Even the briefest of surveys of the
supporters gracing McCain's events underscores the kind of red-meat appeal he's
making. Immediately after his speech in New Orleans, a pair of sweet-looking old
ladies put down their McCain signs long enough to fill me in on why they're
here. "I tell you," says one, "if Michelle Obama really doesn't like it here in
America, I'd be very pleased to raise the money to send her back to Africa."
The diminutive and smiling old lady's
friend leans over. "That's going a little too far, dear."
"Too far?" says the first. "Farrakhan is
saying they were brought here against their will, and their bodies are still
feeding the sharks at the bottom of the sea! I mean, really!"
"OK, sharks still eating bodies," I say,
writing it all down. "Could I have your name, ma'am?"
"Janice Berg," says the first old lady.
"And lest you think I'm Jewish, the name comes from Norway. Berg is 'mountain'
in Norwegian. I'm part German, part French myself."
Cindy Oestriecher, a McCain supporter who
turned out for his speech in New Orleans, is stumped when I ask her for an
example of Obama's lack of patriotism. "What was that thing about
anti-American?" she asks a friend. "What were they referring to?"
"What thing?" asks the friend.
"People were talking about that thing,
that anti-American thing," Cindy says, frowning.
"You mean about the flag, the thing on
the Internet?" the friend replies.
"Yeah, I guess," says Cindy. "The
anti-American thing." "That bothers you?" I ask.
"Of course it does!"
"But you don't even know what it is," I
say. "You just know that someone else said he was anti-American. You don't even
know who it was that said it!"
A few paces away, I catch up with a man named
Ron Saucier and a woman who would only identify herself as Mary. Ron says his
problem with Obama is the integrity thing. "He exaggerates too much," Ron says.
"He's not honest."
"OK," I say. "What does he exaggerate
"Well, like that time he was saying he
had a white mother and a white grandmother," he says.
I ask him how this is an exaggeration.
"Well, he was saying ..." he begins. "As
if that qualifies him to ..."
Despite my repeated prodding, Ron seems
unable or unwilling to say aloud exactly what he means. Finally, his friend
Mary, a grave-looking blonde with fierce anger lines around her eyes, jumps in,
points a finger and blurts out one of the all-time man-on-the-street quotes.